the past

A day in the life of a past me:

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Wednesday, January 15, 2003

ooo itz been so long has it not? normally id tell u this really funny story! DEMO~ive already told it more than once...o-negai? okie okie, considerabible...^-^ okie okie illl say it! (did i mention im strange?) well....last saturday me and a friend of mine went to out school, since peeps i kno go there for Saturday school and i wanted to introduce my friend to these friends..(*takes breath* wouldnt it b so much easier if i used names? but noooo) ne wayz, we were told to meet one of my friends, ill call him...Eli-chan! *stiffles laughter* at around 8:30am! omgosh! it took me 4eva to wake my friend up 2 get going! lol so we rushed there! and it turned out he wasnt even there yet! so we walked around the school and were talking really loud. everyone looked @ us as we passed by cause we were like. "ya...our school is so ghetto..member when we did this and blah blah blah..." lol cause not many of those kids actually go to our school regularly. nE whO "blah blah" happened and eventually we saw Eli-chan! and he came wid another friend of mine that i got to meet in person for the first time! ^-^ fun fun! ne wayz, i asked wat time they fig. my bf would b there and we all fig he'd b late cause he usually is. (lol sorry Boo) nE whO so my friend and i go to the vending machine so she can buy chocolate, next thing u kno! i hear foot steps behind me and BAM! there he is and he'd pushed me onto the vending machine, i was like "whoa!" aww! he had tooken the bus all da way there! cause he had a "feeling" i was coming (oooo) ne wayz, not a good first impression for my friend cause she was like "O.O *bacs away* literally...(kawaii Boo! lol!) ok ok so, we all talked a lil but unfortunatly class was gonna start soon, so my bf and my friend and i went up des stairs near my gymn. it was dark..and scary! but the bell rang so he had to go and i said my good byes. so i called my friend to go and she just said, "wait! come up here!! com on!" lol!! so i go upstairs...omgosh...she's opening a door and i see a sh*t load of snow come out...it was a door leading out onto the roof....yes ROOF of my school!!!!! LOL so she struggles a bit more and runs outside!! and starts dancing around! and writting her name in da snow wid her shoes! -_-U lol...omgosh so i call her bac cause i see people looking! even a teacher i think!!! so we run inside and leave a trail of snow behind...lol!! okie so we decide to leave, course we need to use the pay phone so i can get a ride...but NOOO bam! teacher comes in from behind, yelling at us, "girls! dont u kno wat time it is!?!?! u should b in class by now!! NAG NAG BLAH NAG..." now im TRYING not to laugh my ass off!! and we'r elike "yes miss. yes miss" lol by walking down the hall! she goes, "itz not funny girls! i saw u here VERY early too! being late is no..blah blah" and then that was it we started laughing even more...and my friend goes, "come on lets run" under her breath. and we dashed off, now im guessing the teacher just guessed we were running to class...lol...but as we're running she's still not far behind us! so we get to the side door of the school (damn slippery) and we see all these people passing by, i run out the door, but i hear my companion cry out in pain! and my name is being called! as i turn around i c a glimpse of her on the ground! she'd tripped and fallen on her behind! lmfruitinao!!! so i run bac and help her up, i go "lets go, lets go!" *shakes head* u kno, no one helped to stop? LOL i mean comon, 2 girls u neva seen before in ur life come running out of ur school and ur not the least bit curious y dey running SO fast? AHH well ne wayzwe gotz no way to phone my dad! so i suggest we go to the tim's near by, but of course we need time to recover from our constant laughter (people r STILL watching) and specially her fall....eh heh...eh HEH HEH....lol ventually we start walking but i notice itz not the street...so i tel my friend and we both agree that maybe the street we're on should lead to the same place...somehow...*looks around* nuh-uh...it didnt...we got lost, sum mini-mall id neva heard of is where we stopped, cause she insisted i did kno where we were going, (i did!!!) lol ne who, i phoned my dad and he tried helping us but he didnt kno where we were either! so i decide im gonna keep on going where i thought to and she comes along, ventually we get to a main street and see tim's in the distance! HOORAY! ^-^ but we were COLD i could NOT feel my legs, guy baddddd weather. ne wayz, so we walking and ventually sum car passess by and honks @ us, now my first thought is, "wth...y is someone honking @ us when we look so ugly in these..." *turns to look* itz DADDY! so we run after the car and hop in! *claps * yays! wat an adventure! dad even took us to tim's and got us coffee to warm us up! *heehee..rememberable. tru story! sorry if itz long *looks at time* shit itz nine man, *sniffles* im loney....^-^ till next time

HoSHi*

============


Scary isn't it? Aren't you glad I'm not like that anymore? Holy sneakers it scares the crap out of me.


