Words Caught In Nets

I find it kinda funny....

2011-09-21T15:58:00.002-04:00

I'm so tired today. I'm so slow... like I'm dragging my feet. Where am I going? I used to know, now the road is dark and shadowed. Though is that really what is dragging me down? I'm not sure... just so unmotivated today.

I saw his words and they shook me to the core...tears erupted from within and now stain my face. I wish I could talk to him, knew he was safe. But he's gone now, to another place. And I can't follow, and I can't know anymore

And what is sleep

2011-06-29T11:08:00.002-04:00

But a rest from reality?
Where can I go to hide from these feelings?
Half in fantasy, half in waking,
I find myself wandering down a dangerous path.
Who will catch me when I fall?
Or will I fall back to sleep?
Only time will tell where this path leads,
Lest I wake in true
And discover that it's all a shame.
A real shame, a hurting shame,
A crying shame,
A shame I wear in broad daylight.
I want to ask to not be judged,
But that's not really the problem.
Really, I just wish I knew
Exactly what to do.

a deep sigh

2011-04-28T19:45:00.003-04:00

I know I sound emo. But basically, I'm so tired -- I don't want to care anymore. But I do. But this is the last one. The LAST. The cumulation of everything, of ever moment, of all the sweat, the mental energy, the anxiety -- all up to this. My eye hurts; the left one has been spasming randomly. I just want to toss myself up against this last exam with recklessness, whether or not it means doing bad. But of course that's not acceptable. I'm just so tired. It's all on this moment. And when it's over, I'll find myself with nothing. With the abyss? It's like having a mountain of books to read and getting to the last one to the last page to the last period.

And then what?

Nothin' Special

2011-04-17T14:03:00.002-04:00

I just really don't feel motivated to study. Not sad - not happy, per say. Just tired. A lazy sort of tired. Not the one where you wish you could just lie down and wrap your arms around yourself cause the world has worn you down, or cause it's asking for too much - but more a lax sort of tired, a peaceful sort. I just want to close my eyes and listen to the silence, and not have to hold all these thoughts in my head.

I haven't been sleeping recently. Perhaps that is why I am like this. I feel so tired that I think when I shove info inside it just pops right back out...

To close my eyes...to fall asleep...to dream.

just another complaint

2011-04-11T16:22:00.003-04:00

I feel really weak today, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Even though the weather is getting better, the sun is shining - I guess it's just lack of sleep.

Mainly, I'm losing confidence in myself, and I'm afraid that I am going to do poorly on my upcoming essay and exams. Also, I'm afraid I've done poorly on the essays I've already handed in. Within the context of the fact that I am leaving University behind me, I suppose it doesn't matter, but I still feel a sense of dread when thinking of seeing a 7- as my mark. It has to be a 8- or else my heart skips a beat. lol.

Yeah I know what happened to me? Jade if you're reading this you'll laugh, especially considering the way we used to be. Remember reading novels in our science class so much that the teacher got angry at us? lol... I know a 7- something or other is not bad, but what can I say? My standards have gone up... =.=''.

I have this overwhelming need to be free of school. But I know that this is where the phrase "the grass is always greener on the other side" truly kicks in. I often hear people who are out of school lamenting that they are gone and now in the mundane atmosphere of the working environment. As much as I can consider this, it only goes so far. I'm sad to leave school, but I know it's no place for me anymore.

Unfortunately, it's not like a bandaid I can just quickly tear off; or a wax strip. I have to wait out this month, and at the end of it I can finally say home free. But perhaps that is where much of the anxiety comes from... being so close to the end, hoping to not slip up. Anxious. Luckily, as long as I attend my exams I'm sure there's no way to ultimately fail. For that essay I'm not so sure but...it should be okay. I'm fine with a 70. Anyways...all I have to do is...finish.

2011-03-30T17:54:00.000-04:00

In wanting I seek
In seeking I want
It is a paradox of life

2011-03-27T20:05:00.001-04:00

Through shrouds of grey we watch them

Like tumbling weeds on a dusty road

Through agony we seek them

Like birds escaping from the cold

wow

2011-03-25T11:08:00.002-04:00

What happened? I used to be able to pump out shit like no tomorrow. I haven't even started this essay and I've already been here for about two hours. I am so incredibly frustrated. Is this all just because I'm not going to grad school? I've suddenly gone backwards into the mentality that I used to have before I made this decision. Unmotivated and ultimate lacking in confidence.

