when the shit hits the fan...

...it happens all at once, not in increments.

Sometimes I tell myself - I'm being tested, I must be?

I feel like I am struggling to hold onto everything yet it's tearing away and all I can hold together are scraps. Yeah just like my mom said, "What can you do? That's life, just gotta hold your head up high."

Peaches almost died yesterday, I'm not going to hide it because I don't want to. Maybe I can go back and remember this, since I don't know the exact date Toby died. But Peaches is not out of the clear, she may die over the next few days, and even after. Her hip was dislocated and since we can't afford the surgery they just popped it back in, but there's no guarantee that it'll stay there. Already we spent 1000$ on just getting her there and getting it popped back in. There's no way we can afford the rest.

And then it's funny that small things kinda push you too far. Now I've discovered that someone might not be taking my shift tomorrow morning even though they said they would, and it's my responsibility because I didn't tell a manager. But I was too goddamn busy with -life- and all the shit that hit the fan that I wasn't thinking about some Sunday morning shift.

Whatever...I guess if I have to I will do the fucking shift...I need the money anyway.

Atm I am supposed to be getting ready for Betty's party. I feel tired. I feel drained. I feel like the summer heat is far away from me.

I remember swaying grass and the buzz of summer bugs. The trees move with the wind and birds chip from within their branches. It is warm and I'm sweating a little, but for the most part, I am at peace.

My childhood - I had no clue what pain or troubles are. I feel like even now, though, I still can't imagine how far pain can go.

Sometimes, though, I can't breathe and I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there. But I wont, I just wont.

I guess there's nothing more to say.