--------------------------------

We stood on the roof of the school, looking towards the horizon to watch storm clouds pass by in the distance, just like Angel had predicted. Tory's lips were curved in what I had grown to tell was deep thought. I myself was too occupied by my hunger to think of anything else - to me, my stomach didn't care if there was bad weather. We needed more food, and fast.
"Why do more people come...?" I whispered, more out of exasperation than annoyance.
Tory turned to me, the frown disappearing. "Anthony has a lot of vision. People flock to him."
I knew she couldn't see so I made a disgusted face.
"How is it, by the way?" she asked, ignoring my silent disapproval.
"It's dark, there's huge storm clouds, just like she said."
"Well, we should try anyway. It shouldn't take much to find a PIG. Honestly I like hunting them better than the animals..."
I sighed and watched that frown of thought return. "I still don't like it though."
"Something off?"
"A lot of things."
She nodded in understanding and we stood in the harsh wind for many moments, enjoying the peace even though our stomachs cried out in agony.
"Is it sad that I'm craving bacon so badly right now?" she asked with a dorky smile.
"Heh. No, I don't blame you. I don't blame you one bit."

-A conversation between Tory and I before heading out to find food. Yr 3 after Invasion, Winter.

---------------

It's bloody 1am, okay? I know it's shitty writing...

lonely winter began

The fierce wind howls through the cold streets and my mind is swept up with it.
It paves way for emptiness, leaving a gaping hole that howls through the night.
There is only the black stuff which flakes speckle like the obscured night sky
That the branches reach up to as if to part and save us from the thick, grey clouds.

The moon, the sun, and the man suffer blindness and wane without the other's company,
Only to reunite in the end of the lonely winter.

dead blog

Blogging is dead so sometimes I wonder - what's the point? No one really "cares" about the stuff people write - that's why twitter was invented!! Why read the WHOLE post when you can just get small little updates of your friends lives? Who cares to read a huge-ass post anyway?

I'm not meaning to be cynical - even though the whole above statement seems to be dripping with bitterness. Quite honestly I fall into that category too - it's not like I haven't neglected my friends' blogs. Anyway did I come here to talk about blog?

F no. I really came here because I don't know what to do. I just had my last class and now I'm left to simply wait for my exams to fall and crush me. I'm too tired to do...you know...stuff...that could help me with the exam - so what should I do now?

What were some of my goals?

...Okay, besides you CB. We both know I'm not going to work on you right now.

Why not?!

Well...cause...there's a lot to think about and my brain hurts atm.

You always say that. ALWAYS. You're just lazy.

True say.


??? Yeah I'm tired okay.

I want to draw - like, something good. Something like the stuff I used to pull out of my ass. The only thing is that I suck...well, I esp. suck on tablet, I mean, and I'm too lazy to get out paper and shit....so I go to my table...which turns out frustrating...*rant rant rant*

ThE END!

cool quote that fits my character a lot of the time...unfortunately.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
- George F. Will

Aging Cheddar

Does it really taste better the older it gets?

I'm so afraid of getting old. All the stories I read feature youth in their prime. I feel like I am reaching the tip of that, or maybe I currently am on it. It's hard to say, as it depends on what I consider my "prime". Is my prime still living at home, struggling through university and working part-time? No...but maybe if I mean age wise, or body-type wise, I guess. This is the time to live right? This is when people party and make out, get drunk and meet new people...no? Well I sure as hell aint doing the shitz like that - not that I want to.

Really what I want is independence - and I see money as a means for this. Then my mind wanders towards cold-blue and the absolute horror that all my opportunities might be passing me by as I fail to complete this novel.

Allow me to rant this age old tale (even if it sounds inspired by Shakes, cause it is):

What a demonic inconceivable substance that robs me of my humanity! For years have I suffered on the mere thought of black on white - white for lack of black, and nurtured many a salt-stained cheek for it. It is my own misgivings. My faults doubled upon themselves - guilt laid out onto guilt until I can no longer see the originator. I am my own enemy, not the white abyss. My mind is plagued by a love that may never be returned - whose pages may never be read. This blue, this cold that is frozen within my heart, is but an unborn child. If ever the two - cold and blue - meet on the page, to fill the white abyss with black-blue substance, then I will hit my prime.

I empty of my cartridge; words escape me yet again. Fruitless...fruitless time...yielding no advantages...thrusting me upon the whims of my hands....

scheduale

Sunday - work from 7-6, (usually a 7-3 shift)
Monday - school from 10.30 - 3; work from 5-10.30
Tuesday - work from 7-6, (usually a 7-3 shift)
Wednesday - school from 10.30 - 3; work from 5-10.30
Thursday - school from 11-5
Friday - work from 7-6, (usually a 7-3 shift)
Saturday - Off

I work three days a week. So in theory it should change up every week, but so far I've only seen that I'm doing opens. Meaning the three 7-3s.