As seen by the fact that I'm back here-the-fuck-again. I'm just angry. But angry wont get me anywhere. Only I can do this, unfortunately.

Later.

revival

2011-03-08T16:10:00.003-05:00

My period's been heavier than usual, which has left me weak and moody. But in light of this, I just thought, I have been given something that I've been longing for recently - emotion. Sometimes I get so annoyed at how dead everyone is. No one wants to feel passionately anymore or find emotion in the cosmos in the light and shadows on a lazy afternoon. It's too uncomfortable, too wearisome, to feel until your heart explodes; and also, to feel someone else's. My emotions have always been a burden to people, and thank you Pill for providing me with a plug for them.
Thank you, thank you thank you thank you thank you
For relieving me of a burden so great that in order to relieve myself I had to write and write and write, moving my heart and writing the ink on white the black on blank until my eyes teared up and the wind was blowing, blowing over the snow picking up a mist of snow a mist a mist of hazy white and
And now I am dry. Thank you for that plug so that everything is held tantalizingly back, just out of reach.
It's just barely, now, though, this moodiness has only opened up the plug a tiny little, so that even now I can see from outside of myself and watch with stillness. I like it though, I like it, to be able to stand with the sun at my back and look on with the stillness of a mountain. Or a volcano. Oh you wise mountain with a treasure of lava just waiting to explode out onto the world. Burn burn burn it, make it FEEL! Make it cry your tears and explode into flames into ecstasy into everything we've all ever wanted...
Well my crazy is done for now. I forgot what I wanted to say, but perhaps this all was it all along.

Good Student

2011-02-15T14:00:00.001-05:00

My plan was to be one - and I am determined to do it! Whether hungry, lazy, sick or tired. And that's that.

Exhausted

2011-02-04T16:34:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm supposed to be getting my you-know-what today, although it hasn't come yet... Reassuringly, I have the symptoms; ex. moodiness and a sudden need for a jar of Nutella and a spoon.

But man, has my motivation plummeted. I have been like, doing homework rigorously. I have amazed myself! (Of course I still fall behind, and, perhaps it's only "rigorous" in contrast to my former habits).

Anyway... all I'm doing is ranting. I'm going to try and do my essay, although I feel BLAHHH!!!

Looking Down

2011-01-21T09:35:00.003-05:00

If I think about the past...
I can just stand and wonder at the person I used to be.
There was so much feeling, liveliness, which now is spent with moments of silence, staring into the distance as if waiting for something.
How do I describe what I feel now, when my insides are motionless? When I feel pressed on the edge of something, not sure where to turn?
Where are those warm summer days? And even, those inspired winters?
If I can't be who I was, perhaps it's time to be something else.
And yet still, I find myself drawn to those impassioned feelings. I want to capture those moments which hang at the edges of realty. With a certain glance, a careful consideration, the possibility of inspiration can be accessed; a window to the world that is not exactly this world.
Even these words feel dead; like dry leaves on a winter's sidewalk.

...purr purr purr

2010-12-17T20:26:00.003-05:00

Uh so -- Now that I actually HAVE time, I'm not *sure* what to do with it... -stares off into space-.

Disaster

2010-12-12T21:49:00.002-05:00

So, I've been trying to study. Quite diligently too. I know that every piece of knowledge is valuable but some slip away...It's like trying to grab a huge pile of something and carry it away just in your arms. You run as fast as you can to store all of it away but some fall out in the process. Sigh. I don't feel panicked now, although, tomorrow I will probably be. What can you do really? Just have faith in yourself. I've learned that, during my time at school. To believe in your own capacity. Sure I've seen myself fail, but more often than not I've overcome, even if just by enough. And even more often, it's by way more than enough. I don't want to put my foot in my mouth just in case tomorrow I totally crash and burn. But I hope what I do today is enough for tomorrow. Enough to do more than okay.

Well...better stop complaining and start studying.

2010-12-11T22:14:00.001-05:00

SOOO SCREWED FOR MY EXAMS OMFGGGGGGG

Almost

2010-12-11T14:21:00.002-05:00

It's almost over but that's not a good thing. It means I'm running out of time, means I'm wasting time, means I'm just letting it slip away and then the tidal wave will come and there'll be nothing left for it but me and my wasted time. It'll fall and I'll crash but I'll have made it through only not as well as I could have.

Just finish. I just want to finish this last essay.

