revival

My period's been heavier than usual, which has left me weak and moody. But in light of this, I just thought, I have been given something that I've been longing for recently - emotion. Sometimes I get so annoyed at how dead everyone is. No one wants to feel passionately anymore or find emotion in the cosmos in the light and shadows on a lazy afternoon. It's too uncomfortable, too wearisome, to feel until your heart explodes; and also, to feel someone else's. My emotions have always been a burden to people, and thank you Pill for providing me with a plug for them.
Thank you, thank you thank you thank you thank you
For relieving me of a burden so great that in order to relieve myself I had to write and write and write, moving my heart and writing the ink on white the black on blank until my eyes teared up and the wind was blowing, blowing over the snow picking up a mist of snow a mist a mist of hazy white and
And now I am dry. Thank you for that plug so that everything is held tantalizingly back, just out of reach.
It's just barely, now, though, this moodiness has only opened up the plug a tiny little, so that even now I can see from outside of myself and watch with stillness. I like it though, I like it, to be able to stand with the sun at my back and look on with the stillness of a mountain. Or a volcano. Oh you wise mountain with a treasure of lava just waiting to explode out onto the world. Burn burn burn it, make it FEEL! Make it cry your tears and explode into flames into ecstasy into everything we've all ever wanted...
Well my crazy is done for now. I forgot what I wanted to say, but perhaps this all was it all along.

Med Essay: Update

Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.

Oh.shit.

Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.

Wow.

HUNGRY.

Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.

O_O

In Over My Head

Since I am supposed to submit a 10 page paper writing sample for grad school, I asked one of my profs if I could change our 6-8 page paper due tomorrow into a 10 page one and have her look at if for me so I could use it for grad school.

Well. So. Needless to say I haven't started the paper -- and I'll admit that when I wrote the proposal I was not really thinking *too* hard about my topic. It's been in the back of my mind for a while actually. And well...I only have today to write it. Interesting because I have never written a 10 page essay for any of my English classes so I'm not sure *why* I thought I could do it in a day.

...

Anyway I know what I have to do - get focused. I need to make my topic better, workable. (If I can........) It doesn't help that my 14 page paper is constantly coming into my head, like some foreboding event just on the horizon. But. Gotta stay focused.

Kiss x Kiss

(title not at all related to this post)

Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.

I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.

Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.

Ugly

Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.

Don't Look Back

But I do, I always do. And I'm filled with regret, rage, and hurt, but a veil of indifference covers it all. I'm too sentimental, I guess, and I'm living in the clouds. What can I do but what I've always done? Take one step forward, forgetting all the betrayals, the mistakes, the decisions I've had to make, and yet carrying them with me on my back while the rest of the world revolves without a care.

I sound pessimistic, upset, even, but I'm not really. For those brief moments when I peeked into someone else's life I was angry and sad all at once, but now that I'm looking away I'm fine again. Betrayal? What is it anyway? Life isn't like Alanna's, although I wish it were. Isn't it so easy to make sense of life in a novel?

again and for the same reasons

Soooooo this one is hard to start. I'm just not sure where I'm going with it - uninspired, I guess? Perhaps it's because I don't understand the question well enough...I don't know. But I guess at this point i have to just go with it =(..........................sigh

Making a Come Back for the New Year

Hello 2010!

Let's see, right now, I should be preparing presentation notes for my Medieval Lit class at 5pm, but instead, I am here here here!

Just need to scribble down some thoughts. I've been meaning to do my whole "IT'S 2010!!!" thing but I cannot, for the life of me, find my diary.

I say this honestly, it's killing me a little. My dairy is where all my overflowing feelings reside, private feelings that can't sit here on the web. Emotions that need to be pressed with ink into thick, rich paper; immortal paper, I hope.

