a deep sigh

I know I sound emo. But basically, I'm so tired -- I don't want to care anymore. But I do. But this is the last one. The LAST. The cumulation of everything, of ever moment, of all the sweat, the mental energy, the anxiety -- all up to this. My eye hurts; the left one has been spasming randomly. I just want to toss myself up against this last exam with recklessness, whether or not it means doing bad. But of course that's not acceptable. I'm just so tired. It's all on this moment. And when it's over, I'll find myself with nothing. With the abyss? It's like having a mountain of books to read and getting to the last one to the last page to the last period.

And then what?

revival

My period's been heavier than usual, which has left me weak and moody. But in light of this, I just thought, I have been given something that I've been longing for recently - emotion. Sometimes I get so annoyed at how dead everyone is. No one wants to feel passionately anymore or find emotion in the cosmos in the light and shadows on a lazy afternoon. It's too uncomfortable, too wearisome, to feel until your heart explodes; and also, to feel someone else's. My emotions have always been a burden to people, and thank you Pill for providing me with a plug for them.
Thank you, thank you thank you thank you thank you
For relieving me of a burden so great that in order to relieve myself I had to write and write and write, moving my heart and writing the ink on white the black on blank until my eyes teared up and the wind was blowing, blowing over the snow picking up a mist of snow a mist a mist of hazy white and
And now I am dry. Thank you for that plug so that everything is held tantalizingly back, just out of reach.
It's just barely, now, though, this moodiness has only opened up the plug a tiny little, so that even now I can see from outside of myself and watch with stillness. I like it though, I like it, to be able to stand with the sun at my back and look on with the stillness of a mountain. Or a volcano. Oh you wise mountain with a treasure of lava just waiting to explode out onto the world. Burn burn burn it, make it FEEL! Make it cry your tears and explode into flames into ecstasy into everything we've all ever wanted...
Well my crazy is done for now. I forgot what I wanted to say, but perhaps this all was it all along.

Looking Down

If I think about the past...
I can just stand and wonder at the person I used to be.
There was so much feeling, liveliness, which now is spent with moments of silence, staring into the distance as if waiting for something.
How do I describe what I feel now, when my insides are motionless? When I feel pressed on the edge of something, not sure where to turn?
Where are those warm summer days? And even, those inspired winters?
If I can't be who I was, perhaps it's time to be something else.
And yet still, I find myself drawn to those impassioned feelings. I want to capture those moments which hang at the edges of realty. With a certain glance, a careful consideration, the possibility of inspiration can be accessed; a window to the world that is not exactly this world.
Even these words feel dead; like dry leaves on a winter's sidewalk.

Disaster

So, I've been trying to study. Quite diligently too. I know that every piece of knowledge is valuable but some slip away...It's like trying to grab a huge pile of something and carry it away just in your arms. You run as fast as you can to store all of it away but some fall out in the process. Sigh. I don't feel panicked now, although, tomorrow I will probably be. What can you do really? Just have faith in yourself. I've learned that, during my time at school. To believe in your own capacity. Sure I've seen myself fail, but more often than not I've overcome, even if just by enough. And even more often, it's by way more than enough. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth just in case tomorrow I totally crash and burn. But I hope what I do today is enough for tomorrow. Enough to do more than okay.

Well...better stop complaining and start studying.

Med Essay: Update

Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.

Oh.shit.

Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.

Wow.

HUNGRY.

Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.

O_O

Justifiability

So just because I want to say this somewhere and to no one in particular...

I know I'm lazy. I'm not sure if it's laziness or something else...well, recently I have been sick so. I guess that counts?

I know I should have done things a lot time ago. I know a lot of times I should be doing things but I don't. I'm not sure if it's being lazy or if it's just being stuck...unmotivated.

That's all I've got.

Kiss x Kiss

(title not at all related to this post)

Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.

I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.

Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.

Ugly

Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.

Wonder

Is my life a succession of un-happy days, marked by happy days? Hmmm...

-.-

Ughhh feeling sooo sick, tired, and grumpy. I have a midterm on Thursday for a class that I've !unintentionally! (I know hard to believe) missed 3 times. I always feel this immense amount of guilt...like especially when I think about how she must think (the prof) must think that I just don't like her class and am skipping out purposefully. She's a nice lady though...but not the best teacher...but that doesn't mean I'd skip just because...