Time I

2010-12-10T14:36:00.002-05:00

Can't believe what time it is. I just want to curl up in a ball and watch some good old tv. It feels like a rainy day...you know one of those rainy days where the world is quiet and the cars whisper to you softly as they pass by in the streets. You don't feel alive just a part of the mass, the world around you, slinking slowly through time.

But it's snowing.

blargggifargus!!!

Everything is white...black...grey in between.

Anyway I'm out.

splosion

2010-12-08T15:03:00.002-05:00

I am having SO MUCH FCKIN PROBLEMS WITH THIS ESSAY. I've been sitting here all goddamn day and all I've written is a page.

Tidal Wave

2010-12-07T18:58:00.001-05:00

I can feel the pressure building up over my shoulders. Streesss. It's going to be even worse cause I'm pmsing and I'm going to have my period when I have my two exams and my essay. But somehow I always pull through right? Somehow I always pull through...

x_x

2010-12-04T10:37:00.002-05:00

The term isn't over yet. And here I am running out of steam already. All I have to do is finish this proposal and then I am basically free all weekend. If I can just do that I can take the break I want.

COME OONNNN DO THE PROPOSALLL!

Med Essay: Update

2010-11-24T12:52:00.002-05:00

Okay so, original post was at 9.15 correct? Well, it is almost 1 and I have almost 2 pages done to show for these many hours that have past.

Oh.shit.

Not to mention that those 2 pages are an intro.

Wow.

HUNGRY.

Ok ok. Focus. So yeah...this is a first, I have sources all over the fucking place like seriously I have like 10 different sources open right now. And this is what I HATE. I absolutely hate it when sources get in the way. It's like...I'm not looking at what I want to look at. They're confusing. i mean, they give you more filler - more to work with. But I feel like they distract me from my POINT. And what is my point? Arm...okay, think of what mom said, just write, worry about it later. ok ok I think I can do that.

O_O

In Over My Head

2010-11-24T09:15:00.002-05:00

Since I am supposed to submit a 10 page paper writing sample for grad school, I asked one of my profs if I could change our 6-8 page paper due tomorrow into a 10 page one and have her look at if for me so I could use it for grad school.

Well. So. Needless to say I haven't started the paper -- and I'll admit that when I wrote the proposal I was not really thinking *too* hard about my topic. It's been in the back of my mind for a while actually. And well...I only have today to write it. Interesting because I have never written a 10 page essay for any of my English classes so I'm not sure *why* I thought I could do it in a day.

...

Anyway I know what I have to do - get focused. I need to make my topic better, workable. (If I can........) It doesn't help that my 14 page paper is constantly coming into my head, like some foreboding event just on the horizon. But. Gotta stay focused.

URGHHH

2010-11-21T12:53:00.001-05:00

Well, that pretty much sums it up.

Justifiability

2010-11-20T19:51:00.001-05:00

So just because I want to say this somewhere and to no one in particular...

I know I'm lazy. I'm not sure if it's laziness or something else...well, recently I have been sick so. I guess that counts?

I know I should have done things a lot time ago. I know a lot of times I should be doing things but I don't. I'm not sure if it's being lazy or if it's just being stuck...unmotivated.

That's all I've got.

Kiss x Kiss

2010-11-18T18:09:00.002-05:00

(title not at all related to this post)

Okay so major crunch time. Two essays due next week plus a proposal. Have to start a 14 paged essay due at the end of the month.

I just have this big, huge, headache. As if I were crying all day. Well I was crying today, but not all day. Really I just felt lonely...very lonely. For lots of reasons. I know a lot of the reasons are my own fault but...I can't say. I just have to accept that. This goes back to talking with L and telling her that I really have only two "friends" left. Because when I look at every friend I've lost so far and all those people who are supposed to be friends...they are not like, true friends. At first it hurt so much -- these people going away. And then I just stopped. It bothers me but not, like...well, now it's just a fact. It just happened. I've always been let down by people. My interpretation of friendship is too hardcore, I guess, for this world. For others.

Whatever...I've talked about all this stuff before. I just feel so stoic. So tired. For some reason I get teary eyed thinking of Blue and Tory. I can picture them standing in the road surveying the cold, grey landscape. Blue's eyes are crisp in contrast and Tory's hair is a flame of copper flaying in the wind. I don't know why they mean so much to me. Well maybe I do...but to the point where I actually miss them. Miss being in their world. I like drawing them. They are calm figures; they make me feel calm. They make me think of a true, calm friendship.

