My period's been heavier than usual, which has left me weak and moody. But in light of this, I just thought, I have been given something that I've been longing for recently - emotion. Sometimes I get so annoyed at how dead everyone is. No one wants to feel passionately anymore or find emotion in the cosmos in the light and shadows on a lazy afternoon. It's too uncomfortable, too wearisome, to feel until your heart explodes; and also, to feel someone else's. My emotions have always been a burden to people, and thank you Pill for providing me with a plug for them.
Thank you, thank you thank you thank you thank you
For relieving me of a burden so great that in order to relieve myself I had to write and write and write, moving my heart and writing the ink on white the black on blank until my eyes teared up and the wind was blowing, blowing over the snow picking up a mist of snow a mist a mist of hazy white and
And now I am dry. Thank you for that plug so that everything is held tantalizingly back, just out of reach.
It's just barely, now, though, this moodiness has only opened up the plug a tiny little, so that even now I can see from outside of myself and watch with stillness. I like it though, I like it, to be able to stand with the sun at my back and look on with the stillness of a mountain. Or a volcano. Oh you wise mountain with a treasure of lava just waiting to explode out onto the world. Burn burn burn it, make it FEEL! Make it cry your tears and explode into flames into ecstasy into everything we've all ever wanted...
Well my crazy is done for now. I forgot what I wanted to say, but perhaps this all was it all along.
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Looking Down
If I think about the past...
I can just stand and wonder at the person I used to be.
There was so much feeling, liveliness, which now is spent with moments of silence, staring into the distance as if waiting for something.
How do I describe what I feel now, when my insides are motionless? When I feel pressed on the edge of something, not sure where to turn?
Where are those warm summer days? And even, those inspired winters?
If I can't be who I was, perhaps it's time to be something else.
And yet still, I find myself drawn to those impassioned feelings. I want to capture those moments which hang at the edges of realty. With a certain glance, a careful consideration, the possibility of inspiration can be accessed; a window to the world that is not exactly this world.
Even these words feel dead; like dry leaves on a winter's sidewalk.
I can just stand and wonder at the person I used to be.
There was so much feeling, liveliness, which now is spent with moments of silence, staring into the distance as if waiting for something.
How do I describe what I feel now, when my insides are motionless? When I feel pressed on the edge of something, not sure where to turn?
Where are those warm summer days? And even, those inspired winters?
If I can't be who I was, perhaps it's time to be something else.
And yet still, I find myself drawn to those impassioned feelings. I want to capture those moments which hang at the edges of realty. With a certain glance, a careful consideration, the possibility of inspiration can be accessed; a window to the world that is not exactly this world.
Even these words feel dead; like dry leaves on a winter's sidewalk.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tidal Wave
I can feel the pressure building up over my shoulders. Streesss. It's going to be even worse cause I'm pmsing and I'm going to have my period when I have my two exams and my essay. But somehow I always pull through right? Somehow I always pull through...
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Med Essay: Update
Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.
Oh.shit.
Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.
Wow.
HUNGRY.
Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.
O_O
Oh.shit.
Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.
Wow.
HUNGRY.
Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.
O_O
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Kiss x Kiss
(title not at all related to this post)
Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.
I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.
Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.
Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.
I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.
Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Ugly
Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
It must be fresh...
--I was smoking a precious cigg, watching as the smoke flew helplessly upwards, heavy, as if burdened by the cold. It was freezing, the earth stood still under a blazing sun whose heat failed to reach out and touch with warmth those dwelling beneath it. Only some privileged few were able to experience it in the South, way South, near the equator. Hands shaking, I imagined fantastical tropical beaches, like the ones you used to see in commercials, and then naked people dancing underneath the Sun – because, after all, who cared about PIGs when it was warm? To just be warm…I thought, was all I wanted, even if I knew it’d do me no good.