Anyway I've just been feeling heavily anxious. I've quit work and yet still I don't feel like I can catch up. It's just like Ashling was saying last night that you just slop things together never really getting things done properly...and she is a way harder worker than I am! Yet I feel the same, always struggling to juggle everything and know as much as I can know...to me that's half-assing. So now that I've quit, I'm still half-assing? No...I don't know, maybe now I'm only 1/4 half-assing. I do see that I've put somewhat more time/energy into it. I *definitely* haven't missed as much school as I used to. Just last Thursday I came down with something and I haven't been able to shake it off...Comes in waves. Some days good some days bad. Luckily I managed to hand in 2 essays that were due yesterday...Felt so sweet. Wasn't up late into the night freaking out going omfg how am I going to finish this holy shit...No I finished at around 1pm and then spent the rest of the day resting trying to get better...(apparently failing). Just go away stupid almost cold! Doesn't help that I have my period...oh man I'm so sore everywhere.

*Whiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Wow

I just saw this tab called "stats" and apparently it shows you the number of page views you receive -- even shows from which countries people are viewing from, including the browsers and operating system.

Wow.

And apparently, most of my viewer ship comes from the US?? Then it's the United Kingdom, then...Canada. Not sure...what to think now. I assume though that it's like, randos dropping by as they click "random blog" or whatever. But what does this mean...?

The post that apparently got more than 100 page views was one about summer clothes...mmm Summer. How I miss you so.

So to all my American audience...STFU!! Haha joking - ? But no, thanks to all my fans!!! *waves in front of no one*...

Silence, darkness, an expansive gulf that stares right back at you...

and

In a single moment, suddenly I am calm and confident. Where did it come from? And will it last?

This Strange Case...

Yeah so, as you can see I'm back again to b!tch about essay writing. This time it's R.L Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's funny because I'm doing a lot of "research" on the double-self, but in all of this I feel like I don't really have a dual self --- OR DO I?

Maybe that's the issue, the paranoia...perhaps there is something deep down, something I suppress - something we ALL suppress. A darkness that daily is the opposition to all of our decisions, that from moment to moment we must say "no" or "yes" to. But I suppose I would define this as the product of a CONSCIENCE, or as Freud has taught us, the difference between the ID and the Superego. The duality that we feel is merely raw emotions and desires before it gets buffered by everything we are taught by society on being a "good" individual. Thus the split: we are shamefully aware of our initial desires that seem to stem from something unnatural, something that we intuitively define as the self but not.

OOOOOh I think I might use this for my essay! hahaha Well seems like it IS good to free-write just to get my thoughts down.

I WANNA DO SUMMER STUFF! But for the next week or two I'm stuck with essays. AH well, August is free, free, FREE!

Feeling good. Till next time.

You again...?

Just don't feel liked/likable.

Self-criticism? Or just a general observation?

It's been a long time....

But I really don't even know why I write here. I realize with a sense of dread that the Internet can hardly preserve my thoughts/words/feelings. Paper is the surest thing for that - paper makes it real doesn't it? Here, it doesn't really exist - unless read by someone else, of course - but paper doesn't need to be read because at least it's there, in the physical realm. What am I saying? Am I dreading my insignificance? But I wont write on paper because I'm here now and here is easier...more convenient. Plus I type better than I write...(yes I am a part of that generation). And on I go...

I was thinking of applying for the creative writing course at my school, but the admission process requires me to risk a 5th course that I need to graduate. As much as I like the idea, I do not want to come back for a summer term just because I didn't get accepted into the class. So that's that. I guess it's up to me to develop my skills...which, I haven't even been. As can be clearly seen I haven't even been doing my random poems.

15 mins until I sign up for my courses -breath- it always makes me nervous because I guarantee that EVERY time there's going to be a OH SHIT moment where doom seems to hang over me. And since this is my last year if it screws up in any way anything can be jeopardized...

Dammit I can't spell. How can an English Specialist NOT spell? I'm going to be owned in grad school if they care that much about spelling cause seriously...

What am I?
Am I the word,
The voice,
Or the body?
Is what I write me,
Or what I read?
Or is it what's inside,
Where no one can see?

Who am I,
But the things I say,
But the art I make?
And what is art
But an expression
Of me and mine?

This sucks.....what's happening to me.

Again

Nothing concise. All copy and pasted from various sources, my own words sandwiched in between. A collaboration of thoughts collaborated from others' thoughts into eight pages of nonsense.

This is what I do.

truth

no no! It's not true! I have nothing, don't I? Nothing!

Why am I so self-destructive? What am I doing to myself? If someone told me of this, of me, I'd say "Dude you worry too much. Don't sweat it." But when it comes to me I'm so self-inflicting. There's so many ways to damage ones self and I do it emotionally. I abuse myself!