Ugly

2010-11-06T21:44:00.002-04:00

Sometimes that's how I feel. Especially when I'm on my ass all day wasting my time where there are better things to do. Where is all the motivation of youth? And I'm not even that old yet wtf.

Wonder

2010-11-03T15:17:00.001-04:00

Is my life a succession of un-happy days, marked by happy days? Hmmm...

-.-

2010-10-19T08:19:00.002-04:00

Ughhh feeling sooo sick, tired, and grumpy. I have a midterm on Thursday for a class that I've !unintentionally! (I know hard to believe) missed 3 times. I always feel this immense amount of guilt...like especially when I think about how she must think (the prof) must think that I just don't like her class and am skipping out purposefully. She's a nice lady though...but not the best teacher...but that doesn't mean I'd skip just because...

Anyway I've just been feeling heavily anxious. I've quit work and yet still I don't feel like I can catch up. It's just like Ashling was saying last night that you just slop things together never really getting things done properly...and she is a way harder worker than I am! Yet I feel the same, always struggling to juggle everything and know as much as I can know...to me that's half-assing. So now that I've quit, I'm still half-assing? No...I don't know, maybe now I'm only 1/4 half-assing. I do see that I've put somewhat more time/energy into it. I *definitely* haven't missed as much school as I used to. Just last Thursday I came down with something and I haven't been able to shake it off...Comes in waves. Some days good some days bad. Luckily I managed to hand in 2 essays that were due yesterday...Felt so sweet. Wasn't up late into the night freaking out going omfg how am I going to finish this holy shit...No I finished at around 1pm and then spent the rest of the day resting trying to get better...(apparently failing). Just go away stupid almost cold! Doesn't help that I have my period...oh man I'm so sore everywhere.

*Whiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

It must be fresh...

2010-10-16T22:49:00.003-04:00

--I was smoking a precious cigg, watching as the smoke flew helplessly upwards, heavy, as if burdened by the cold. It was freezing, the earth stood still under a blazing sun whose heat failed to reach out and touch with warmth those dwelling beneath it. Only some privileged few were able to experience it in the South, way South, near the equator. Hands shaking, I imagined fantastical tropical beaches, like the ones you used to see in commercials, and then naked people dancing underneath the Sun – because, after all, who cared about PIGs when it was warm? To just be warm…I thought, was all I wanted, even if I knew it’d do me no good.
--We were waiting for Anthony, whom, like the Sun, shone his special sunlight onto people more privileged, or perhaps, more worth his time. I didn’t care, or really know; I had a feeling that if I had met Anthony without Tory…that if I had let her die that day back then that he would have probably liked me better. Even if I don’t think I would have liked him. And the Sun would shine on me; I would sit in with the others around a fire, drink, and tell stories…
--Instead I was freezing outside on what I had heard Carter’s people call a Decepsun day, trying not to stare into Tory’s blindfold hoping for some response. But I couldn't help it, I couldn’t help but shake and suck on my cigg and watch Tory from the corner of my eyes hoping to see a smile, a tint of emotion. She was like a frozen torch, her lit up hair stagnant on the tip of layers of brown and green, mismatched clothes. I myself preferred black, leather especially, even if I was a little cold; or a lot cold.
--Her chapped lips opened. “Here he comes,” she mumbled for my sake, but I caught the grin on the tips of her lips. I nodded, knowing, damn, that she couldn’t see it, and waited for another minute or two before the door swung open and out stepped another that preferred black. But he dressed warm, prepared for even just this little private meeting; a familiar black scarf wrapped around his neck. Only thing that got me curious was the addition of a backpack that looked packed and ready to go.
--“Good morning,” he said in his usual, formal-ass tone.
--“Sup’,” I replied with a nod of the head.
--“Good morning,” Tory mumbled dutifully.
--“I will cut to the chase because it’s cold. I’m doing something a little different today – it’s going to be like before. Not Before. I mean before everyone else got here. I’m going to go out with you two to see personally how Tory is progressing.”
I couldn’t help but cock a brow and loosen my hold on my cigg. “I’m sorry, so, you’re leaving the school to them?”
--Anthony smoothly replied, “You don’t trust them?”
--Maybe. “No, you can never trust anyone, but, it’s your choice, man.”
--There was a moment of silence where I’m very sure Anthony was contemplating his decision. But he nodded, as if it was the thing to do, and turned to knock on the heavy school doors twice. There was movement and loud creaking – the doors were locked up tight. The noises had sent goose bumps over my skin, and for a brief awfully frightening moment I thought of long brown-black hair and amber, almost devilish eyes. Tamiko – would she cause any trouble? But I checked myself, knowing that she could make it happen with or without Anthony there to stop her. As we turned to go, though, I couldn’t help looking back at the face of the school, taking another long puff of my cigg. Why was I so anxious? My skin tingled when I thought again of her smile, hidden by the cold concrete of the school. Shrugging my shoulders as if pushing off the feeling, I looked forward into the Decepsun day, the blue sky familiar in its harshness. If I never saw her again, I thought, it would be for the best; she was a dangerous and unnecessary distraction.

