Well, the time has come. An 8 page paper, and there's more to come. So, surprised? Here I am!! Just to..complain and waste time. Wah. Wah wah. Well I did this to myself didn't I?
Hmmz...well got nothing to say.......
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
dunno
Don't know why I'm writing here. Still wish I could find my diary, but it's stacked in a box....blah blah.
I've been feeling so apathetic lately, and have lost touch with the world. If I get emails or messages or w/e, I don't really respond anymore. Even though I should, even though I know I should.
I guess really I'm just sick...and it's hard to keep track and email people. I just want to sleep. I've been so moody/cranky lately. I guess b/c I'm getting antsy and I want to be able to go to school. Yeah I actually do. I'm feeling so much anxiety because I don;t know where I stand and I don't know if I'll make it this semester.
Anyway what does it matter. Gotta finish a presentation for tomorrow.
I've been feeling so apathetic lately, and have lost touch with the world. If I get emails or messages or w/e, I don't really respond anymore. Even though I should, even though I know I should.
I guess really I'm just sick...and it's hard to keep track and email people. I just want to sleep. I've been so moody/cranky lately. I guess b/c I'm getting antsy and I want to be able to go to school. Yeah I actually do. I'm feeling so much anxiety because I don;t know where I stand and I don't know if I'll make it this semester.
Anyway what does it matter. Gotta finish a presentation for tomorrow.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
just for this...
Just wanted to write somewhere. Feeling like I've come down with something. =.= Ugh, but otherwise, in good spirits despite having done NOTHING for reading week. Goals for today are to finish my essay...hopefully.
Today am going to a wedding shower tho...but I guess it wont be for long.
A lot of times I wonder about popular culture; sometimes it can be fun but most of the time it disgusts me. For example, at first I was so turned off by Harry Potter, but actually, after seeing the movies (which I know were horrible) I began to see the attraction to it. I know she "ripped off" a lot of genres/people, but, at the same time - don't we all kinda? The presentation was still pretty original, at least for American standards. Also, despite having issues, the stories are enjoyable and not purely smut - there's a lot of thought that goes into it. Despite not really being a "fan" of Harry Potter, I grew to respect and appreciate it.
Versus. Twilight, of course, which I'm sure I don't even need to rant about.
I just don't understand it - things so blatantly bad but raved by many people. I don't know. Perhaps I've become too elitist as an ENG major?
Anyway I gotta get ready for the shower. Later.
Today am going to a wedding shower tho...but I guess it wont be for long.
A lot of times I wonder about popular culture; sometimes it can be fun but most of the time it disgusts me. For example, at first I was so turned off by Harry Potter, but actually, after seeing the movies (which I know were horrible) I began to see the attraction to it. I know she "ripped off" a lot of genres/people, but, at the same time - don't we all kinda? The presentation was still pretty original, at least for American standards. Also, despite having issues, the stories are enjoyable and not purely smut - there's a lot of thought that goes into it. Despite not really being a "fan" of Harry Potter, I grew to respect and appreciate it.
Versus. Twilight, of course, which I'm sure I don't even need to rant about.
I just don't understand it - things so blatantly bad but raved by many people. I don't know. Perhaps I've become too elitist as an ENG major?
Anyway I gotta get ready for the shower. Later.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Same Old Tune - Eurydice
Forward is the brightest light I have ever seen,
The deepest love I have ever felt.
Each step is one through shrouds of darkness
And every breath my heart pumps one more beat.
Ahead in the horizon is a safe haven,
His back a shelter from the cold.
But oh, when he stops, I freeze within.
When he turns back, his eyes ablaze
With the light from beyond, I
Am caught in that gaze like a image
In a photograph, trapped and consumed,
Thrust back and back into death and
Forever cast into the darkness.
I no longer exist but in his mind.
The deepest love I have ever felt.
Each step is one through shrouds of darkness
And every breath my heart pumps one more beat.
Ahead in the horizon is a safe haven,
His back a shelter from the cold.
But oh, when he stops, I freeze within.
When he turns back, his eyes ablaze
With the light from beyond, I
Am caught in that gaze like a image
In a photograph, trapped and consumed,
Thrust back and back into death and
Forever cast into the darkness.
I no longer exist but in his mind.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Making a Come Back for the New Year
Hello 2010!
Let's see, right now, I should be preparing presentation notes for my Medieval Lit class at 5pm, but instead, I am here here here!
Just need to scribble down some thoughts. I've been meaning to do my whole "IT'S 2010!!!" thing but I cannot, for the life of me, find my diary.
I say this honestly, it's killing me a little. My dairy is where all my overflowing feelings reside, private feelings that can't sit here on the web. Emotions that need to be pressed with ink into thick, rich paper; immortal paper, I hope.
To me the web isn't immortal. I picture in the future there will be a large scavenger hunt to find precious pieces of digital thought, lost in the endless sea of information that is the Internet. This of course will become necessary in a time where regulations will increase, and a need to delete millions and millions of old information will become essential. Do I want my words to be lost into the abyss? No, I want them firmly imprinted on paper, stuck between pages of a book that I can physically safe-guard with my own two hands.
