To Be Wise

Even though it's late, I should at least try to start my essay.

So where's the inspirational words?

Got none. Jesus...

3 essays due. 2 on tues. 1 on wed.


....hmmm...

Sudden Asperations.

Not sure if I'm using the word wrong, but, to say, I am aspiring towards something!! That's what I'm trying for. Recently I've felt like I've been going through a depression, and just now, miraculously (??wtf is my word check??) I feel like I am coming out of it - or rather, aspiring to come out of it. I feel happy. And I know it's strange, but I haven't felt happy in a long time. I feel like, without realizing it, I have begun to stretch out my world. I used to be so gloomy thinking about how my life is so one-dimensional; I used to stress over meeting new people, making new friends, and even dating other guys. Now though, after shutting down those thoughts, I've been finding happiness in what I have rather than what I don't. And being comfortable with that I've rediscovered the things I already have. Kinda like yesterday, I went through all my old clothes and realized - I don't need any new clothes, the ones I already have are perfect! And there was a sudden newness to them too, like their potentional hasn't been fully explored yet. I've started to feel this way about other aspects of my life, especially when it comes to people I just casually know.

It's a good feeling. I hope that by writing this I don't forget, and also, I feel like just by writing, just now, I've discovered these things about myself. Yes, it's good. =) Really cool.

I'm looking forward to my birthday...I just hope that, not only 5 people show up and I get hurt. I just flashback to the Indigo thing and well yeah. Point is to not care right?? Haha, well I don't care as much as I think I will an hour before going. Ah well, what can you do?

Anyway that's depressing stuff! Happy. Happy. lol 15 people are already saying they're going, that's a lot!!

Arghh Essay to write...later

in over my head

Umm...what happened? I thought I had a lot to write? This thing is supposed to be 2500 words long (7-9 pgs ish) and I thought I had it in the bag...but now I'm on page 4 and I've miracously run out of steam? For the first time in forever I feel like I'm writing a *scholarly* essay, like, something that is NOT BS. Wow I know, right? And yet...here I am, running out of things to say. Class starts in 15 mins and there's no possible way I'll make it. It is suddenly dawning on me that I have failed to meet a deadline.

Hm..............Although not entirely bad, I'm amazed at how I failed to put it all into perspective. So much work has gone into what I have so far and yet it's only amounted to being done half the essay. I've seriously taken for granted the power of BS. BS could easily fill 7 pages instead of REAL research. Jesus. Less work too.

What the hell am I doing...plus I have work tonight. I called in just to double check and my manager answered, as soon as I told her who it was her voice suddenly lost all warmth and cheerfulness. THANKS! I guess she figured I was going to call in sick...just checking on my shift!!!

Sooo now what do I do? Knowing I've missed the deadline do I suddenly pull the reigns and chill out...OR do I maniacally (< is this a word?) rush to finish and somehow make it to class just before it ends?!?!?!??!?!

Hmmmm....

was doing good

Impressively, I wasn't freaking out about my 2500 word essay due tomorrow until about a minute ago. I myself am surprised about how quickly I cracked. Having completed the introduction I made my way over to K who was watching a movie, "Across the Universe", with T, and showed him my intro, being pretty proud of it. After looking over it I asked them if they were ready to play some Beatles Rock Band since the movie was over, and the reply I got from K was, "But you're not done your essay." He has been jabbing at me about it all night, and at first I dealt with it pretty okay, although it was getting annoying, because I knew he was joking. This time something snapped in me and I let him know straight out that I was getting tired of it. He apologized to me and said he was joking, but it's at a point where it's not funny anymore. Now the pressure on my back is there, my palms are sweaty and my stomach is knotted: I'm stressed. And honestly, I'm less stressed by the idea that the essay is due tomorrow than I am by the constant nagging about it, like when my mother kept insisting that I finish up all the packing. Being quite aware of my responsibilites, and having, throughout my life, relied fully on myself when it comes to due dates, I find outside pressures too much to handle in part because they are pointless and also because I find them to be criticisms: only I am allowed to criticize myself.

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to play and take a break. I just mumbled and left. It further annoys me that he asks me, when I had just asked him. It's like he's taking the power away from me, or something. As if I can only work on his suggestions: do your essay?, play rock band with us?.

I'm mad, and even madder that he is just sitting in that room as if nothing happened.

Jerkface.

I think I'll be a lot less mad about this later but for now I am completely turned off from this stupid essay....

Freaking out!!

Self-explainitory. STUPID SCHOOL!

s-t-r-e-s-s

It boils down in me but expression of it is hard to come by. It flares up and dies quickly, getting lost in the throat. Your fists clench and you find yourself about to burst out about how unfair it all is...but then you stop. Being this old you know there is really no use complaining. Your steps hit the pavement with a heavy motion, slow, like someone being dragged forward against their will. There is silence. You and your comrade are lost in your own thoughts, both worried about separate things. You both understand the silence. There is nothing more to be said.

Now

All I hear is the slow heart beat -
The restless death of what can, what would,
What Could Never Be.
The stiffling cries of someone who bleeds,
Of something that struggles for air,
Lives inside me.
It can't grow without sun light,
It can't find a route of expression.
I'm dying here, slowly,
Like a wild rose trapped in the shade.
Unless these words come out,
Unless these leaves stretch out,
Into the sunshine and sweet rays,
I ain't got no fighting chance.
Find me a passage for expression,
Find me a way to sing my heart to life.
Because if I don't, even if I don't cry,
Just once -
I just may die.