Wow

2010-10-09T23:19:00.002-04:00

I just saw this tab called "stats" and apparently it shows you the number of page views you receive -- even shows from which countries people are viewing from, including the browsers and operating system.

Wow.

And apparently, most of my viewer ship comes from the US?? Then it's the United Kingdom, then...Canada. Not sure...what to think now. I assume though that it's like, randos dropping by as they click "random blog" or whatever. But what does this mean...?

The post that apparently got more than 100 page views was one about summer clothes...mmm Summer. How I miss you so.

So to all my American audience...STFU!! Haha joking - ? But no, thanks to all my fans!!! *waves in front of no one*...

Silence, darkness, an expansive gulf that stares right back at you...

Really

2010-10-03T19:51:00.001-04:00

hating school right now. And that's all I ever bitch about here...but it's because I'm usually doing research or typing something up, and getting annoyed, and need somewhere to vent (easy access viola). I know I always pull through someone - HOW? HOW??? But I am so angry before that, just like, why prof, why? Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS? -eye twitch-. I need to get GOING on grad school like ASAPEWR{Q@E$~!#. ...Sorry. Unnecessary anger that's for sure.

Stupid reading responses, they should all be like, oh I thought this and that. But noooouuu I need to "engage" in the text. =( Blah!! Blah! Engggaage....I haven't READ the text.

oh laughter. oh lawls.

Don't Look Back

2010-08-21T18:08:00.002-04:00

But I do, I always do. And I'm filled with regret, rage, and hurt, but a veil of indifference covers it all. I'm too sentimental, I guess, and I'm living in the clouds. What can I do but what I've always done? Take one step forward, forgetting all the betrayals, the mistakes, the decisions I've had to make, and yet carrying them with me on my back while the rest of the world revolves without a care.

I sound pessimistic, upset, even, but I'm not really. For those brief moments when I peeked into someone else's life I was angry and sad all at once, but now that I'm looking away I'm fine again. Betrayal? What is it anyway? Life isn't like Alanna's, although I wish it were. Isn't it so easy to make sense of life in a novel?

and

2010-08-14T15:46:00.002-04:00

In a single moment, suddenly I am calm and confident. Where did it come from? And will it last?

Another Essay Rant

2010-08-05T12:31:00.001-04:00

I just needed somewhere to go WTF!!! I mean...I *GET* everything he's saying...but he's saying SO MUCH! There's too much information and I'm not exactly sure what I'm writing about here.

I guess I should just...begin? See how it goes? I don't know....

A suspicion of meta-narratives...
The loss of transcendence...

I should use WiiFit.

Untilted Because

2010-07-28T14:15:00.001-04:00

I have too much to say and too little room to say it. I can't believe it's true, but it is. I could like, talk about so much and add a trillion quotations, not only primary but secondary. But no...but...no.

again and for the same reasons

2010-07-27T20:02:00.001-04:00

Soooooo this one is hard to start. I'm just not sure where I'm going with it - uninspired, I guess? Perhaps it's because I don't understand the question well enough...I don't know. But I guess at this point i have to just go with it =(..........................sigh

This Strange Case...

2010-07-20T13:11:00.002-04:00

Yeah so, as you can see I'm back again to b!tch about essay writing. This time it's R.L Stevenson's Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It's funny because I'm doing a lot of "research" on the double-self, but in all of this I feel like I don't really have a dual self --- OR DO I?

