"I wish you success with all my heart"

It was in those words and the thoughts they expressed that she realized she had lost something terribly profound, something that had barely grown to its fullest potential and that she would never be able to obtain again.

when the shit hits the fan...

...it happens all at once, not in increments.

Sometimes I tell myself - I'm being tested, I must be?

I feel like I am struggling to hold onto everything yet it's tearing away and all I can hold together are scraps. Yeah just like my mom said, "What can you do? That's life, just gotta hold your head up high."

Peaches almost died yesterday, I'm not going to hide it because I don't want to. Maybe I can go back and remember this, since I don't know the exact date Toby died. But Peaches is not out of the clear, she may die over the next few days, and even after. Her hip was dislocated and since we can't afford the surgery they just popped it back in, but there's no guarantee that it'll stay there. Already we spent 1000$ on just getting her there and getting it popped back in. There's no way we can afford the rest.

And then it's funny that small things kinda push you too far. Now I've discovered that someone might not be taking my shift tomorrow morning even though they said they would, and it's my responsibility because I didn't tell a manager. But I was too goddamn busy with -life- and all the shit that hit the fan that I wasn't thinking about some Sunday morning shift.

Whatever...I guess if I have to I will do the fucking shift...I need the money anyway.

Atm I am supposed to be getting ready for Betty's party. I feel tired. I feel drained. I feel like the summer heat is far away from me.

I remember swaying grass and the buzz of summer bugs. The trees move with the wind and birds chip from within their branches. It is warm and I'm sweating a little, but for the most part, I am at peace.

My childhood - I had no clue what pain or troubles are. I feel like even now, though, I still can't imagine how far pain can go.

Sometimes, though, I can't breathe and I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there. But I wont, I just wont.

I guess there's nothing more to say.

father's day

It feels nice just to sit around with the family, even though I've been sick. Today was a really nice day for a long while, even though now it's grown cloudy and dark. I guess when it's humid it's safe to assume that it's going to rain.

Phew I'm boiling hot right now...not sure if it's that humidity or if it's a fever. Doh.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doc's, not because I think I need to but because I think I might need a note. My workplace has kinda been coming down on my ass *politely* about how I apparently take too much time off. What I don't get is that they are always cutting hours so why do they care so much...? Unless it's because they are angry that someone else coulda taken the shift - I don't know. What I do know is my *body* and I know when I get sick, I need time to rest. It's exactly the reason that I forced myself into work that I got more sick when I was feeling better - I could just tell.

Sigh whatever, I just keep telling myself if work fires you, it'll be politely, and besides they can't fire you for being sick just probably shift you less...Yeah.

Money has been tight but what's new? We knew this would happen and we overspent in the past. Yeah it's okay....yeah I think it is.

I've been thinking about friendship, recently, and I think I've shed a new skin of my childhood. I am too loyal to my closest friends, I choose to be nicest to them, to devote myself to them. Yeah, basically, immense loyalty. A person has to win that loyalty, too, and time is a long test. Recently I discovered that time wasn't enough, though, and that a life-long friendship can be compromised. I don't even mind talking about it here b/c I know she will never read this. She never has - I'm not saying that says something...well, maybe I am.

Maybe I am learning that beyond Keane there is nothing. There is the vast world and everyone is occupied within their own mini-worlds. Where is *my* world - a world that is solely my own? I'm not sure, it's probably here but I just need to grow it. I'm learning, I think.

I'm not bitter, I am...remote, and there is this little bit of passion burning within. I can't help it, I think I will always be a passionate person. But now I see that my devotion comes with heavy prices, even though all my life I've been proven that friendships are weak. People can drift.

I am not 100% devoid of my loyalty. This may sound corny, but there are still a couple of people that I still believe in, and I'm sure you know who you are. I just...am more aware now.

Memories of the past keep surfacing. Summer days with the buzz of bugs and the tall, wavy grass. Children laughing and sweating as they crawl through it. Later on, they'll be itchy but it was fun and it was magical, in its own way.

This is me being melodramatic, isn't it?

No, I don't care if it is. I'm an artist, goddammit, and the difference between other people and artists is that we dare to feel even if it hurts, even if it pushes us to the edge. We capture those feelings - we capture the intensity.

Yes, instead of being angry - be charming!!! Haha...Why be angry at myself for the way I am? I admit, if I let myself go 100% I would be WAY too impulsive and way too overemotional, but I don't. I'm my father's daughter just as much as my mother's. If my mom acts on pure impusle then my dad is the complete opposite. I take from both, I'm sure. And then there's the little bit that's soley me.

What is confidence? It's the ability to say "I can see these things about myself that are good, and if others can't see it, that's their problem. I will try my best, but that doesn't mean I'll comprimise my belief in myself."

I am learning.

I've been reading finally for leisure and I love it. (It's the Assassin one - I keep forgetting the title). And yeah, I must say it's been inspiring me as if filling up an empty jug of water. I don't know why reading other stuff inspires me, but it just does - it puts me into narrative mode. lol.

Yeah, completely, I feel more like myself after reading. I don't know why - who is that self, I don't know. It's like saying hello to a person I've never met before, but knowing them, recognizing them as if I've known they were always there. It's hard to explain...but basically it is giving me strength and I'm not sure why. Maybe it puts my mind at ease, or it makes me think...

"Shit I can write better than this - what the hell!"

Haha, and that gives me hope? I'm not sure. This particular story has got me thinking about the doc. called "Kobin" - the one about the Tower Witch. I like that one a lot.