Where...is my diary? *twitches*
Well, putting that aside, I've been experiencing a spell of -happiness!- broken up with dimming thoughts of anxiety and...mundaneness. I mean now, that's how I'm feeling. What's keeping me bright is this HOLY SHIT good weather. Fabulous weather! I'm sorry England but you guys can SUCK IT! How does it feel? huh? HUH?
All teasing aside, I'm REALLY enjoying this. But I keep feeling the intensely looming presence of Feb., as if there is this snow-cloud looming on the horizon waiting to drop a huge snow-bomb on us. Ugh, paranoia, and yet, according to the commercial world the "winter fashion season" is OUT and spring clothes are in. Since when, really? Isn't it a bit too early to celebrate? Come March, I will still be looking over my shoulder for intense snow fall and -30 degree weather. I can't help it - I'm Torontonian.
As for myself, I feel that 2010 has brought a whole new "me" about. I feel much more sure, much more...confident, in this odd way I've never felt before. It's hard to describe. Perhaps, I'm worrying much? I have more confidence in my abilities? And less and less have I been complaining. One step forward, always, never look back and never try peering too closely into the distance, it'll only trip you up.
I got not much else to say...really, I should be finishing this stuff up.
Been reading 1984 for my Dystopia class, btw. And I gotta say, all this talk of Dystopia has been getting me a little down. Thinking too closely about politics is just so depressing. Let alone about the manipulation of the (un)consciousness by "them" - whose them? - by us, isn't it?
Anyway, I got nothing artistic to "peace out" with. So I'll catch you around.
Peace
Let's see, right now, I should be preparing presentation notes for my Medieval Lit class at 5pm, but instead, I am here here here!
Just need to scribble down some thoughts. I've been meaning to do my whole "IT'S 2010!!!" thing but I cannot, for the life of me, find my diary.
I say this honestly, it's killing me a little. My dairy is where all my overflowing feelings reside, private feelings that can't sit here on the web. Emotions that need to be pressed with ink into thick, rich paper; immortal paper, I hope.
To me the web isn't immortal. I picture in the future there will be a large scavenger hunt to find precious pieces of digital thought, lost in the endless sea of information that is the Internet. This of course will become necessary in a time where regulations will increase, and a need to delete millions and millions of old information will become essential. Do I want my words to be lost into the abyss? No, I want them firmly imprinted on paper, stuck between pages of a book that I can physically safe-guard with my own two hands.
Where...is my diary? *twitches*
Well, putting that aside, I've been experiencing a spell of -happiness!- broken up with dimming thoughts of anxiety and...mundaneness. I mean now, that's how I'm feeling. What's keeping me bright is this HOLY SHIT good weather. Fabulous weather! I'm sorry England but you guys can SUCK IT! How does it feel? huh? HUH?
All teasing aside, I'm REALLY enjoying this. But I keep feeling the intensely looming presence of Feb., as if there is this snow-cloud looming on the horizon waiting to drop a huge snow-bomb on us. Ugh, paranoia, and yet, according to the commercial world the "winter fashion season" is OUT and spring clothes are in. Since when, really? Isn't it a bit too early to celebrate? Come March, I will still be looking over my shoulder for intense snow fall and -30 degree weather. I can't help it - I'm Torontonian.
As for myself, I feel that 2010 has brought a whole new "me" about. I feel much more sure, much more...confident, in this odd way I've never felt before. It's hard to describe. Perhaps, I'm worrying much? I have more confidence in my abilities? And less and less have I been complaining. One step forward, always, never look back and never try peering too closely into the distance, it'll only trip you up.
I got not much else to say...really, I should be finishing this stuff up.
Been reading 1984 for my Dystopia class, btw. And I gotta say, all this talk of Dystopia has been getting me a little down. Thinking too closely about politics is just so depressing. Let alone about the manipulation of the (un)consciousness by "them" - whose them? - by us, isn't it?
Anyway, I got nothing artistic to "peace out" with. So I'll catch you around.
Peace
Monday, December 14, 2009
Experience
Been experiencing a spell of bitchiness. Period + lack of sleep + stress = monster. It also has to do with the fact that I'm so tired of being a push over, but I guess going the complete opposite way doesn't help the situation.
I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?
But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!
I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!
Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.
Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.
I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!
I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!
Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?
And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.
Life story.
when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.
Maybe?
I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.
Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.
Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell
lol
I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?
But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!
I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!
Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.
Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.
I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!
I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!
Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?
And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.
Life story.
when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.
Maybe?
I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.
Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.
Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell
lol
Sunday, December 6, 2009
None Be Wise
It's my birthday today, meanwhile I'm attempting to study for my Ondaatje exam tomorrow. I wonder what he'd think knowing that there's a whole class deticated to him, and that I'm spending my birthday studying his stuff freaking out over an exam instead of relaxing and celebrating. But I'm feeling a little cynical today. So blame that. Really, my stomach is very upset and I'm getting no where by studying. Looking forward to dinner but I hope my stomach problems don't interfere. Food should make me happy.
I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.
God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.
Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.
I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.
God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.
Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.
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