--We were waiting for Anthony, whom, like the Sun, shone his special sunlight onto people more privileged, or perhaps, more worth his time. I didn’t care, or really know; I had a feeling that if I had met Anthony without Tory…that if I had let her die that day back then that he would have probably liked me better. Even if I don’t think I would have liked him. And the Sun would shine on me; I would sit in with the others around a fire, drink, and tell stories…
--Instead I was freezing outside on what I had heard Carter’s people call a Decepsun day, trying not to stare into Tory’s blindfold hoping for some response. But I couldn't help it, I couldn’t help but shake and suck on my cigg and watch Tory from the corner of my eyes hoping to see a smile, a tint of emotion. She was like a frozen torch, her lit up hair stagnant on the tip of layers of brown and green, mismatched clothes. I myself preferred black, leather especially, even if I was a little cold; or a lot cold.
--Her chapped lips opened. “Here he comes,” she mumbled for my sake, but I caught the grin on the tips of her lips. I nodded, knowing, damn, that she couldn’t see it, and waited for another minute or two before the door swung open and out stepped another that preferred black. But he dressed warm, prepared for even just this little private meeting; a familiar black scarf wrapped around his neck. Only thing that got me curious was the addition of a backpack that looked packed and ready to go.
--“Good morning,” he said in his usual, formal-ass tone.
--“Sup’,” I replied with a nod of the head.
--“Good morning,” Tory mumbled dutifully.
--“I will cut to the chase because it’s cold. I’m doing something a little different today – it’s going to be like before. Not Before. I mean before everyone else got here. I’m going to go out with you two to see personally how Tory is progressing.”
I couldn’t help but cock a brow and loosen my hold on my cigg. “I’m sorry, so, you’re leaving the school to them?”
--Anthony smoothly replied, “You don’t trust them?”
--Maybe. “No, you can never trust anyone, but, it’s your choice, man.”
--There was a moment of silence where I’m very sure Anthony was contemplating his decision. But he nodded, as if it was the thing to do, and turned to knock on the heavy school doors twice. There was movement and loud creaking – the doors were locked up tight. The noises had sent goose bumps over my skin, and for a brief awfully frightening moment I thought of long brown-black hair and amber, almost devilish eyes. Tamiko – would she cause any trouble? But I checked myself, knowing that she could make it happen with or without Anthony there to stop her. As we turned to go, though, I couldn’t help looking back at the face of the school, taking another long puff of my cigg. Why was I so anxious? My skin tingled when I thought again of her smile, hidden by the cold concrete of the school. Shrugging my shoulders as if pushing off the feeling, I looked forward into the Decepsun day, the blue sky familiar in its harshness. If I never saw her again, I thought, it would be for the best; she was a dangerous and unnecessary distraction.
--We were waiting for Anthony, whom, like the Sun, shone his special sunlight onto people more privileged, or perhaps, more worth his time. I didn’t care, or really know; I had a feeling that if I had met Anthony without Tory…that if I had let her die that day back then that he would have probably liked me better. Even if I don’t think I would have liked him. And the Sun would shine on me; I would sit in with the others around a fire, drink, and tell stories…
--Instead I was freezing outside on what I had heard Carter’s people call a Decepsun day, trying not to stare into Tory’s blindfold hoping for some response. But I couldn't help it, I couldn’t help but shake and suck on my cigg and watch Tory from the corner of my eyes hoping to see a smile, a tint of emotion. She was like a frozen torch, her lit up hair stagnant on the tip of layers of brown and green, mismatched clothes. I myself preferred black, leather especially, even if I was a little cold; or a lot cold.
--Her chapped lips opened. “Here he comes,” she mumbled for my sake, but I caught the grin on the tips of her lips. I nodded, knowing, damn, that she couldn’t see it, and waited for another minute or two before the door swung open and out stepped another that preferred black. But he dressed warm, prepared for even just this little private meeting; a familiar black scarf wrapped around his neck. Only thing that got me curious was the addition of a backpack that looked packed and ready to go.
--“Good morning,” he said in his usual, formal-ass tone.