Sometimes I would often wonder if I was the only one who saw Tory for who she really was.

Everyone thought she was a he...a blind young boy, fighting against the world; but it's hard to relate to that. No one could really know those deep, forest green eyes that saw the world for what it was - that spoke honestly. Tory was alone, and even though I was too, I knew that it affected her more than me. Simply because the paths I took were always meant to be taken in solitude - from the beginning I had been running away from my past. When I met Tory, I was merely taking a break, escaping, but during that time, everything had caught up with me. Stupidly, and desperately, I knew I couldn't face it alone.

--- Blue and her thoughts on Tory's disappearance

The Shining Prince p2

Tamiko was not a generous, kind, understanding, or loyal person unless it suited her to be. Everything in life was a tool for her to use, to gain any goal she may desire. But desire came up short for Tamiko; she had a tendency to go with the flow of things, so desire came randomly and often resulted in dire consequences for those around her. There were only two people whom she felt she owed something to - her family - and as of yet, Akihiko did not fall into that category.
After dinner her parents left for work again, after all, the world need not stop for such a 'life-changing' event. So her life would go on too, and she would go clubbing that night like she had originally planned.
She found Akihiko in the study room, which was actually a library that no one cared to enter save the cleaners. He stared at the high bookshelves and modern future and desks but looked hesitant to touch them.
"Hey," she called, and to her surprise he didn't jump, instead he merely turned to face her with steady eyes. They looked challenging, as if he were a mice staring across the room into the eyes of a cat.
Tamiko thought, of course he knows no English, so she told him in her rusty Japanese, "I'm going out - would you like to come?"
She gave him one of her most innocent, friendly smiles. The kind where the corners of her lips rise and her eyes shine, welcoming and yet with a tint of playfulness that managed to attract people to her more than frighten them off.
"It's okay to speak English," he told her, stepping off the raised part of the floor where the shelves were and onto the lower landing that held the lounge chairs. He spoke well, but his accent was heavy, almost comical; she couldn't help but widen her smile.
"Alright," she replied, leaning up against the door, "I'm going to a club, and my friends will be here soon to pick me up. Do you want to come?"
He hesitated, then asked, "Is there enough room for me?"
A little laugh tripped out of her, and her wide-necked shirt fell over one of her shoulders, reveling smooth skin. Tamiko had no intention of charming her brother with sexual appeal, but natural beauty could never be turned off.
His eyes wandered to her exposed shoulder, and then back to her, "No thank you, I wouldn't want to bother you and your friends."
Nothing on the outside could possibly give away the shock that erupted from within her. Sure, Tamiko had never genuinely intended to take him along for his benefit, but still she was being gravely insulted in many ways.
"No trouble," she told him with a quick flash of her pearly whites, "I'll just tell them you're my cousin visiting from Japan. Don't you want to see the downtown area? Besides, it beats being all alone in this huge house."
"Being with twenty other people is not what I consider alone."
Tamiko couldn't help it, she glared. "For someone who hails from Japan, you are rather rude."
His form was unreadable and he never wavered in his gaze, "Which is why I was sent away from there. I'm not one to play games, which is what I think you are doing."
Something inside her cracked, like the first signs of ice breaking. It creeped through her until her smile wavered and her eyes widened ever so slightly. Never before had she been so openly exposed in her lifetime. Most let her do what she wanted, whether from devotion or fear, it didn't matter, she got her way.
"I hate you," it had come from deep within her, a little whisper that carried between the expanse of them, filling up the entire room until it stopped to rest in their bones. It had been the most childish thing she had ever said in years, and Tamiko had grown up fast.
"Good, because I hate you too," he replied, "and it can't be helped, considering our circumstances." He took a hesitant step forward. "I have no intention of staying here for long, nor of taking your place in our father's eyes. Unfortunately, it will take me some time to establish some sort of life on my own here, but I would rather not suddenly run away and disappear into a country I know nothing about. I've done that before, in my own country, and it wasn't in the least bit liberating. So for now we will have to live with each other, whether we like it or not." After a moment he added. "I'm sorry."
A tidal wave of emotion collided into Tamiko so that she had to struggle to keep her knees from shaking and her lips from trembling. Desire overwhelmed her; the need to hurt him somehow. Physically was her first instinct. She could grab a nearby lamp and smash him in the head, hitting that pretty face over and over until it no longer existed, or a number of other grisly things that could be fathomed from such an strong impulse. Tamiko, though, was a rational person, she knew that actions like that were considered illegal so the tidal wave turned into a storm of ideas that raged in her head, and they were all perfectly legal.
"I'm sorry, too," she mumbled, and the smile returned while Akihiko could only react to this in dismay.
"So you agree?" he asked carefully, shoving his hands into his pockets; a sign of nervousness.
There was no time to answer, though, because just then Tamiko heard a call down the hall that her friends had finally arrived. The two of them continued to stare at one another until finally, she laughed, a low steady chuckle that rang throughout the halls, even as she turned to leave.