But this is just evidence that I take it too seriously.

Slacker. No good. Worth nothing.

See see. It pops up again!

Why did you even pay for school if you don't even attend??

I do what I have to do to survive! It's a working system so screw you!

It works but it makes you look bad!

Who cares? What difference will it make? I expect professors to treat me professionally and grade me on what I can dish out not my lack of attendance. That's what participation marks are for! I can't help it if I'm a genius that doesn't need to go to class. PSHHHAA!

Anyway this is me being more eccentric rather than having a mental break down. I just need my latter voice to speak up more. Otherwise, the self-destructive one is there.

The point is survival.

just for this...

Just wanted to write somewhere. Feeling like I've come down with something. =.= Ugh, but otherwise, in good spirits despite having done NOTHING for reading week. Goals for today are to finish my essay...hopefully.

Today am going to a wedding shower tho...but I guess it wont be for long.

A lot of times I wonder about popular culture; sometimes it can be fun but most of the time it disgusts me. For example, at first I was so turned off by Harry Potter, but actually, after seeing the movies (which I know were horrible) I began to see the attraction to it. I know she "ripped off" a lot of genres/people, but, at the same time - don't we all kinda? The presentation was still pretty original, at least for American standards. Also, despite having issues, the stories are enjoyable and not purely smut - there's a lot of thought that goes into it. Despite not really being a "fan" of Harry Potter, I grew to respect and appreciate it.

Versus. Twilight, of course, which I'm sure I don't even need to rant about.

I just don't understand it - things so blatantly bad but raved by many people. I don't know. Perhaps I've become too elitist as an ENG major?

Anyway I gotta get ready for the shower. Later.

Making a Come Back for the New Year

Hello 2010!

Let's see, right now, I should be preparing presentation notes for my Medieval Lit class at 5pm, but instead, I am here here here!

Just need to scribble down some thoughts. I've been meaning to do my whole "IT'S 2010!!!" thing but I cannot, for the life of me, find my diary.

I say this honestly, it's killing me a little. My dairy is where all my overflowing feelings reside, private feelings that can't sit here on the web. Emotions that need to be pressed with ink into thick, rich paper; immortal paper, I hope.

To me the web isn't immortal. I picture in the future there will be a large scavenger hunt to find precious pieces of digital thought, lost in the endless sea of information that is the Internet. This of course will become necessary in a time where regulations will increase, and a need to delete millions and millions of old information will become essential. Do I want my words to be lost into the abyss? No, I want them firmly imprinted on paper, stuck between pages of a book that I can physically safe-guard with my own two hands.

Where...is my diary? *twitches*

Well, putting that aside, I've been experiencing a spell of -happiness!- broken up with dimming thoughts of anxiety and...mundaneness. I mean now, that's how I'm feeling. What's keeping me bright is this HOLY SHIT good weather. Fabulous weather! I'm sorry England but you guys can SUCK IT! How does it feel? huh? HUH?

All teasing aside, I'm REALLY enjoying this. But I keep feeling the intensely looming presence of Feb., as if there is this snow-cloud looming on the horizon waiting to drop a huge snow-bomb on us. Ugh, paranoia, and yet, according to the commercial world the "winter fashion season" is OUT and spring clothes are in. Since when, really? Isn't it a bit too early to celebrate? Come March, I will still be looking over my shoulder for intense snow fall and -30 degree weather. I can't help it - I'm Torontonian.

As for myself, I feel that 2010 has brought a whole new "me" about. I feel much more sure, much more...confident, in this odd way I've never felt before. It's hard to describe. Perhaps, I'm worrying much? I have more confidence in my abilities? And less and less have I been complaining. One step forward, always, never look back and never try peering too closely into the distance, it'll only trip you up.

I got not much else to say...really, I should be finishing this stuff up.

Been reading 1984 for my Dystopia class, btw. And I gotta say, all this talk of Dystopia has been getting me a little down. Thinking too closely about politics is just so depressing. Let alone about the manipulation of the (un)consciousness by "them" - whose them? - by us, isn't it?

Anyway, I got nothing artistic to "peace out" with. So I'll catch you around.

Peace

Experience

Been experiencing a spell of bitchiness. Period + lack of sleep + stress = monster. It also has to do with the fact that I'm so tired of being a push over, but I guess going the complete opposite way doesn't help the situation.

I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?

But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!

I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!

Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.

Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.

I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!

I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!

Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?

And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.

Life story.

when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.

Maybe?

I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.

Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.

Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell

lol