father's day

It feels nice just to sit around with the family, even though I've been sick. Today was a really nice day for a long while, even though now it's grown cloudy and dark. I guess when it's humid it's safe to assume that it's going to rain.

Phew I'm boiling hot right now...not sure if it's that humidity or if it's a fever. Doh.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doc's, not because I think I need to but because I think I might need a note. My workplace has kinda been coming down on my ass *politely* about how I apparently take too much time off. What I don't get is that they are always cutting hours so why do they care so much...? Unless it's because they are angry that someone else coulda taken the shift - I don't know. What I do know is my *body* and I know when I get sick, I need time to rest. It's exactly the reason that I forced myself into work that I got more sick when I was feeling better - I could just tell.

Sigh whatever, I just keep telling myself if work fires you, it'll be politely, and besides they can't fire you for being sick just probably shift you less...Yeah.

Money has been tight but what's new? We knew this would happen and we overspent in the past. Yeah it's okay....yeah I think it is.

I've been thinking about friendship, recently, and I think I've shed a new skin of my childhood. I am too loyal to my closest friends, I choose to be nicest to them, to devote myself to them. Yeah, basically, immense loyalty. A person has to win that loyalty, too, and time is a long test. Recently I discovered that time wasn't enough, though, and that a life-long friendship can be compromised. I don't even mind talking about it here b/c I know she will never read this. She never has - I'm not saying that says something...well, maybe I am.

Maybe I am learning that beyond Keane there is nothing. There is the vast world and everyone is occupied within their own mini-worlds. Where is *my* world - a world that is solely my own? I'm not sure, it's probably here but I just need to grow it. I'm learning, I think.

I'm not bitter, I am...remote, and there is this little bit of passion burning within. I can't help it, I think I will always be a passionate person. But now I see that my devotion comes with heavy prices, even though all my life I've been proven that friendships are weak. People can drift.

I am not 100% devoid of my loyalty. This may sound corny, but there are still a couple of people that I still believe in, and I'm sure you know who you are. I just...am more aware now.

Memories of the past keep surfacing. Summer days with the buzz of bugs and the tall, wavy grass. Children laughing and sweating as they crawl through it. Later on, they'll be itchy but it was fun and it was magical, in its own way.

This is me being melodramatic, isn't it?

No, I don't care if it is. I'm an artist, goddammit, and the difference between other people and artists is that we dare to feel even if it hurts, even if it pushes us to the edge. We capture those feelings - we capture the intensity.

Yes, instead of being angry - be charming!!! Haha...Why be angry at myself for the way I am? I admit, if I let myself go 100% I would be WAY too impulsive and way too overemotional, but I don't. I'm my father's daughter just as much as my mother's. If my mom acts on pure impusle then my dad is the complete opposite. I take from both, I'm sure. And then there's the little bit that's soley me.

What is confidence? It's the ability to say "I can see these things about myself that are good, and if others can't see it, that's their problem. I will try my best, but that doesn't mean I'll comprimise my belief in myself."

I am learning.

I've been reading finally for leisure and I love it. (It's the Assassin one - I keep forgetting the title). And yeah, I must say it's been inspiring me as if filling up an empty jug of water. I don't know why reading other stuff inspires me, but it just does - it puts me into narrative mode. lol.

Yeah, completely, I feel more like myself after reading. I don't know why - who is that self, I don't know. It's like saying hello to a person I've never met before, but knowing them, recognizing them as if I've known they were always there. It's hard to explain...but basically it is giving me strength and I'm not sure why. Maybe it puts my mind at ease, or it makes me think...

"Shit I can write better than this - what the hell!"

Haha, and that gives me hope? I'm not sure. This particular story has got me thinking about the doc. called "Kobin" - the one about the Tower Witch. I like that one a lot.

Anyway I'm rambling...but I feel older now which is ironic because I wanted to feel younger. Oh...I wish I wasn't so sick, I'd try to get so much more done but it's like I've been on hiatus.

Well I'm done and left to do I'm not sure what cause I'm sick. OooohHH Well.

See ya'll