Med Essay: Update

Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.

Oh.shit.

Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.

Wow.

HUNGRY.

Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.

O_O

In Over My Head

Since I am supposed to submit a 10 page paper writing sample for grad school, I asked one of my profs if I could change our 6-8 page paper due tomorrow into a 10 page one and have her look at if for me so I could use it for grad school.

Well. So. Needless to say I haven't started the paper -- and I'll admit that when I wrote the proposal I was not really thinking *too* hard about my topic. It's been in the back of my mind for a while actually. And well...I only have today to write it. Interesting because I have never written a 10 page essay for any of my English classes so I'm not sure *why* I thought I could do it in a day.

...

Anyway I know what I have to do - get focused. I need to make my topic better, workable. (If I can........) It doesn't help that my 14 page paper is constantly coming into my head, like some foreboding event just on the horizon. But. Gotta stay focused.

URGHHH

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

Justifiability

So just because I want to say this somewhere and to no one in particular...

I know I'm lazy. I'm not sure if it's laziness or something else...well, recently I have been sick so. I guess that counts?

I know I should have done things a lot time ago. I know a lot of times I should be doing things but I don't. I'm not sure if it's being lazy or if it's just being stuck...unmotivated.

That's all I've got.

Kiss x Kiss

(title not at all related to this post)

Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.

I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.

Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.

Ugly

Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.

Wonder

Is my life a succession of un-happy days, marked by happy days? Hmmm...