emptiness

Right now I am trying to cry. I know it's weird, why would I want to cry? But I should because...of this and that...and yet I can't bring myself to. At 4am last night, I felt so passionate about a lot of things that my heart swelled with happiness. Now I feel like a log, a tired log, and I don't want to sleep with my heart feeling this empty.

Goodnight
Goodnight

Two matching, boring phrases accompanied by sad faces.

Argh, there is just this, now, and the future is a hazy grey of uncertainty. To say stupid things like, "I want to spend every day with you" seems so impossibly hard. Where are we going? What kind of path will this put us on? I have so many regrets...I don't know where to begin.

And mainly I wonder, what happened to that girl who used to feel so passionate about so many things? Is this what being old is like? Suddenly you're too tired to feel a blazing heart, and everything becomes monotonous.

Between work and those empty spaces that define us, even now I find myself wishing you would place your hand on my cheek for just a little longer. A long time ago, when you used to walk away I would cry after you left, but now I merely move on. I think this feeling came over you long ago, or maybe you were always like this, because it's so rare I see you overly sad from missing me.

There are so many simple things that send tears down my cheeks while writing. Especially thinking about the fact that you will not even read this.

Here...in this purple abyss, I'm thinking about your eyes, your smile, your bushy chin. I'm trying to remember what it felt like to hold your hand only hours ago. I'm wishing I could make you laugh just one more time today...

But there is just here, now, and the hardships will only increase. Saying these desperate things are pointless...crying and writing to a wall of purple while you sleep empty of dreams.

Sometimes I think without meaning to, that it'd be nice to see how much you miss me...instead of just hearing those words I've heard a million times for 5 yrs now...

"i miss you"

maybe instead i'd like it to be "i miss you so much i could cry"

some random wish i just had...was to go ice skating with you. just the two of us...wouldn't that be nice...

goodnight, and don't worry, whoever does read this, because I wanted to feel this sad, this passionate about something. and i succeeded, and in some odd way, i'm happy.