The Shining Prince p1

When Tamiko first met the shining prince, he was sitting at her kitchen table and stood out as being entirely out of place in the room, or rather, in the whole country. At first, she even thought he was a she, his medium-length, red-brown dyed, spiky hair layered and cut to shape his smooth Asian, feminine face. His fashion was odd; he wore a white tank top with a green and white checkered button-up shirt over that was rolled up to his elbows, and washed out blue jeans that couldn't even fit her.He stood, scrapping their hard-wood floor and alerting her parents.
When he bowed his head slightly, she knew he was Japanese.
Despite being a rational person, Tamiko felt her pulse accelerate, especially since a glance her mom's way confirmed that she had been crying. Tamiko's mom never cried. She was a business woman who was never off the clock, hell, even as she stood beside the sink pretending to wash dishes, she was still wearing a grey pencil skirt and white blouse that was rolled up to her elbows. Upon seeing her daughter, though, she turned off the sink and wiped her hands on her skirt, turning to Tamiko. This action in itself scared Tamiko even more; didn't they have a maid to do that? Her mom would only do such things under extreme stress.
"Tami," her mom mumbled, giving a nervous glance to her husband with bright hazel eyes; wisps of her strawberry blonde hair were caught in her red lips, but she didn't seem to mind.
Tamiko followed her mom's gaze to her tall, all-Japanese businessman father. He was still in his navy-blue business suit, buttons done up and tie straight. Her dad's compsure was solid, his youthful face and short-clipped hair contrasted by his sharp, masculine features. There was no waver in his gaze towards his daughter, but he did not smile.
"Tamiko," he told her slowly, "this is Akihiko, you're older brother by two years."
Akihiko didn't say anything when Tamiko looked his way, and in that solid, hard-eyed gaze she saw her father and knew this was no lie.
"I see," she replied, lowering her gaze.
"You didn't have to say it so bluntly," her mother said slowly, her eyes shining.
"It's alright, mother," Tamiko told her, "let's all sit and discuss this?"
Her father nodded approvingly, "Let us move into the lounge so that the help can prepare dinner."
And being the well-put together family that they were, that's just what they did.
Their modern styled lounge left Akihiko with many things to look at, Tamiko noticed. He sat with a straight back on the couch beside her, while her parents sat in two arm-chairs in from of them, with a coffee table in-between. Coffee was served unobtrusively, and thank-yous and cups were exchanged before the conversation actually started. Neither Akihiko nor her father touched the cups, but her mom took to it like a deprived druggie.
"Would you prefer tea?" her father asked Akihiko.
"No, thank you."
"Very well," and he dismissed the help.
"Alright," Tamiko had been thinking for a while, watching her brother from the corner of her eye, she didn't exactly know how to feel, but she wanted to at least know the story. "I think I'm ready to hear this."
Her father cleared his throat. "Before I met your mother, I was married to a woman in Japan. We had a son, and due to certain personal circumstances I left Japan and married your mother."
"Don't forget to mention that you are still technically married to that other woman," her mother added, eyes like daggers.
"Yes," he replied, eyes closing for a moment, "you see, things are different there, if I had divorced Akihiko's mother, then they would have been disgraced and lived a horrible life."
"I understand," Tamiko said with a nod. It made sense to her, and what her father didn't want to say is that love had driven him away from Japan.
"How do you feel about this?" she made sure to ask her mom, because in all, it would affect her the most.
"I feel lied to, and hurt, but don't worry Tami because your father and I will work through this."
They were both rational people, Tamiko knew, but to hear her mother's reassurance calmed her down. Now all there was left to wonder was what to do about Akihiko. Her father had named him shining prince, and had continued to worry about him even after leaving Japan, probably even sending them money.
Her father opened his eyes, determination in his expression. "I will send divorce papers to your mother, Akihiko, since it seems she's giving up on trying to make a life there. And for my wife's sake, of course."
Akihiko merely nodded slowly.
"But why did she send him here?" she asked, eyes hard-set on her father.
To this question, her father actually looked ashamed, whether towards himself or Akihiko, she wasn't sure.
"It seems like Akihiko has been having trouble in university. She emails me frequently, especially to complain about him. But she is not a good mother, so I do not blame him. If anything, the fault is all mine."
A silence fell between the four of them, to which Tamiko again couldn't help but watch her brother. The only feelings she got from him were strange and foreign. From then on out she knew her life would never be the same.
To break the silence help came in, instructing them that dinner was ready.
"We will be there shortly," her mother instructed, and the almost invisible figure disappeared.
"There is something you should both know," she added, "and it is that your father and I have not had a chance to properly discuss what Akihiko will be doing. But I think it is safe to say that you, Akihiko, may find a home here, and we all will do our best to make sure you feel welcome."
To that, Tamiko saw him smile for the first time. "Thank you."

