Experience

Been experiencing a spell of bitchiness. Period + lack of sleep + stress = monster. It also has to do with the fact that I'm so tired of being a push over, but I guess going the complete opposite way doesn't help the situation.

I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?

But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!

I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!

Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.

Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.

I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!

I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!

Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?

And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.

Life story.

when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.

Maybe?

I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.

Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.

Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell

lol

None Be Wise

It's my birthday today, meanwhile I'm attempting to study for my Ondaatje exam tomorrow. I wonder what he'd think knowing that there's a whole class deticated to him, and that I'm spending my birthday studying his stuff freaking out over an exam instead of relaxing and celebrating. But I'm feeling a little cynical today. So blame that. Really, my stomach is very upset and I'm getting no where by studying. Looking forward to dinner but I hope my stomach problems don't interfere. Food should make me happy.

I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.

God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.

Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.