Maybe that's the issue, the paranoia...perhaps there is something deep down, something I suppress - something we ALL suppress. A darkness that daily is the opposition to all of our decisions, that from moment to moment we must say "no" or "yes" to. But I suppose I would define this as the product of a CONSCIENCE, or as Freud has taught us, the difference between the ID and the Superego. The duality that we feel is merely raw emotions and desires before it gets buffered by everything we are taught by society on being a "good" individual. Thus the split: we are shamefully aware of our initial desires that seem to stem from something unnatural, something that we intuitively define as the self but not.

OOOOOh I think I might use this for my essay! hahaha Well seems like it IS good to free-write just to get my thoughts down.

I WANNA DO SUMMER STUFF! But for the next week or two I'm stuck with essays. AH well, August is free, free, FREE!

Feeling good. Till next time.

You again...?

2010-07-18T22:21:00.001-04:00

Just don't feel liked/likable.

Self-criticism? Or just a general observation?

It's been a long time....

2010-07-16T09:39:00.003-04:00

But I really don't even know why I write here. I realize with a sense of dread that the Internet can hardly preserve my thoughts/words/feelings. Paper is the surest thing for that - paper makes it real doesn't it? Here, it doesn't really exist - unless read by someone else, of course - but paper doesn't need to be read because at least it's there, in the physical realm. What am I saying? Am I dreading my insignificance? But I wont write on paper because I'm here now and here is easier...more convenient. Plus I type better than I write...(yes I am a part of that generation). And on I go...

I was thinking of applying for the creative writing course at my school, but the admission process requires me to risk a 5th course that I need to graduate. As much as I like the idea, I do not want to come back for a summer term just because I didn't get accepted into the class. So that's that. I guess it's up to me to develop my skills...which, I haven't even been. As can be clearly seen I haven't even been doing my random poems.

15 mins until I sign up for my courses -breath- it always makes me nervous because I guarantee that EVERY time there's going to be a OH SHIT moment where doom seems to hang over me. And since this is my last year if it screws up in any way anything can be jeopardized...

Dammit I can't spell. How can an English Specialist NOT spell? I'm going to be owned in grad school if they care that much about spelling cause seriously...

What am I?
Am I the word,
The voice,
Or the body?
Is what I write me,
Or what I read?
Or is it what's inside,
Where no one can see?

Who am I,
But the things I say,
But the art I make?
And what is art
But an expression
Of me and mine?

This sucks.....what's happening to me.

still sick

2010-06-01T14:52:00.000-04:00

nuff said

Ahh...

2010-05-08T10:02:00.002-04:00

Struggling not to be down...but it's hard. I guess mostly, just accepting that I've done all I can do. Why am I sick? I feel frustrated but at the same time falling into lethargic. I'm told not to care about what everyone thinks, but when you're a part of a community and they begin to push you out, it's hard not to. I don't feel a part of work anymore, I feel disconnected. On one hand, it hurts, on the other, I'm like okay whatever, it's work so...who cares? It's hard to find a balance, and I'm not sure which way is the best to lean towards. I can't believe I got sick so suddenly, and this one is pretty bad. Throat infection I think? I just keep feeling like I'm letting people down.

I don't know does it really matter? Sometimes I suspect my work wishes I quit. I think I'm just a waste of space for now. It's hard to confront that. I want to fit in somewhere, but how? But where? It's hard to know a whole group of people is looking at you and going...seriously? Cause I know, I've seen it happen to other people. It's not that I don;t WANT to go. I do.

What can I do right? Just gotta chill. Relax. Stop being so anxious. -.-

Essays over

2010-04-13T10:10:00.003-04:00

And now I must prepare for the exams. OMFG I'm so screwed. The only one I think I'll do OK for is Med Lit. Love that class. Mostly because I followed it pretty well...

Damn you myth and dystopia! I am sooo going to fail. I guess at least I wont fail the classes. =.='''

Again

2010-04-07T13:53:00.001-04:00

Nothing concise. All copy and pasted from various sources, my own words sandwiched in between. A collaboration of thoughts collaborated from others' thoughts into eight pages of nonsense.

This is what I do.

Hm

2010-04-07T10:29:00.001-04:00

Mom just went away in an ambulance. She's okay I think - maybe kidney stones? I still have to do that essay. Feel a little shaken up. It's always hard to be stronger than your parents, to see them weak and suffering. I just always suck it in and try my best.