I run away...

My feet carry me into fields of long grass; into moonshine
And my eyes widen with tears, sparkling dew that glistens as it falls to the ground
In Moon's Light
My heart is carried away by the stars and an owl hoots long into the night

the moonies

I just want to complain for a second about how short on cash I am right now...Literally I only have 30$ and that's in my savings...meaning that I essentially have no money.

At least I get paid this FRI. t___t sweeeettt

courses...

Currently am trying to occupy my time with an activity deemed worthy. That being...course selection and timetabling.

AHHHH !! So much...friggin choices and things to keep in mind. Like which term it's in, what's the prereqs, what's the times...holy shit.

This is so stressful. If I can, I want to pick something without tuts.

Guhhhhhhh

Blue and Tamiko convo

_"Do I seem childish to you? Do you get the impression that I am naive or unaware?"
_Her eyes were piercing. I got lost in a gaze of greens, browns, and tinted yellows, that were alive and dancing with intensity. Answers; always searching and coaxing for information. Those eyes wanted everything and I knew it. In that sense, she was childish, but at the same time there was a powerful, almost wise, force that drove her forward. Somewhere deep within, I knew, Tamiko held a purpose that pushed her towards a goal that only she saw. It was far, beyond all our simple thoughts, shooting past even Anthony's. Perhaps even there within that gaze visions of a far off world fueled her flame. It gave her a beauty that no one else in the deadly cold-blue could ever maintain.
_The corners of her lips came up and she flashed her gaze to the others lounging, eating the steamed vegetables slowly and with care.
_"Obviously not." She was looking at me again, arms crossed and her untouched food left to cool beside her thigh.
_"No," I responded, shoving a carrot into my mouth. I hated carrots, but I was so hungry I didn't care. "Not really."
_"Then why warn me? I know what I'm doing. You should be more concerened with your own affairs."
_My hand froze halfway to lifting a fork to my mouth. "With Jack?"
_"With the King, yes. You think he's just going to forget your promise?"
_Thoughts ran ahead of me and scattered, mapping out a picture of memories. They floated around until finally I spotted the one that held which promise she meant.
_"Oh, right. Yeah, so?"
_Her brow furrowed in amusement. "You're not concerned? You do know who you're dealing with, don't you?"
_"I know enough, and I don't really care. Better things to worry about."
_"Like a past that's suddenly deciding to bite you in the ass?"
_We locked challanging gazes for a moment. "Yeah, like that."
_She smiled. "Well, just so you know. Jack's promises last forever. In his mind, he owns this place. He owns everything that the cold-blue touches."
_My head perked up. "Cold-blue? He's mentioned that before, what is it?"
_Her eyes lowered for a moment, long lashes almost touching her cheeks. "It's...a word he made," she mumbled, and then her eyes were back to mine again, intent and knowledgable, "And I think you already know what it is."
_Slowly I chewed a cucumber, is dull juices surprised my mind that thought there should be the evident taste of salt. Unconsciously my mind worked with this, while at the same time I tried to gather what she meant. She was right, I knew what cold-blue was, I had known for a long time. And I was a part of it, if anyone could say what cold-blue was, then it was me.

no more ranting about work

What happened to my dreams?
They got scattered when this whole Japan business came up. Excuse? Doubt it.

Just a thought.

But they'll start again; they're always there. And I can pick then up whenever I need to.

Adventure. Growth. =p I can't wait.

because this is a journal, after all

Everything is coming at me pretty fast. In a month I'll be gone, and I'm not sure if I'm even remotely ready.

News and events happening with friends. It's scary when you can't do anything, and even more frightening not knowing if they'll be okay; but that's what faith is I guess?

I feel like I've been neglecting my friends. Working a little too much, maybe, and then hording all that time I do have for myself. HaHa....I'm becoming somewhat like K.

What's there to do? When I get back I hope I'll be a refreshed sort of person. Honestly though I'm longing for summer...and even now I'm longing to spend more time with K. I miss him, and I'm not sure what it'll be like not seeing him for a month.

Life is so short....

Today I learned returns at work. It was a long-ass day that involved heavy lifting and me standing in the same spot for about six hours i guess. It was good to not deal with customers, but the ones I did deal with pissed me off.

