I find it kinda funny....

I'm so tired today. I'm so slow... like I'm dragging my feet. Where am I going? I used to know, now the road is dark and shadowed. Though is that really what is dragging me down? I'm not sure... just so unmotivated today.

I saw his words and they shook me to the core...tears erupted from within and now stain my face. I wish I could talk to him, knew he was safe. But he's gone now, to another place. And I can't follow, and I can't know anymore

And what is sleep

But a rest from reality?
Where can I go to hide from these feelings?
Half in fantasy, half in waking,
I find myself wandering down a dangerous path.
Who will catch me when I fall?
Or will I fall back to sleep?
Only time will tell where this path leads,
Lest I wake in true
And discover that it's all a shame.
A real shame, a hurting shame,
A crying shame,
A shame I wear in broad daylight.
I want to ask to not be judged,
But that's not really the problem.
Really, I just wish I knew
Exactly what to do.

a deep sigh

I know I sound emo. But basically, I'm so tired -- I don't want to care anymore. But I do. But this is the last one. The LAST. The cumulation of everything, of ever moment, of all the sweat, the mental energy, the anxiety -- all up to this. My eye hurts; the left one has been spasming randomly. I just want to toss myself up against this last exam with recklessness, whether or not it means doing bad. But of course that's not acceptable. I'm just so tired. It's all on this moment. And when it's over, I'll find myself with nothing. With the abyss? It's like having a mountain of books to read and getting to the last one to the last page to the last period.

And then what?

Nothin' Special

I just really don't feel motivated to study. Not sad - not happy, per say. Just tired. A lazy sort of tired. Not the one where you wish you could just lie down and wrap your arms around yourself cause the world has worn you down, or cause it's asking for too much - but more a lax sort of tired, a peaceful sort. I just want to close my eyes and listen to the silence, and not have to hold all these thoughts in my head.

I haven't been sleeping recently. Perhaps that is why I am like this. I feel so tired that I think when I shove info inside it just pops right back out...

To close my eyes...to fall asleep...to dream.

just another complaint

I feel really weak today, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Even though the weather is getting better, the sun is shining - I guess it's just lack of sleep.

Mainly, I'm losing confidence in myself, and I'm afraid that I am going to do poorly on my upcoming essay and exams. Also, I'm afraid I've done poorly on the essays I've already handed in. Within the context of the fact that I am leaving University behind me, I suppose it doesn't matter, but I still feel a sense of dread when thinking of seeing a 7- as my mark. It has to be a 8- or else my heart skips a beat. lol.

Yeah I know what happened to me? Jade if you're reading this you'll laugh, especially considering the way we used to be. Remember reading novels in our science class so much that the teacher got angry at us? lol... I know a 7- something or other is not bad, but what can I say? My standards have gone up... =.=''.

I have this overwhelming need to be free of school. But I know that this is where the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side" truly kicks in. I often hear people who are out of school lamenting that they are gone and now in the mundane atmosphere of the working environment. As much as I can consider this, it only goes so far. I'm sad to leave school, but I know it's no place for me anymore.

Unfortunately, it's not like a bandaid I can just quickly tear off; or a wax strip. I have to wait out this month, and at the end of it I can finally say home free. But perhaps that is where much of the anxiety comes from... being so close to the end, hoping to not slip up. Anxious. Luckily, as long as I attend my exams I'm sure there's no way to ultimately fail. For that essay I'm not so sure but...it should be okay. I'm fine with a 70. Anyways...all I have to do is...finish.

In wanting I seek
In seeking I want
It is a paradox of life

Through shrouds of grey we watch them

Like tumbling weeds on a dusty road

Through agony we seek them

Like birds escaping from the cold

wow

What happened? I used to be able to pump out shit like no tomorrow. I haven't even started this essay and I've already been here for about two hours. I am so incredibly frustrated. Is this all just because I'm not going to grad school? I've suddenly gone backwards into the mentality that I used to have before I made this decision. Unmotivated and ultimate lacking in confidence.

As seen by the fact that I'm back here-the-fuck-again. I'm just angry. But angry wont get me anywhere. Only I can do this, unfortunately.

Later.

revival

My period's been heavier than usual, which has left me weak and moody. But in light of this, I just thought, I have been given something that I've been longing for recently - emotion. Sometimes I get so annoyed at how dead everyone is. No one wants to feel passionately anymore or find emotion in the cosmos in the light and shadows on a lazy afternoon. It's too uncomfortable, too wearisome, to feel until your heart explodes; and also, to feel someone else's. My emotions have always been a burden to people, and thank you Pill for providing me with a plug for them.
Thank you, thank you thank you thank you thank you
For relieving me of a burden so great that in order to relieve myself I had to write and write and write, moving my heart and writing the ink on white the black on blank until my eyes teared up and the wind was blowing, blowing over the snow picking up a mist of snow a mist a mist of hazy white and
And now I am dry. Thank you for that plug so that everything is held tantalizingly back, just out of reach.
It's just barely, now, though, this moodiness has only opened up the plug a tiny little, so that even now I can see from outside of myself and watch with stillness. I like it though, I like it, to be able to stand with the sun at my back and look on with the stillness of a mountain. Or a volcano. Oh you wise mountain with a treasure of lava just waiting to explode out onto the world. Burn burn burn it, make it FEEL! Make it cry your tears and explode into flames into ecstasy into everything we've all ever wanted...
Well my crazy is done for now. I forgot what I wanted to say, but perhaps this all was it all along.

Good Student

My plan was to be one - and I am determined to do it! Whether hungry, lazy, sick or tired. And that's that.

Exhausted

Well, I'm supposed to be getting my you-know-what today, although it hasn't come yet... Reassuringly, I have the symptoms; ex. moodiness and a sudden need for a jar of Nutella and a spoon.

But man, has my motivation plummeted. I have been like, doing homework rigorously. I have amazed myself! (Of course I still fall behind, and, perhaps it's only "rigorous" in contrast to my former habits).

Anyway... all I'm doing is ranting. I'm going to try and do my essay, although I feel BLAHHH!!!

Looking Down

If I think about the past...
I can just stand and wonder at the person I used to be.
There was so much feeling, liveliness, which now is spent with moments of silence, staring into the distance as if waiting for something.
How do I describe what I feel now, when my insides are motionless? When I feel pressed on the edge of something, not sure where to turn?
Where are those warm summer days? And even, those inspired winters?
If I can't be who I was, perhaps it's time to be something else.
And yet still, I find myself drawn to those impassioned feelings. I want to capture those moments which hang at the edges of realty. With a certain glance, a careful consideration, the possibility of inspiration can be accessed; a window to the world that is not exactly this world.
Even these words feel dead; like dry leaves on a winter's sidewalk.