Kiss x Kiss

(title not at all related to this post)

Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.

I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.

Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.

Ugly

Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.

Wonder

Is my life a succession of un-happy days, marked by happy days? Hmmm...

-.-

Ughhh feeling sooo sick, tired, and grumpy. I have a midterm on Thursday for a class that I've !unintentionally! (I know hard to believe) missed 3 times. I always feel this immense amount of guilt...like especially when I think about how she must think (the prof) must think that I just don't like her class and am skipping out purposefully. She's a nice lady though...but not the best teacher...but that doesn't mean I'd skip just because...

Anyway I've just been feeling heavily anxious. I've quit work and yet still I don't feel like I can catch up. It's just like Ashling was saying last night that you just slop things together never really getting things done properly...and she is a way harder worker than I am! Yet I feel the same, always struggling to juggle everything and know as much as I can know...to me that's half-assing. So now that I've quit, I'm still half-assing? No...I don't know, maybe now I'm only 1/4 half-assing. I do see that I've put somewhat more time/energy into it. I *definitely* haven't missed as much school as I used to. Just last Thursday I came down with something and I haven't been able to shake it off...Comes in waves. Some days good some days bad. Luckily I managed to hand in 2 essays that were due yesterday...Felt so sweet. Wasn't up late into the night freaking out going omfg how am I going to finish this holy shit...No I finished at around 1pm and then spent the rest of the day resting trying to get better...(apparently failing). Just go away stupid almost cold! Doesn't help that I have my period...oh man I'm so sore everywhere.

*Whiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

It must be fresh...

--I was smoking a precious cigg, watching as the smoke flew helplessly upwards, heavy, as if burdened by the cold. It was freezing, the earth stood still under a blazing sun whose heat failed to reach out and touch with warmth those dwelling beneath it. Only some privileged few were able to experience it in the South, way South, near the equator. Hands shaking, I imagined fantastical tropical beaches, like the ones you used to see in commercials, and then naked people dancing underneath the Sun – because, after all, who cared about PIGs when it was warm? To just be warm…I thought, was all I wanted, even if I knew it’d do me no good.
--We were waiting for Anthony, whom, like the Sun, shone his special sunlight onto people more privileged, or perhaps, more worth his time. I didn’t care, or really know; I had a feeling that if I had met Anthony without Tory…that if I had let her die that day back then that he would have probably liked me better. Even if I don’t think I would have liked him. And the Sun would shine on me; I would sit in with the others around a fire, drink, and tell stories…
--Instead I was freezing outside on what I had heard Carter’s people call a Decepsun day, trying not to stare into Tory’s blindfold hoping for some response. But I couldn't help it, I couldn’t help but shake and suck on my cigg and watch Tory from the corner of my eyes hoping to see a smile, a tint of emotion. She was like a frozen torch, her lit up hair stagnant on the tip of layers of brown and green, mismatched clothes. I myself preferred black, leather especially, even if I was a little cold; or a lot cold.
--Her chapped lips opened. “Here he comes,” she mumbled for my sake, but I caught the grin on the tips of her lips. I nodded, knowing, damn, that she couldn’t see it, and waited for another minute or two before the door swung open and out stepped another that preferred black. But he dressed warm, prepared for even just this little private meeting; a familiar black scarf wrapped around his neck. Only thing that got me curious was the addition of a backpack that looked packed and ready to go.
--“Good morning,” he said in his usual, formal-ass tone.
--“Sup’,” I replied with a nod of the head.
--“Good morning,” Tory mumbled dutifully.
--“I will cut to the chase because it’s cold. I’m doing something a little different today – it’s going to be like before. Not Before. I mean before everyone else got here. I’m going to go out with you two to see personally how Tory is progressing.”
I couldn’t help but cock a brow and loosen my hold on my cigg. “I’m sorry, so, you’re leaving the school to them?”
--Anthony smoothly replied, “You don’t trust them?”
--Maybe. “No, you can never trust anyone, but, it’s your choice, man.”
--There was a moment of silence where I’m very sure Anthony was contemplating his decision. But he nodded, as if it was the thing to do, and turned to knock on the heavy school doors twice. There was movement and loud creaking – the doors were locked up tight. The noises had sent goose bumps over my skin, and for a brief awfully frightening moment I thought of long brown-black hair and amber, almost devilish eyes. Tamiko – would she cause any trouble? But I checked myself, knowing that she could make it happen with or without Anthony there to stop her. As we turned to go, though, I couldn’t help looking back at the face of the school, taking another long puff of my cigg. Why was I so anxious? My skin tingled when I thought again of her smile, hidden by the cold concrete of the school. Shrugging my shoulders as if pushing off the feeling, I looked forward into the Decepsun day, the blue sky familiar in its harshness. If I never saw her again, I thought, it would be for the best; she was a dangerous and unnecessary distraction.

Wow

I just saw this tab called "stats" and apparently it shows you the number of page views you receive -- even shows from which countries people are viewing from, including the browsers and operating system.

Wow.

And apparently, most of my viewer ship comes from the US?? Then it's the United Kingdom, then...Canada. Not sure...what to think now. I assume though that it's like, randos dropping by as they click "random blog" or whatever. But what does this mean...?

The post that apparently got more than 100 page views was one about summer clothes...mmm Summer. How I miss you so.

So to all my American audience...STFU!! Haha joking - ? But no, thanks to all my fans!!! *waves in front of no one*...

Silence, darkness, an expansive gulf that stares right back at you...

Really

hating school right now. And that's all I ever bitch about here...but it's because I'm usually doing research or typing something up, and getting annoyed, and need somewhere to vent (easy access viola). I know I always pull through someone - HOW? HOW??? But I am so angry before that, just like, why prof, why? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? -eye twitch-. I need to get GOING on grad school like ASAPEWR{Q@E$~!#. ...Sorry. Unnecessary anger that's for sure.

Stupid reading responses, they should all be like, oh I thought this and that. But noooouuu I need to "engage" in the text. =( Blah!! Blah! Engggaage....I haven't READ the text.

oh laughter. oh lawls.