Some dumb-ass asked for me today, making all my co-workers think that he was a friend of mine. Turns out (after dragging my ass all the way out of receiving) that he was just this customer that I had been helping the day before about an order. Freaky guy. Told him the same things I told him yesterday "We don't sell textbooks. Gotta order them. Gotta be fully pre-paid. Gonna take 3-5 weeks or longer to get here." Like wtf. I told you this on the phone yesterday, now you gotta bother me in person? So I said to him, this girl can help you, and I told my co-worker C. I got stuff to do and asked her to help him. Then I left. Later I asked her what happened and it turns out he left saying he'd "think about it". WTH why would you come all the way to the store just to say you'll think about it AGAIN? Totally disturbing, but I suspect he may be stalking me. C. was saying that he didn't even give any hint that he was a customer I'd helped, or else she would have just offered to order the book without even bothering to get me. In fact she's the one who insisted I should be weary. "Never give out your name!" she told me. Now I know doing that can come around to kick you in the ass. I'll watch my words better.

Alright another thing. Asshole of the day. I picked up the phone and said all that introduction crap...then he just says "number 124....". No hi or nothing. So I think fuck okay, and type in the number anyway assuming it's an ISBN. But then he stops short of the right amount of numbers. And so I ask him, "So...is this the ISBN number or...?" and he goes, "no, confirmation number for my order. I got this order and I want to know if it's in yet...etc etc" he goes on and on. God. So I interrupt him and ask. "When did you order it?" He sounded like it was a bad thing when he replied "FIVE days ago."

OMFG FIVE DAYS AGO HOLY CRAP!! CALL THE POLICE CUZ SOMETHING'S WRONG!!!

Idiot.

(I'm actually not even this mad about it but I find being sarcastic amusing)

Anyway I cut through more of his rambling, and I tell him, "Takes three to nine business days to arrive."

him: "THREE TO NINE??"

me: "three to nine business days. We'll call you when it's in." meaning ( STOP FUCKING WASTING MY TIME. )

I was saying this to a co-worker. "What's wrong with these people? Do they think we horde their books and not call them when it's in cause we're evil and lazy? I mean I understand if it's been like 15 days or something and it's still not in..." (me now =>) but don't fucking call FIVE days later and then what...what?? Cause obviously it's NOT IN. OR ELSE we would have CALLED YOU. So what you want me to do? Look it up and say. "It's been shipped." Nice. ...fucker.

And SERIOUSLY why the HELL would you answer the phone like that. I say HI blah blah bllah and you reply with. "Confirmation number...etc"

What am I a fucking machine that you input crap into? Seriously. SERIOUSLY.

Ok so, R. at cash said that this guy fell asleep while she was...."serving" (what word do I use here?) him today. This old Asian man. He fell asleep TWICE WHILE STANDING.

Man I can't even laugh cuz it's too much. Just too much.

Oh and we got these nice chairs now. S. was saying we have them because ppl kept bitching about our lack of seats. Who gives!! I say. Come ON CH. don't give in! These people read your flecking books for free and they ruin your merchandise, and bitch about your prices. They appreciate nothing that you do for them and yet you give them SEATS to lounge in??

SRLY though if this kicks us in the ass later...well it will most likely. I guess I'll get a chance to see on fri and sat.

oh Toy section is being expanded. ...joy.

Is it sad that all I can talk about is work?

Oh oh random. Co-worker took a picture of me at work like last week, claiming I looked cute "in that outfit". Embarassing but funny nonetheless.

ait....1.40 am why am I still here?

tubs tubs tubs...mr tubbbsss.

aboooogaaaaaaaa

Lacking in inspiration. Slowly...ever so delicately...line by line I stumble over white nothingness...hoping to catch those black letters that seem to constantly elude....

Over...and over...the deathly silence of cold winter...

Wind Talker Angel

Angel watched timidly from her place amongst the Weather Committee as Tory gave her speech. Her bright green eyes were shining in the light that had been placed by fire-casters around our group, setting an orange hue on all present. So far, Carter had mentioned, there were about fifty people living in Briar Wood. Within Briar Hall, the large hollowed out room within the tree, all fifty were able to barely take up any space at all. In fact, if Angel really thought about it, she'd say the inside of the tree was about as big as a large sports dome, not uncommon from the one that used to be downtown.
But Angel never thought about the pre-invasion era. Like the other kids, she had been too young to miss a world dead by the time she could actually think for herself. Sometimes she dreamed about things, faces and contraptions that she no longer understood, but for the most part, her thoughts were on the present.
"Let's work together to make a new world," Tory declared, spreading her hands with a welcoming face. "This is the purpose that Briar Wood was built upon. It's hard work to make this place livable, but the more that we have, the better. Thank you, everyone who has traveled so far, out there to be there today."
There were cheers, especially from Rowan whose face always held a fantastic smile. It was coming along way from five years before, but like most others in Briar Wood, he had Tory to thank for that.
"So, let's get to it!" Tory shouted, and everyone took it up. Enthusiasm was what we needed right now, Carter had told her, the new people are timid and skeptical.
People were breaking up, heading to the group leaders and asking for instructions. As soon as Tory stepped down from the makeshift stage, Blue was at her side, keeping an eye on all the people who came up to her.
"Angel?" a voice startled her from behind, forcing her to whip around. It was one of hers, a guy in the weather committee, but she had forgot his name.
"Y-yes...?" she mumbled, trying to stare at the floor.
"We should get going, yeah?" he asked a little playfully, and the other six moved towards her with anticipation.
"Yeah," she replied, giving Tory one more quick glance before taking the others out of Briar Hall. When she had glanced, Tory had been looking her way, smiling reassuringly. In that face she saw the words Tory had told her so many times...