--“Sup’,” I replied with a nod of the head.
--“Good morning,” Tory mumbled dutifully.
--“I will cut to the chase because it’s cold. I’m doing something a little different today – it’s going to be like before. Not Before. I mean before everyone else got here. I’m going to go out with you two to see personally how Tory is progressing.”
I couldn’t help but cock a brow and loosen my hold on my cigg. “I’m sorry, so, you’re leaving the school to them?”
--Anthony smoothly replied, “You don’t trust them?”
--Maybe. “No, you can never trust anyone, but, it’s your choice, man.”
--There was a moment of silence where I’m very sure Anthony was contemplating his decision. But he nodded, as if it was the thing to do, and turned to knock on the heavy school doors twice. There was movement and loud creaking – the doors were locked up tight. The noises had sent goose bumps over my skin, and for a brief awfully frightening moment I thought of long brown-black hair and amber, almost devilish eyes. Tamiko – would she cause any trouble? But I checked myself, knowing that she could make it happen with or without Anthony there to stop her. As we turned to go, though, I couldn’t help looking back at the face of the school, taking another long puff of my cigg. Why was I so anxious? My skin tingled when I thought again of her smile, hidden by the cold concrete of the school. Shrugging my shoulders as if pushing off the feeling, I looked forward into the Decepsun day, the blue sky familiar in its harshness. If I never saw her again, I thought, it would be for the best; she was a dangerous and unnecessary distraction.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Wow
I just saw this tab called "stats" and apparently it shows you the number of page views you receive -- even shows from which countries people are viewing from, including the browsers and operating system.
Wow.
And apparently, most of my viewer ship comes from the US?? Then it's the United Kingdom, then...Canada. Not sure...what to think now. I assume though that it's like, randos dropping by as they click "random blog" or whatever. But what does this mean...?
The post that apparently got more than 100 page views was one about summer clothes...mmm Summer. How I miss you so.
So to all my American audience...STFU!! Haha joking - ? But no, thanks to all my fans!!! *waves in front of no one*...
Silence, darkness, an expansive gulf that stares right back at you...
Wow.
And apparently, most of my viewer ship comes from the US?? Then it's the United Kingdom, then...Canada. Not sure...what to think now. I assume though that it's like, randos dropping by as they click "random blog" or whatever. But what does this mean...?
The post that apparently got more than 100 page views was one about summer clothes...mmm Summer. How I miss you so.
So to all my American audience...STFU!! Haha joking - ? But no, thanks to all my fans!!! *waves in front of no one*...
Silence, darkness, an expansive gulf that stares right back at you...
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Really
hating school right now. And that's all I ever bitch about here...but it's because I'm usually doing research or typing something up, and getting annoyed, and need somewhere to vent (easy access viola). I know I always pull through someone - HOW? HOW??? But I am so angry before that, just like, why prof, why? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? -eye twitch-. I need to get GOING on grad school like ASAPEWR{Q@E$~!#. ...Sorry. Unnecessary anger that's for sure.
Stupid reading responses, they should all be like, oh I thought this and that. But noooouuu I need to "engage" in the text. =( Blah!! Blah! Engggaage....I haven't READ the text.
oh laughter. oh lawls.
Stupid reading responses, they should all be like, oh I thought this and that. But noooouuu I need to "engage" in the text. =( Blah!! Blah! Engggaage....I haven't READ the text.
oh laughter. oh lawls.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Another Essay Rant
I just needed somewhere to go WTF!!! I mean...I *GET* everything he's saying...but he's saying SO MUCH! There's too much information and I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing about here.
I guess I should just...begin? See how it goes? I don't know....
A suspicion of meta-narratives...
The loss of transcendence...
I should use WiiFit.
I guess I should just...begin? See how it goes? I don't know....
A suspicion of meta-narratives...
The loss of transcendence...
