Back

Soo I'm back to bitch about having to write a paper again. I wish I could just easily *write* it, but there's something inside me that's just like cringing at the idea. I don't want to. Plain and simple. No. Don't want to write. Can't make me. It's like I have a five yr old child inside me who refuses to do something.

I'm not five though and I'm aware of this. So even if it's pure fantastic shit I should just do it and shut my trap and not complain right?

I wish I could do rather than just say. But being here doesn't help so off I go...

truth

no no! It's not true! I have nothing, don't I? Nothing!

Why am I so self-destructive? What am I doing to myself? If someone told me of this, of me, I'd say "Dude you worry too much. Don't sweat it." But when it comes to me I'm so self-inflicting. There's so many ways to damage ones self and I do it emotionally. I abuse myself!

But this is just evidence that I take it too seriously.

Slacker. No good. Worth nothing.

See see. It pops up again!

Why did you even pay for school if you don't even attend??

I do what I have to do to survive! It's a working system so screw you!

It works but it makes you look bad!

Who cares? What difference will it make? I expect professors to treat me professionally and grade me on what I can dish out not my lack of attendance. That's what participation marks are for! I can't help it if I'm a genius that doesn't need to go to class. PSHHHAA!

Anyway this is me being more eccentric rather than having a mental break down. I just need my latter voice to speak up more. Otherwise, the self-destructive one is there.

The point is survival.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

That was a horrible "ahhh"...not very heart felt. Have I mentioned that I HATE doing research? I believe I have. I hold the "seeds" of an interesting essay but I can't bring myself to tend and grow them. It's so much WORK. Doesn't that sound lazy? Like really lazy? I don't know if that is really the issue here. Perhaps a small part...thinking about all the work. That's not really IT though. I feel like I step in one direction and I want to back track and explore the other direction. And before I know it I've explored so many different directions that I've run out of time.

"Just write!" someone screams, "add the details later!"

But but but but BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

What. That is the huge question there. It's not that I can write one thing but it's writing 8 pages of things while tossing in quotes here and there that gets me. Omfg. Hyeah. I'm panicking!! ARGHH. WAHZ. No, it's not like it's due tomorrow. Oh my god I'm so proud of myself for that. But still...can I will, I? Can I will myself to?

It's all almost over. Then exams. Then summer school. Then rinse, repeat cycle. So not really almost over. I'm an eternal student. In fact, I can't imagine myself NOT being in school. What will I do when I'm not in school? I like learning...actually. I like learning about English...stuff. Even though I'm prob not the best for this crap...

Sigh what am I doing. I haven't even hit a wall yet because I haven't started. :< .........................Sometimes I feel like. It all amounts to nothing. Sometimes, it makes me sad. Other times, I sit on my couch next to kitty and I feel so comfortable and warm and don't care that I'll never accomplish anything.

I'm talented. So what?

hello there

Well, the time has come. An 8 page paper, and there's more to come. So, surprised? Here I am!! Just to..complain and waste time. Wah. Wah wah. Well I did this to myself didn't I?

Hmmz...well got nothing to say.......

dunno

Don't know why I'm writing here. Still wish I could find my diary, but it's stacked in a box....blah blah.

I've been feeling so apathetic lately, and have lost touch with the world. If I get emails or messages or w/e, I don't really respond anymore. Even though I should, even though I know I should.

I guess really I'm just sick...and it's hard to keep track and email people. I just want to sleep. I've been so moody/cranky lately. I guess b/c I'm getting antsy and I want to be able to go to school. Yeah I actually do. I'm feeling so much anxiety because I don;t know where I stand and I don't know if I'll make it this semester.

Anyway what does it matter. Gotta finish a presentation for tomorrow.

just for this...

Just wanted to write somewhere. Feeling like I've come down with something. =.= Ugh, but otherwise, in good spirits despite having done NOTHING for reading week. Goals for today are to finish my essay...hopefully.

Today am going to a wedding shower tho...but I guess it wont be for long.

A lot of times I wonder about popular culture; sometimes it can be fun but most of the time it disgusts me. For example, at first I was so turned off by Harry Potter, but actually, after seeing the movies (which I know were horrible) I began to see the attraction to it. I know she "ripped off" a lot of genres/people, but, at the same time - don't we all kinda? The presentation was still pretty original, at least for American standards. Also, despite having issues, the stories are enjoyable and not purely smut - there's a lot of thought that goes into it. Despite not really being a "fan" of Harry Potter, I grew to respect and appreciate it.

Versus. Twilight, of course, which I'm sure I don't even need to rant about.

I just don't understand it - things so blatantly bad but raved by many people. I don't know. Perhaps I've become too elitist as an ENG major?

Anyway I gotta get ready for the shower. Later.

Same Old Tune - Eurydice

Forward is the brightest light I have ever seen,
The deepest love I have ever felt.
Each step is one through shrouds of darkness
And every breath my heart pumps one more beat.
Ahead in the horizon is a safe haven,
His back a shelter from the cold.
But oh, when he stops, I freeze within.
When he turns back, his eyes ablaze
With the light from beyond, I
Am caught in that gaze like a image
In a photograph, trapped and consumed,
Thrust back and back into death and
Forever cast into the darkness.

I no longer exist but in his mind.