Don't do it for me - don't do it 'cause Anthony would have wanted you to. Do it because this new world needs you, and because you need it. Be something amazing, something you believe in, and create things that you would have never been able to before. Be Angel, a Wind Talker, leader of the Weather Committee. The job was, after all, created for you.

So tired....

Somewhere I can find it...hoping...longing, reaching towards the distant stars. I want to feel things so powerful that it shakes my insides. When will it ever stop...? Just like my breath it keeps going. Over and over...powerful forces pushing me down, thrusting me up against wall after wall. Is it possible to beat the tide?

Somehow I want to reach it...that infinite space I can call my own. Black on white; a powerful mass of things yet to be requiring domination. Hands on keys, eyes lost somewhere else. This belongs to me.

The Greatest Denial

There is a mystery tangling around you, a chasm of deeds that hang suspended in the air like dust. If you sniff them, then you find yourself catching a wisp of dryness, a scent that reminds you of a sleeping wood in the dead of winter. A taste and the back of your tongue is suddenly longing for water, parched and unwilling to be quenched. With a touch, your skin tightens and no matter how far your eyes search all they do is water and twitch as if standing in the deepest maze of old, weathered books.
Your senses cannot find you the answer for what is undeniably all around you. A feeling so overwhelming that it stops you short of breath and your heart skips a bit. How is it possible to gain the truth, the truth that is so bitter?
Either you chase it, or you pretend it was never there to begin with.

When I woke up already I could tell it would be a cold day.
The sun shone forth as we opened the unhinged door, alighting a world that had otherwise been asleep. A dog, noticing us, barked and scurried off, while a group of birds sang in the sunlight. They couldn't resist; the sunlight is an alluding thing. All winter long the skies are covered in a thick layer of clouds, a grey-blue tint shrouding the world. Hearts fall during these times, spirits get doused, and everyone begins wishing for the sun.
"Shit," Tamiko cursed, a cloud escaping from her lips. "It's damn cold."
A sky without clouds loses insulation. For every wish that the sun would shine, a being would die to the frost.

What to do...?

Fear holds me back; the fear of making a decision. -__- What do I want to "be" when I grow up? Of course I want to write books, but breaking into that sort of job can be difficult. Especially for me...who has been writing CB for years now. Keane was saying to me he knows lots of people who only write, but that's after gaining some ground isn't it? I feel like if I'm going to be a "writer" I need some form of income until I can publish my first book.

And then now I'm discovering that teaching is actually pretty difficult to get into. There's a lot of processes that seem totally confusing to me when I tried doing research online. And now I have the opportunity to volunteer in a classroom to gain some experience, but I don't know if I should...

Maybe I should be writing instead?

"Experience is always good."

Yeah, it is...isn't it? But what should I do...maybe just worry about finishing CB. Maybe then, everything should just fall into place for me. Aim to being a teacher, and then if I finish CB and I end up having to focus on that, then I will...?

Time. Things take time. I think I constantly fail to realize this. Confidence, motivation, knowledge, constitution. Can I really take a step up?

New name

Going to sleep so late....again ahhhh...

Karas' new name is Mathis. I think it suits him perfectly.

It's brilliant.

Karas was too weird to say...Mathis seems more human, and less like I'm trying to copy the anime...hahaha

p.s It means gift of god.

