s-t-r-e-s-s

It boils down in me but expression of it is hard to come by. It flares up and dies quickly, getting lost in the throat. Your fists clench and you find yourself about to burst out about how unfair it all is...but then you stop. Being this old you know there is really no use complaining. Your steps hit the pavement with a heavy motion, slow, like someone being dragged forward against their will. There is silence. You and your comrade are lost in your own thoughts, both worried about separate things. You both understand the silence. There is nothing more to be said.

Now

All I hear is the slow heart beat -
The restless death of what can, what would,
What Could Never Be.
The stiffling cries of someone who bleeds,
Of something that struggles for air,
Lives inside me.
It can't grow without sun light,
It can't find a route of expression.
I'm dying here, slowly,
Like a wild rose trapped in the shade.
Unless these words come out,
Unless these leaves stretch out,
Into the sunshine and sweet rays,
I ain't got no fighting chance.
Find me a passage for expression,
Find me a way to sing my heart to life.
Because if I don't, even if I don't cry,
Just once -
I just may die.

Let's goooo

So time to get back into the "game", mainly, get back to real life. I've been vegetating for the last week, doing pretty much nothing productive. Although I am still sick I wanna get back on course. If there was one thing I wanted to be proud of this year it was my marks. Hopefully I manage to make myself proud.

All other things have been literally going to shit. I haven't written in officially forever. Nothing productive or artistic has come from these hands. I also haven't been to work in forever. My capacity for caring about that place has been dwindling. My social life has also been completely reduced, and I realized, tragically, is that the reason I like staying at work is because I like the people there. I feel like I'm interacting with people, involved in a social world. Yeah...I'm sure a lot of them feel that way. Recently though my home/school life has been sucking me in. I'm starting to think though...well, maybe that's not so bad. If it's happening, it's happening right? I said to myself i'd "get out there" and "meet new people" but honestly right now I'm so just like...tunnel vision to complete school.

Jesus where does the time go? Seriously.

Well whatever, take it as it comes! I anticipate quitting work after this Christmas, and honestly I think they will be happy for it. S. has become a second K. to me, totally ruining my happiness that had emerged from K.'s leaving. Whatever...now she just seems like a joke to me. I guess it's true I do have a lot of sick time...but that's bad for me right?! Like I mean, do I WANT to get sick? NO! I don't go out drinking every night and all that crap...

Anyway enough ranting. This has fallen onto, CONFIDENCE! If my work says shit about me I'll be like...whatever I know who I am, right? I don't need this place. (Even though it's a pretty good place to work.) But time to move on right? I got plans, things I wanna do. I figure if I quit work I'll start volunteering and stuff. And most importantly I wont compare myself to anyone else.

Just do what I gotta do.

hell week

Soo...last night I was talking on the phone (you know who you are!) when suddenly I began to feel super sick, like, dizzy and as if I were going to throw up. It felt like a mix of a allergic reaction to the cats and motion sickness. Bad thing was a got a huge headache as if my brain were being split in half, and weird thing is my eye turned all red and crap. Needless to say I went to sleep feeling really shitty, and this morning I feel better but, after much debate (and the fact that I am already super late) I decided to skip school. My head and eye hurt. What is this ailment???

Well.......why complain......................................? Why am I trying to defend myself? Or at least that's what I feel like I'm doing.

I just have no motivation. Sure, I could force myself to go. But when I think about it I feel so...blah.

If I thought 2 weeks ago was hell week, then I was wrong. this week is hell week. It's like the walls are all caving in, everything I tried to support is falling. The only question is can I survive even with all this half-assedness?

Oh my god this headache...wow. Maybe it's the computer screen?

I'll just take a break and then start the essay.

I'm hating myself right now, but can't let that happen.

rest

finished, handed in. week's over...so tired

anxieties...

Losing......steam..........................



Pg 2...still...pg 2...RAWRRRRRR

alright

Starting now. 6pm, have until 5pm tomorrow, but ideally, till 1pm so I can attend class. 1500 word essay.

GO!!!