Experience

Been experiencing a spell of bitchiness. Period + lack of sleep + stress = monster. It also has to do with the fact that I'm so tired of being a push over, but I guess going the complete opposite way doesn't help the situation.

I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?

But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!

I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!

Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.

Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.

I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!

I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!

Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?

And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.

Life story.

when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.

Maybe?

I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.

Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.

Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell

lol

None Be Wise

It's my birthday today, meanwhile I'm attempting to study for my Ondaatje exam tomorrow. I wonder what he'd think knowing that there's a whole class deticated to him, and that I'm spending my birthday studying his stuff freaking out over an exam instead of relaxing and celebrating. But I'm feeling a little cynical today. So blame that. Really, my stomach is very upset and I'm getting no where by studying. Looking forward to dinner but I hope my stomach problems don't interfere. Food should make me happy.

I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.

God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.

Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.

To Be Wise

Even though it's late, I should at least try to start my essay.

So where's the inspirational words?

Got none. Jesus...

3 essays due. 2 on tues. 1 on wed.


....hmmm...

Sudden Asperations.

Not sure if I'm using the word wrong, but, to say, I am aspiring towards something!! That's what I'm trying for. Recently I've felt like I've been going through a depression, and just now, miraculously (??wtf is my word check??) I feel like I am coming out of it - or rather, aspiring to come out of it. I feel happy. And I know it's strange, but I haven't felt happy in a long time. I feel like, without realizing it, I have begun to stretch out my world. I used to be so gloomy thinking about how my life is so one-dimensional; I used to stress over meeting new people, making new friends, and even dating other guys. Now though, after shutting down those thoughts, I've been finding happiness in what I have rather than what I don't. And being comfortable with that I've rediscovered the things I already have. Kinda like yesterday, I went through all my old clothes and realized - I don't need any new clothes, the ones I already have are perfect! And there was a sudden newness to them too, like their potentional hasn't been fully explored yet. I've started to feel this way about other aspects of my life, especially when it comes to people I just casually know.

It's a good feeling. I hope that by writing this I don't forget, and also, I feel like just by writing, just now, I've discovered these things about myself. Yes, it's good. =) Really cool.

I'm looking forward to my birthday...I just hope that, not only 5 people show up and I get hurt. I just flashback to the Indigo thing and well yeah. Point is to not care right?? Haha, well I don't care as much as I think I will an hour before going. Ah well, what can you do?

Anyway that's depressing stuff! Happy. Happy. lol 15 people are already saying they're going, that's a lot!!

Arghh Essay to write...later

in over my head

Umm...what happened? I thought I had a lot to write? This thing is supposed to be 2500 words long (7-9 pgs ish) and I thought I had it in the bag...but now I'm on page 4 and I've miracously run out of steam? For the first time in forever I feel like I'm writing a *scholarly* essay, like, something that is NOT BS. Wow I know, right? And yet...here I am, running out of things to say. Class starts in 15 mins and there's no possible way I'll make it. It is suddenly dawning on me that I have failed to meet a deadline.

Hm..............Although not entirely bad, I'm amazed at how I failed to put it all into perspective. So much work has gone into what I have so far and yet it's only amounted to being done half the essay. I've seriously taken for granted the power of BS. BS could easily fill 7 pages instead of REAL research. Jesus. Less work too.

What the hell am I doing...plus I have work tonight. I called in just to double check and my manager answered, as soon as I told her who it was her voice suddenly lost all warmth and cheerfulness. THANKS! I guess she figured I was going to call in sick...just checking on my shift!!!

Sooo now what do I do? Knowing I've missed the deadline do I suddenly pull the reigns and chill out...OR do I maniacally (< is this a word?) rush to finish and somehow make it to class just before it ends?!?!?!??!?!

Hmmmm....

was doing good

Impressively, I wasn't freaking out about my 2500 word essay due tomorrow until about a minute ago. I myself am surprised about how quickly I cracked. Having completed the introduction I made my way over to K who was watching a movie, "Across the Universe", with T, and showed him my intro, being pretty proud of it. After looking over it I asked them if they were ready to play some Beatles Rock Band since the movie was over, and the reply I got from K was, "But you're not done your essay." He has been jabbing at me about it all night, and at first I dealt with it pretty okay, although it was getting annoying, because I knew he was joking. This time something snapped in me and I let him know straight out that I was getting tired of it. He apologized to me and said he was joking, but it's at a point where it's not funny anymore. Now the pressure on my back is there, my palms are sweaty and my stomach is knotted: I'm stressed. And honestly, I'm less stressed by the idea that the essay is due tomorrow than I am by the constant nagging about it, like when my mother kept insisting that I finish up all the packing. Being quite aware of my responsibilites, and having, throughout my life, relied fully on myself when it comes to due dates, I find outside pressures too much to handle in part because they are pointless and also because I find them to be criticisms: only I am allowed to criticize myself.

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to play and take a break. I just mumbled and left. It further annoys me that he asks me, when I had just asked him. It's like he's taking the power away from me, or something. As if I can only work on his suggestions: do your essay?, play rock band with us?.

I'm mad, and even madder that he is just sitting in that room as if nothing happened.

Jerkface.

I think I'll be a lot less mad about this later but for now I am completely turned off from this stupid essay....

Freaking out!!

Self-explainitory. STUPID SCHOOL!