The Steward

Still intend to fix up some things here and there (arms too long). Anyway this is Johayn! I've become very attatched to her <3. Why do I like cross-dressing girls...don't ask me!!! Blame the manga I read T____T

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“Johayn, when you are done dressing Finely be sure to stop by Myrtle’s room; she is being difficult,” Steward Musec spoke slowly in his timeless way, as if he were spilling dry leaves from his lips. His words were dead, the emotion in his dark eyes bleak. Everything about him was serious, even the way he kept his wine-colour vest, finely pressed shirt, dark brown trousers, and polished shoes perfectly orderly. The way he held himself, one arm holding the door slightly ajar, the other stiff at his side, spoke of perfect service. Despite that he was not aged, it was as if through such rigorous control he had managed to at least conserve his beauty. Those black-pooled eyes matched his slicked back black hair, short and simple for someone who worked all day long. It did not take anyone long to notice how interestingly well he contrasted with the King; one white, the other black, as different as night and day.
“Yes, sir,” she mumbled, tying the two year old’s shoelaces without much thought. The boy was averting his gaze, watching Johayn’s actions intently with dark blue eyes. His scrappy black hair was covering his face, hiding the frown that Musec would most likely disapprove of.
The Steward didn’t need to see the child’s face to know his displeasure, but there was not much to be done for it. He left without a word, leaving the two in a vast room with two attendants, both waiting patiently as usual in case they were needed. Johayn may be the future Steward, but a five and two year old could never be left unattended.
At such a young age she already understood Musec, and why he was so stiff. Naturally she took after him, dressed in a green vest and nice white shirt, with grey pants. Queen Cameron had seen to her dressing, being sure to fiddle with her gold ribbon about her neck, making sure it looked ‘gentlemanly’ but still ‘adding a feminine touch’, as she put it. It suited Johayn well, matching her soft brown hair and wide, brown eyes. Queen Cameron had also cheated there, making sure that her hair was just above the shoulder. A popular male style but still feminine enough to make any who pass by wonder. Not that anyone really wondered; everyone knew (but didn’t really care) that Johayn was a girl.
She straightened herself, watching as Finely looked up with his dark blue eyes, a pleading within them. Tussling his short black hair, she held his hand gently with reassurance.
"It's okay," she whispered, leading him to the adjoining room. It was not enough, she knew, but was helpless to remove the terrible memories this child held in his heart.
"Miss Myrtle?" Johayn mumbled, tapping the door lightly. "May I enter?"
There was shuffling, and then an attendant was opening the door, allowing the two into a room fit for a princess. As she was one, Princess Myrtle sat defiantly on her grand bed, arms crossed and eyes blazing. She was surrounded by a room decorated with all types of lace and flowers, puppets and comfortable furnishings; her own fine outfit, long dark hair and light blue eyes matched the setting well. For a four year old, Myrtle was already fitting into her role well.
"Don't call me miss, Johayn," she whined, watching as the two made their way over.
Johayn smiled, holding out her hand slowly to the little girl. "I didn't, I called you Miss Myrtle."
The princess' lip quivered, frustration sparking tears to well up in her eyes. Reluctantly she took Johayn's hand, always staring into those wide brown eyes. "I hate him," she whispered, so low only Johayn could hear.
The only thing she could do was squeeze the Princess' hand in recognition; Johayn's own feelings didn't matter. All she had to do was make sure they were there on time, and that by the time they got there the two children at her sides would not be fearful, but smiling as if they'd missed their brother intensely.

emptiness

Right now I am trying to cry. I know it's weird, why would I want to cry? But I should because...of this and that...and yet I can't bring myself to. At 4am last night, I felt so passionate about a lot of things that my heart swelled with happiness. Now I feel like a log, a tired log, and I don't want to sleep with my heart feeling this empty.

Goodnight
Goodnight

Two matching, boring phrases accompanied by sad faces.

Argh, there is just this, now, and the future is a hazy grey of uncertainty. To say stupid things like, "I want to spend every day with you" seems so impossibly hard. Where are we going? What kind of path will this put us on? I have so many regrets...I don't know where to begin.

And mainly I wonder, what happened to that girl who used to feel so passionate about so many things? Is this what being old is like? Suddenly you're too tired to feel a blazing heart, and everything becomes monotonous.

Between work and those empty spaces that define us, even now I find myself wishing you would place your hand on my cheek for just a little longer. A long time ago, when you used to walk away I would cry after you left, but now I merely move on. I think this feeling came over you long ago, or maybe you were always like this, because it's so rare I see you overly sad from missing me.

There are so many simple things that send tears down my cheeks while writing. Especially thinking about the fact that you will not even read this.

Here...in this purple abyss, I'm thinking about your eyes, your smile, your bushy chin. I'm trying to remember what it felt like to hold your hand only hours ago. I'm wishing I could make you laugh just one more time today...

But there is just here, now, and the hardships will only increase. Saying these desperate things are pointless...crying and writing to a wall of purple while you sleep empty of dreams.

Sometimes I think without meaning to, that it'd be nice to see how much you miss me...instead of just hearing those words I've heard a million times for 5 yrs now...

"i miss you"

maybe instead i'd like it to be "i miss you so much i could cry"

some random wish i just had...was to go ice skating with you. just the two of us...wouldn't that be nice...

goodnight, and don't worry, whoever does read this, because I wanted to feel this sad, this passionate about something. and i succeeded, and in some odd way, i'm happy.