Okay here I am just yapping away. I haven't started my essay yet. I haven't felt this much resistance to essay writing in a LONG TIME. Last time I did my history essay I was all GO GO GO GO GO GO GO and I made a mad dash for the finish line, just barely making it.
Is it the fact that I finished on time before that I presently am unworried?
Maybe I'm just tired of being so stressed out and depressed. I've been so ill lately, not only physically but mentally. I'm tired of drowning myself in the river. I want to be that free spirited person again who smiled even as the rapids approached. I think I am, it was one decisive moment - it always is. It was like waking up from a dream, or rather...returning after a very long time, as if, someone else was occupying my body before.
Regardless, I don't want others impressions of me to kill me. If anyone thinks I'm lazy, unreliable, and that I wont ever amount to anything then they are welcome to do so. Perhaps it is more to do with my own self-hating personality, and people don't actually think these things about me, but either way I want to be myself. Ashling said to me that it's a good thing I'm more worried, and taking things more seriously; although, I should try to find a balance between both my personalities. I'm not sure I can, but I don't want to start from the stressed out side. I want to start from the "easy going" me and then make my way to a happy medium.
*looks at open air*
Oh yeah I'm supposed to be WRITING...an essay right now? 8 pages you say?..........
Oh it's due tomorrow?
Ha.
I've determined that I think for the first time in my life I'm going to pull off one of those infamous "all nighters". I think I need coffee for that, though...
Anyway, point being that instead of killing myself with worry, I'll find a way and doooo it. Even if it means skipping more of my morning class...
Been hearing them geese. Welcome back, how was California? (lucky bastards)
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