Wish me luck

2010-04-06T20:03:00.001-04:00

a lot of time was spent thinking...thinking...thinking...staring at the screen and reading and thinking and accumulating and now my eyes hurt and my brain feels dry and although i'm peering through that crack my eye is wobbling and flexing, struggling to see straight

Wow

2010-04-06T18:19:00.001-04:00

I feel like I've been banging my head up against a wall for hours upon painstaking hours with no success until now. Suddenly, a crack was formed and peering beyond I see the future, the future so which was once so impossible to reach now close and graspable. How did it happen? I don't know. But I feel more calm despite my headache. Despite wrapping and folding, turning and mixing, fluxing and joining together themes, ideas, that somehow fit together but not in the way I want.

And yet here again I am!

ta-ta

Back

2010-04-06T13:36:00.001-04:00

Soo I'm back to bitch about having to write a paper again. I wish I could just easily *write* it, but there's something inside me that's just like cringing at the idea. I don't want to. Plain and simple. No. Don't want to write. Can't make me. It's like I have a five yr old child inside me who refuses to do something.

I'm not five though and I'm aware of this. So even if it's pure fantastic shit I should just do it and shut my trap and not complain right?

I wish I could do rather than just say. But being here doesn't help so off I go...

truth

2010-03-28T20:50:00.002-04:00

no no! It's not true! I have nothing, don't I? Nothing!

Why am I so self-destructive? What am I doing to myself? If someone told me of this, of me, I'd say "Dude you worry too much. Don't sweat it." But when it comes to me I'm so self-inflicting. There's so many ways to damage ones self and I do it emotionally. I abuse myself!

But this is just evidence that I take it too seriously.

Slacker. No good. Worth nothing.

See see. It pops up again!

Why did you even pay for school if you don't even attend??

I do what I have to do to survive! It's a working system so screw you!

It works but it makes you look bad!

Who cares? What difference will it make? I expect professors to treat me professionally and grade me on what I can dish out not my lack of attendance. That's what participation marks are for! I can't help it if I'm a genius that doesn't need to go to class. PSHHHAA!

Anyway this is me being more eccentric rather than having a mental break down. I just need my latter voice to speak up more. Otherwise, the self-destructive one is there.

The point is survival.

ahhhhhhhhhhhh

2010-03-27T12:06:00.002-04:00

That was a horrible "ahhh"...not very heart felt. Have I mentioned that I HATE doing research? I believe I have. I hold the "seeds" of an interesting essay but I can't bring myself to tend and grow them. It's so much WORK. Doesn't that sound lazy? Like really lazy? I don't know if that is really the issue here. Perhaps a small part...thinking about all the work. That's not really IT though. I feel like I step in one direction and I want to back track and explore the other direction. And before I know it I've explored so many different directions that I've run out of time.

"Just write!" someone screams, "add the details later!"

But but but but BUT WHAT DO I WRITE?

What. That is the huge question there. It's not that I can write one thing but it's writing 8 pages of things while tossing in quotes here and there that gets me. Omfg. Hyeah. I'm panicking!! ARGHH. WAHZ. No, it's not like it's due tomorrow. Oh my god I'm so proud of myself for that. But still...can I will, I? Can I will myself to?

It's all almost over. Then exams. Then summer school. Then rinse, repeat cycle. So not really almost over. I'm an eternal student. In fact, I can't imagine myself NOT being in school. What will I do when I'm not in school? I like learning...actually. I like learning about English...stuff. Even though I'm prob not the best for this crap...

Sigh what am I doing. I haven't even hit a wall yet because I haven't started. :< .........................Sometimes I feel like. It all amounts to nothing. Sometimes, it makes me sad. Other times, I sit on my couch next to kitty and I feel so comfortable and warm and don't care that I'll never accomplish anything.

I'm talented. So what?

hello there

2010-03-23T13:05:00.001-04:00

Well, the time has come. An 8 page paper, and there's more to come. So, surprised? Here I am!! Just to..complain and waste time. Wah. Wah wah. Well I did this to myself didn't I?

Hmmz...well got nothing to say.......

dunno

2010-03-01T18:10:00.001-05:00

Don't know why I'm writing here. Still wish I could find my diary, but it's stacked in a box....blah blah.

I've been feeling so apathetic lately, and have lost touch with the world. If I get emails or messages or w/e, I don't really respond anymore. Even though I should, even though I know I should.

I guess really I'm just sick...and it's hard to keep track and email people. I just want to sleep. I've been so moody/cranky lately. I guess b/c I'm getting antsy and I want to be able to go to school. Yeah I actually do. I'm feeling so much anxiety because I don;t know where I stand and I don't know if I'll make it this semester.

