just another complaint

I feel really weak today, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Even though the weather is getting better, the sun is shining - I guess it's just lack of sleep.

Mainly, I'm losing confidence in myself, and I'm afraid that I am going to do poorly on my upcoming essay and exams. Also, I'm afraid I've done poorly on the essays I've already handed in. Within the context of the fact that I am leaving University behind me, I suppose it doesn't matter, but I still feel a sense of dread when thinking of seeing a 7- as my mark. It has to be a 8- or else my heart skips a beat. lol.

Yeah I know what happened to me? Jade if you're reading this you'll laugh, especially considering the way we used to be. Remember reading novels in our science class so much that the teacher got angry at us? lol... I know a 7- something or other is not bad, but what can I say? My standards have gone up... =.=''.

I have this overwhelming need to be free of school. But I know that this is where the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side" truly kicks in. I often hear people who are out of school lamenting that they are gone and now in the mundane atmosphere of the working environment. As much as I can consider this, it only goes so far. I'm sad to leave school, but I know it's no place for me anymore.

Unfortunately, it's not like a bandaid I can just quickly tear off; or a wax strip. I have to wait out this month, and at the end of it I can finally say home free. But perhaps that is where much of the anxiety comes from... being so close to the end, hoping to not slip up. Anxious. Luckily, as long as I attend my exams I'm sure there's no way to ultimately fail. For that essay I'm not so sure but...it should be okay. I'm fine with a 70. Anyways...all I have to do is...finish.

Good Student

My plan was to be one - and I am determined to do it! Whether hungry, lazy, sick or tired. And that's that.

Tidal Wave

I can feel the pressure building up over my shoulders. Streesss. It's going to be even worse cause I'm pmsing and I'm going to have my period when I have my two exams and my essay. But somehow I always pull through right? Somehow I always pull through...

Med Essay: Update

Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.

Oh.shit.

Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.

Wow.

HUNGRY.

Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.

O_O

URGHHH

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

-.-

Ughhh feeling sooo sick, tired, and grumpy. I have a midterm on Thursday for a class that I've !unintentionally! (I know hard to believe) missed 3 times. I always feel this immense amount of guilt...like especially when I think about how she must think (the prof) must think that I just don't like her class and am skipping out purposefully. She's a nice lady though...but not the best teacher...but that doesn't mean I'd skip just because...

Anyway I've just been feeling heavily anxious. I've quit work and yet still I don't feel like I can catch up. It's just like Ashling was saying last night that you just slop things together never really getting things done properly...and she is a way harder worker than I am! Yet I feel the same, always struggling to juggle everything and know as much as I can know...to me that's half-assing. So now that I've quit, I'm still half-assing? No...I don't know, maybe now I'm only 1/4 half-assing. I do see that I've put somewhat more time/energy into it. I *definitely* haven't missed as much school as I used to. Just last Thursday I came down with something and I haven't been able to shake it off...Comes in waves. Some days good some days bad. Luckily I managed to hand in 2 essays that were due yesterday...Felt so sweet. Wasn't up late into the night freaking out going omfg how am I going to finish this holy shit...No I finished at around 1pm and then spent the rest of the day resting trying to get better...(apparently failing). Just go away stupid almost cold! Doesn't help that I have my period...oh man I'm so sore everywhere.

*Whiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Really

hating school right now. And that's all I ever bitch about here...but it's because I'm usually doing research or typing something up, and getting annoyed, and need somewhere to vent (easy access viola). I know I always pull through someone - HOW? HOW??? But I am so angry before that, just like, why prof, why? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? -eye twitch-. I need to get GOING on grad school like ASAPEWR{Q@E$~!#. ...Sorry. Unnecessary anger that's for sure.

Stupid reading responses, they should all be like, oh I thought this and that. But noooouuu I need to "engage" in the text. =( Blah!! Blah! Engggaage....I haven't READ the text.

oh laughter. oh lawls.

Don't Look Back

But I do, I always do. And I'm filled with regret, rage, and hurt, but a veil of indifference covers it all. I'm too sentimental, I guess, and I'm living in the clouds. What can I do but what I've always done? Take one step forward, forgetting all the betrayals, the mistakes, the decisions I've had to make, and yet carrying them with me on my back while the rest of the world revolves without a care.

I sound pessimistic, upset, even, but I'm not really. For those brief moments when I peeked into someone else's life I was angry and sad all at once, but now that I'm looking away I'm fine again. Betrayal? What is it anyway? Life isn't like Alanna's, although I wish it were. Isn't it so easy to make sense of life in a novel?

Another Essay Rant

I just needed somewhere to go WTF!!! I mean...I *GET* everything he's saying...but he's saying SO MUCH! There's too much information and I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing about here.

I guess I should just...begin? See how it goes? I don't know....


A suspicion of meta-narratives...
The loss of transcendence...


I should use WiiFit.

Untilted Because

I have too much to say and too little room to say it. I can't believe it's true, but it is. I could like, talk about so much and add a trillion quotations, not only primary but secondary. But no...but...no.

again and for the same reasons

Soooooo this one is hard to start. I'm just not sure where I'm going with it - uninspired, I guess? Perhaps it's because I don't understand the question well enough...I don't know. But I guess at this point i have to just go with it =(..........................sigh

You again...?

Just don't feel liked/likable.

Self-criticism? Or just a general observation?