I should use WiiFit.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Untilted Because
I have too much to say and too little room to say it. I can't believe it's true, but it is. I could like, talk about so much and add a trillion quotations, not only primary but secondary. But no...but...no.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
again and for the same reasons
Soooooo this one is hard to start. I'm just not sure where I'm going with it - uninspired, I guess? Perhaps it's because I don't understand the question well enough...I don't know. But I guess at this point i have to just go with it =(..........................sigh
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Thursday, August 13, 2009
stress
ahhhh osap, you and your newly added stress. i should have just went in in person and filled out my app. that way. well, i guess things can happen...parental income verification will be needed...etc
i haven't updated in so long b/c ive been so tired lately...today i feel super tired. tom i have an exam and i -should- be studying atm but...ugh ugh ugh so droswy. well i have the trip to quebec to say for that, but, it is also staying up late...working yesterday, etc.
summer is slipping away. blah blah blah, whine whine. what's new right? i've felt so bitter lately, pessimistic ? no bitter is perhaps better. i am not really expecting - anything -. Everything is exhausting...everything is one day after the other. but right now i feel like im dragging my feet, i guess i gotta keep picking it up until im at full speed again. even if im dragging through life, gotta make the best of it.
got a lot of stuff to take care of. hmm hmm...so uninspired.
doo do do doooooo
people are so exhausting...everythin is so exhausting.
i got nothing inspiring to say. i got nothing to say.
there's the tick tick of the clock and the impassioned bustle of the birds, the bees, the people around me. the sun is roaring and there's laughter, the roar of the lawn mower and the groan of the streets beyond. but me, me im in my mud puddle, im stuck in my own mud, my tears, my grimy feelings. stuck in that dark corner where no one can see me. struggling, squriming - can i get out on time? can i join everyone else in their gaity?
there's nothing. there's just this shell. gotta fill it gotta keep going. gotta roar, gotta laugh gotta cry. gotta be a flame that explodes, that never dies. like a pheonix, like a old, ancient soul.
blind but typing, typing away. tatter, todder, tittle, taddle, daddle. inconsistancy. imcomprhension.
finality.
i haven't updated in so long b/c ive been so tired lately...today i feel super tired. tom i have an exam and i -should- be studying atm but...ugh ugh ugh so droswy. well i have the trip to quebec to say for that, but, it is also staying up late...working yesterday, etc.
summer is slipping away. blah blah blah, whine whine. what's new right? i've felt so bitter lately, pessimistic ? no bitter is perhaps better. i am not really expecting - anything -. Everything is exhausting...everything is one day after the other. but right now i feel like im dragging my feet, i guess i gotta keep picking it up until im at full speed again. even if im dragging through life, gotta make the best of it.
got a lot of stuff to take care of. hmm hmm...so uninspired.
doo do do doooooo
people are so exhausting...everythin is so exhausting.
i got nothing inspiring to say. i got nothing to say.
there's the tick tick of the clock and the impassioned bustle of the birds, the bees, the people around me. the sun is roaring and there's laughter, the roar of the lawn mower and the groan of the streets beyond. but me, me im in my mud puddle, im stuck in my own mud, my tears, my grimy feelings. stuck in that dark corner where no one can see me. struggling, squriming - can i get out on time? can i join everyone else in their gaity?
there's nothing. there's just this shell. gotta fill it gotta keep going. gotta roar, gotta laugh gotta cry. gotta be a flame that explodes, that never dies. like a pheonix, like a old, ancient soul.
blind but typing, typing away. tatter, todder, tittle, taddle, daddle. inconsistancy. imcomprhension.
finality.
Monday, June 8, 2009
no...it had never occurred to me
Even though it was just some passing thought......
....I can't even seem to understand it...but it's overwhelming.....
...What is there then?....
...It just happens like it's supposed to...doesn't it? What can you do? It just is?
It hadn't even occurred to me...
....I can't even seem to understand it...but it's overwhelming.....
...What is there then?....
...It just happens like it's supposed to...doesn't it? What can you do? It just is?
It hadn't even occurred to me...
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