truth

no no! It's not true! I have nothing, don't I? Nothing!

Why am I so self-destructive? What am I doing to myself? If someone told me of this, of me, I'd say "Dude you worry too much. Don't sweat it." But when it comes to me I'm so self-inflicting. There's so many ways to damage ones self and I do it emotionally. I abuse myself!

But this is just evidence that I take it too seriously.

Slacker. No good. Worth nothing.

See see. It pops up again!

Why did you even pay for school if you don't even attend??

I do what I have to do to survive! It's a working system so screw you!

It works but it makes you look bad!

Who cares? What difference will it make? I expect professors to treat me professionally and grade me on what I can dish out not my lack of attendance. That's what participation marks are for! I can't help it if I'm a genius that doesn't need to go to class. PSHHHAA!

Anyway this is me being more eccentric rather than having a mental break down. I just need my latter voice to speak up more. Otherwise, the self-destructive one is there.

The point is survival.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

That was a horrible "ahhh"...not very heart felt. Have I mentioned that I HATE doing research? I believe I have. I hold the "seeds" of an interesting essay but I can't bring myself to tend and grow them. It's so much WORK. Doesn't that sound lazy? Like really lazy? I don't know if that is really the issue here. Perhaps a small part...thinking about all the work. That's not really IT though. I feel like I step in one direction and I want to back track and explore the other direction. And before I know it I've explored so many different directions that I've run out of time.

"Just write!" someone screams, "add the details later!"

But but but but BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

What. That is the huge question there. It's not that I can write one thing but it's writing 8 pages of things while tossing in quotes here and there that gets me. Omfg. Hyeah. I'm panicking!! ARGHH. WAHZ. No, it's not like it's due tomorrow. Oh my god I'm so proud of myself for that. But still...can I will, I? Can I will myself to?

It's all almost over. Then exams. Then summer school. Then rinse, repeat cycle. So not really almost over. I'm an eternal student. In fact, I can't imagine myself NOT being in school. What will I do when I'm not in school? I like learning...actually. I like learning about English...stuff. Even though I'm prob not the best for this crap...

Sigh what am I doing. I haven't even hit a wall yet because I haven't started. :< .........................Sometimes I feel like. It all amounts to nothing. Sometimes, it makes me sad. Other times, I sit on my couch next to kitty and I feel so comfortable and warm and don't care that I'll never accomplish anything.

I'm talented. So what?

hello there

Well, the time has come. An 8 page paper, and there's more to come. So, surprised? Here I am!! Just to..complain and waste time. Wah. Wah wah. Well I did this to myself didn't I?

Hmmz...well got nothing to say.......

dunno

Don't know why I'm writing here. Still wish I could find my diary, but it's stacked in a box....blah blah.

I've been feeling so apathetic lately, and have lost touch with the world. If I get emails or messages or w/e, I don't really respond anymore. Even though I should, even though I know I should.

I guess really I'm just sick...and it's hard to keep track and email people. I just want to sleep. I've been so moody/cranky lately. I guess b/c I'm getting antsy and I want to be able to go to school. Yeah I actually do. I'm feeling so much anxiety because I don;t know where I stand and I don't know if I'll make it this semester.

Anyway what does it matter. Gotta finish a presentation for tomorrow.