It's been a long time....

But I really don't even know why I write here. I realize with a sense of dread that the Internet can hardly preserve my thoughts/words/feelings. Paper is the surest thing for that - paper makes it real doesn't it? Here, it doesn't really exist - unless read by someone else, of course - but paper doesn't need to be read because at least it's there, in the physical realm. What am I saying? Am I dreading my insignificance? But I wont write on paper because I'm here now and here is easier...more convenient. Plus I type better than I write...(yes I am a part of that generation). And on I go...

I was thinking of applying for the creative writing course at my school, but the admission process requires me to risk a 5th course that I need to graduate. As much as I like the idea, I do not want to come back for a summer term just because I didn't get accepted into the class. So that's that. I guess it's up to me to develop my skills...which, I haven't even been. As can be clearly seen I haven't even been doing my random poems.

15 mins until I sign up for my courses -breath- it always makes me nervous because I guarantee that EVERY time there's going to be a OH SHIT moment where doom seems to hang over me. And since this is my last year if it screws up in any way anything can be jeopardized...

Dammit I can't spell. How can an English Specialist NOT spell? I'm going to be owned in grad school if they care that much about spelling cause seriously...

What am I?
Am I the word,
The voice,
Or the body?
Is what I write me,
Or what I read?
Or is it what's inside,
Where no one can see?

Who am I,
But the things I say,
But the art I make?
And what is art
But an expression
Of me and mine?

This sucks.....what's happening to me.

still sick

nuff said

Ahh...

Struggling not to be down...but it's hard. I guess mostly, just accepting that I've done all I can do. Why am I sick? I feel frustrated but at the same time falling into lethargic. I'm told not to care about what everyone thinks, but when you're a part of a community and they begin to push you out, it's hard not to. I don't feel a part of work anymore, I feel disconnected. On one hand, it hurts, on the other, I'm like okay whatever, it's work so...who cares? It's hard to find a balance, and I'm not sure which way is the best to lean towards. I can't believe I got sick so suddenly, and this one is pretty bad. Throat infection I think? I just keep feeling like I'm letting people down.


I don't know does it really matter? Sometimes I suspect my work wishes I quit. I think I'm just a waste of space for now. It's hard to confront that. I want to fit in somewhere, but how? But where? It's hard to know a whole group of people is looking at you and going...seriously? Cause I know, I've seen it happen to other people. It's not that I don;t WANT to go. I do.

What can I do right? Just gotta chill. Relax. Stop being so anxious. -.-

Essays over

And now I must prepare for the exams. OMFG I'm so screwed. The only one I think I'll do OK for is Med Lit. Love that class. Mostly because I followed it pretty well...

Damn you myth and dystopia! I am sooo going to fail. I guess at least I wont fail the classes. =.='''

Back

Soo I'm back to bitch about having to write a paper again. I wish I could just easily *write* it, but there's something inside me that's just like cringing at the idea. I don't want to. Plain and simple. No. Don't want to write. Can't make me. It's like I have a five yr old child inside me who refuses to do something.

I'm not five though and I'm aware of this. So even if it's pure fantastic shit I should just do it and shut my trap and not complain right?

I wish I could do rather than just say. But being here doesn't help so off I go...

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

That was a horrible "ahhh"...not very heart felt. Have I mentioned that I HATE doing research? I believe I have. I hold the "seeds" of an interesting essay but I can't bring myself to tend and grow them. It's so much WORK. Doesn't that sound lazy? Like really lazy? I don't know if that is really the issue here. Perhaps a small part...thinking about all the work. That's not really IT though. I feel like I step in one direction and I want to back track and explore the other direction. And before I know it I've explored so many different directions that I've run out of time.

"Just write!" someone screams, "add the details later!"

But but but but BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

What. That is the huge question there. It's not that I can write one thing but it's writing 8 pages of things while tossing in quotes here and there that gets me. Omfg. Hyeah. I'm panicking!! ARGHH. WAHZ. No, it's not like it's due tomorrow. Oh my god I'm so proud of myself for that. But still...can I will, I? Can I will myself to?

It's all almost over. Then exams. Then summer school. Then rinse, repeat cycle. So not really almost over. I'm an eternal student. In fact, I can't imagine myself NOT being in school. What will I do when I'm not in school? I like learning...actually. I like learning about English...stuff. Even though I'm prob not the best for this crap...

Sigh what am I doing. I haven't even hit a wall yet because I haven't started. :< .........................Sometimes I feel like. It all amounts to nothing. Sometimes, it makes me sad. Other times, I sit on my couch next to kitty and I feel so comfortable and warm and don't care that I'll never accomplish anything.

I'm talented. So what?

None Be Wise

It's my birthday today, meanwhile I'm attempting to study for my Ondaatje exam tomorrow. I wonder what he'd think knowing that there's a whole class deticated to him, and that I'm spending my birthday studying his stuff freaking out over an exam instead of relaxing and celebrating. But I'm feeling a little cynical today. So blame that. Really, my stomach is very upset and I'm getting no where by studying. Looking forward to dinner but I hope my stomach problems don't interfere. Food should make me happy.

I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.

God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.

Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.

To Be Wise

Even though it's late, I should at least try to start my essay.

So where's the inspirational words?

Got none. Jesus...

3 essays due. 2 on tues. 1 on wed.


....hmmm...