To me the web isn't immortal. I picture in the future there will be a large scavenger hunt to find precious pieces of digital thought, lost in the endless sea of information that is the Internet. This of course will become necessary in a time where regulations will increase, and a need to delete millions and millions of old information will become essential. Do I want my words to be lost into the abyss? No, I want them firmly imprinted on paper, stuck between pages of a book that I can physically safe-guard with my own two hands.

Where...is my diary? *twitches*

Well, putting that aside, I've been experiencing a spell of -happiness!- broken up with dimming thoughts of anxiety and...mundaneness. I mean now, that's how I'm feeling. What's keeping me bright is this HOLY SHIT good weather. Fabulous weather! I'm sorry England but you guys can SUCK IT! How does it feel? huh? HUH?

All teasing aside, I'm REALLY enjoying this. But I keep feeling the intensely looming presence of Feb., as if there is this snow-cloud looming on the horizon waiting to drop a huge snow-bomb on us. Ugh, paranoia, and yet, according to the commercial world the "winter fashion season" is OUT and spring clothes are in. Since when, really? Isn't it a bit too early to celebrate? Come March, I will still be looking over my shoulder for intense snow fall and -30 degree weather. I can't help it - I'm Torontonian.

As for myself, I feel that 2010 has brought a whole new "me" about. I feel much more sure, much more...confident, in this odd way I've never felt before. It's hard to describe. Perhaps, I'm worrying much? I have more confidence in my abilities? And less and less have I been complaining. One step forward, always, never look back and never try peering too closely into the distance, it'll only trip you up.

I got not much else to say...really, I should be finishing this stuff up.

Been reading 1984 for my Dystopia class, btw. And I gotta say, all this talk of Dystopia has been getting me a little down. Thinking too closely about politics is just so depressing. Let alone about the manipulation of the (un)consciousness by "them" - whose them? - by us, isn't it?

Anyway, I got nothing artistic to "peace out" with. So I'll catch you around.

Peace

a feeling

today i am missing him, which is strange...i have forgotten the feeling, living with him. i miss his hands, his kind words and his devotion to caring for me. even though he will just be gone until tonight, there is a void inside me. i am only half-complete,
whether this is good
or bad
that is debatable
but the truth remains that i wish you were here, to smile at me, to love me, and to be my life-long friend

stress

ahhhh osap, you and your newly added stress. i should have just went in in person and filled out my app. that way. well, i guess things can happen...parental income verification will be needed...etc

i haven't updated in so long b/c ive been so tired lately...today i feel super tired. tom i have an exam and i -should- be studying atm but...ugh ugh ugh so droswy. well i have the trip to quebec to say for that, but, it is also staying up late...working yesterday, etc.

summer is slipping away. blah blah blah, whine whine. what's new right? i've felt so bitter lately, pessimistic ? no bitter is perhaps better. i am not really expecting - anything -. Everything is exhausting...everything is one day after the other. but right now i feel like im dragging my feet, i guess i gotta keep picking it up until im at full speed again. even if im dragging through life, gotta make the best of it.

got a lot of stuff to take care of. hmm hmm...so uninspired.

doo do do doooooo

people are so exhausting...everythin is so exhausting.

i got nothing inspiring to say. i got nothing to say.

there's the tick tick of the clock and the impassioned bustle of the birds, the bees, the people around me. the sun is roaring and there's laughter, the roar of the lawn mower and the groan of the streets beyond. but me, me im in my mud puddle, im stuck in my own mud, my tears, my grimy feelings. stuck in that dark corner where no one can see me. struggling, squriming - can i get out on time? can i join everyone else in their gaity?

there's nothing. there's just this shell. gotta fill it gotta keep going. gotta roar, gotta laugh gotta cry. gotta be a flame that explodes, that never dies. like a pheonix, like a old, ancient soul.

blind but typing, typing away. tatter, todder, tittle, taddle, daddle. inconsistancy. imcomprhension.

finality.

languid

Rising up from lungs that can hardly pump out breath. Lost in the words of...everything else. It's so painful...but all you can do is struggle on. Struggle On. say it again. Struggle on.