Anyway I'm rambling...but I feel older now which is ironic because I wanted to feel younger. Oh...I wish I wasn't so sick, I'd try to get so much more done but it's like I've been on hiatus.

Well I'm done and left to do I'm not sure what cause I'm sick. OooohHH Well.

See ya'll

a horoscope?!

I know, I just read one today and I fell for the trap. Yeah it did relate to my life a lot, but one thing that especially stood out was that it said, "Don't be angry, be charming." Which is how I think I've been acting - angry, not charming at all. Hopefully I can find time to be charming, and I want to be...but now being sick. Dammit dammit! And without the money from these days of work...sigh.

Maybe I should just move back home...especially if I can't afford to live by myself. I'm just lying, ain't I? I'm just pretending that everything can be okay.

Well...I don't know. Be charming...can I be? I hope so, I do.

I want to wear my summer clothes and I want to go swimming. I want to play the flute.

I want to...

Well, whining is not charming, is it?

I wont apologize, but I'll become stronger and I'll change. I will smile and I'll stop trying to be sad. It's stupid, isn't it? If a person has the capacity to be happy, why wouldn't they? Perhaps that's the biggest lesson I need to learn, that all in all my strength lies in my ability to recognize the things I do wrong and ultimately to do something for them.

Who am I? I don't know. I know I'm still young and that a year, a month, a week, a day...an hour a minute can make the biggest differences in all of us. But either way I will work on it - and towards something. What is that something? It's been allusive to me, but perhaps my problem is that I've been putting too much value on that "something".

I want to be an author. I want to go to teacher's college. And yeah I know that sounds a little ridiculous but I do want to, if it is for such a petty reason as to earn a decent living. I've never been one to measure beyond my capacities - I may not ever write to fullfil a career, but I know I -will- write. I know I will.

Anyway, inspiring? I don't know. Hopefully. I just want to stop being sick so I can earn some goddammed money.

Not angry, charming, not angry, charming.

New Mantra.

At parent's...sick...bored, but it's for the best.

Sorry btw Jade, I was actually really looking forward to Saturday night. I really want the chance to meet new people...but well, I guess seeing off a friend is more important than my own selfish reasons. *and of course I wanted to spend time with you*

Anyway, I said I wouldn't apologize for anything. I will not "sorry" vomit - nonononono.

Needs tos:

-Inquire about summer camp.
-Make a resume to put on file with the school's tutoring thingie.
-Select courses for next term.

AND HOMFG! I actually need to start *reading* all the crap I gotta read for school. Jesus.

Side goals:

-Write, as always.
-Flute?
-Meet new people...*** Change** Somehow....

Feeling sick...I want to email those ppl from the school though and find out where my 50 is....

I'm sick

Of all things I have learned, if it's not one thing, it's another.

Can't I just be sad? Just say it...I am sad.

But ohhh wellies right~! What's *that* going to change?

Okay being sarcastic isn't going to help. Just gotta deal. Just gotta deal.

How to deal?

Something's going to give. Will it be me? Will I crack?

Or will I run away?

Or will I die trying?

Even if you say you're here, you have your limits, don't you?

don't tell me....

...not to give up. don't tell me that shit...just don't...i'm so tired of it...why...i'm so angry...why...where is the sun, the sky? the warmth? why does it rain all the time? can't at least, the weather be agreeable, even if my life isn't?

I thought that doing this, I'd hurt people. But so far I have not even "done" anything...and I have hurt people, I have fucked up royally. I have hurt myself, which is one thing...but to hurt another.

I am alone, I am standing in the abyss. I am suffocating but slowly without struggle. All around me is dust and I can't see everyone through the haze. So far away, I am just cold. Totally cold.

I

You

Why?













Don't you miss the old days?

It is...

...not probable but it is turbulent. My heart is self-destructive. It wreaths in pain and empty tears...capturing my breath...expelling toxic feelings.

At this point in time...

...my body is slightly tilted towards the horizon, wondering at the tranquility of the sky. It is deep and harbours an inexpressible eternity that inspires me with wonder but also melancholy. What exactly does that sun rise to each morning? How does the sky rest peacefully above our heads? It's just there...it lives and breathes in its own capacity, it cares not for the millions of things that bother every single human that wanders in their aimless cycles.

It is the sky in all its glory, and I am slightly leaning to it, wondering what exactly it is that it can teach me - perhaps, that life is there, that empty sky? That all we worry for is naught, all we struggle towards is met in the end with emptiness?

No, it cannot be...the sky is there, and I am here. The sky knows not all my struggles, all my wants and needs, it cannot encompass me, it cannot fathom every fabric of me in the human world. I can wonder at the sky, I can love it and everything it stands for, for even, the fact that it is there. But can the sky love me? Can it wonder at me? No, it can't, and without humanity to wonder at anything...even with all the burdens they bear...then what would be left to wonder, to praise, to love?

I am slightly tilted towards the horizon, and I am wondering at it, a little lost, a little melancholy, but I am still walking forward into something, something real and something that matters to me. For all my worries, for all my smiles, even looking at the sky I am drawn backwards willingly. I can love it all at once, I can take moments to drink the empty sky and moments to cry from a full heart of human passions.

no...it had never occurred to me

Even though it was just some passing thought......

....I can't even seem to understand it...but it's overwhelming.....

...What is there then?....

...It just happens like it's supposed to...doesn't it? What can you do? It just is?

It hadn't even occurred to me...