Anyway what does it matter. Gotta finish a presentation for tomorrow.

just for this...

2010-02-21T11:40:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to write somewhere. Feeling like I've come down with something. =.= Ugh, but otherwise, in good spirits despite having done NOTHING for reading week. Goals for today are to finish my essay...hopefully.

Today am going to a wedding shower tho...but I guess it wont be for long.

A lot of times I wonder about popular culture; sometimes it can be fun but most of the time it disgusts me. For example, at first I was so turned off by Harry Potter, but actually, after seeing the movies (which I know were horrible) I began to see the attraction to it. I know she "ripped off" a lot of genres/people, but, at the same time - don't we all kinda? The presentation was still pretty original, at least for American standards. Also, despite having issues, the stories are enjoyable and not purely smut - there's a lot of thought that goes into it. Despite not really being a "fan" of Harry Potter, I grew to respect and appreciate it.

Versus. Twilight, of course, which I'm sure I don't even need to rant about.

I just don't understand it - things so blatantly bad but raved by many people. I don't know. Perhaps I've become too elitist as an ENG major?

Anyway I gotta get ready for the shower. Later.

Same Old Tune - Eurydice

2010-02-09T15:45:00.005-05:00

Forward is the brightest light I have ever seen,
The deepest love I have ever felt.
Each step is one through shrouds of darkness
And every breath my heart pumps one more beat.
Ahead in the horizon is a safe haven,
His back a shelter from the cold.
But oh, when he stops, I freeze within.
When he turns back, his eyes ablaze
With the light from beyond, I
Am caught in that gaze like a image
In a photograph, trapped and consumed,
Thrust back and back into death and
Forever cast into the darkness.

I no longer exist but in his mind.

Making a Come Back for the New Year

2010-01-21T13:38:00.003-05:00

Hello 2010!

Let's see, right now, I should be preparing presentation notes for my Medieval Lit class at 5pm, but instead, I am here here here!

Just need to scribble down some thoughts. I've been meaning to do my whole "IT'S 2010!!!" thing but I cannot, for the life of me, find my diary.

I say this honestly, it's killing me a little. My dairy is where all my overflowing feelings reside, private feelings that can't sit here on the web. Emotions that need to be pressed with ink into thick, rich paper; immortal paper, I hope.

To me the web isn't immortal. I picture in the future there will be a large scavenger hunt to find precious pieces of digital thought, lost in the endless sea of information that is the Internet. This of course will become necessary in a time where regulations will increase, and a need to delete millions and millions of old information will become essential. Do I want my words to be lost into the abyss? No, I want them firmly imprinted on paper, stuck between pages of a book that I can physically safe-guard with my own two hands.

Where...is my diary? *twitches*

Well, putting that aside, I've been experiencing a spell of -happiness!- broken up with dimming thoughts of anxiety and...mundaneness. I mean now, that's how I'm feeling. What's keeping me bright is this HOLY SHIT good weather. Fabulous weather! I'm sorry England but you guys can SUCK IT! How does it feel? huh? HUH?

All teasing aside, I'm REALLY enjoying this. But I keep feeling the intensely looming presence of Feb., as if there is this snow-cloud looming on the horizon waiting to drop a huge snow-bomb on us. Ugh, paranoia, and yet, according to the commercial world the "winter fashion season" is OUT and spring clothes are in. Since when, really? Isn't it a bit too early to celebrate? Come March, I will still be looking over my shoulder for intense snow fall and -30 degree weather. I can't help it - I'm Torontonian.

As for myself, I feel that 2010 has brought a whole new "me" about. I feel much more sure, much more...confident, in this odd way I've never felt before. It's hard to describe. Perhaps, I'm worrying much? I have more confidence in my abilities? And less and less have I been complaining. One step forward, always, never look back and never try peering too closely into the distance, it'll only trip you up.

I got not much else to say...really, I should be finishing this stuff up.

Been reading 1984 for my Dystopia class, btw. And I gotta say, all this talk of Dystopia has been getting me a little down. Thinking too closely about politics is just so depressing. Let alone about the manipulation of the (un)consciousness by "them" - whose them? - by us, isn't it?

Anyway, I got nothing artistic to "peace out" with. So I'll catch you around.

Peace

Experience

2009-12-14T12:22:00.002-05:00

Been experiencing a spell of bitchiness. Period + lack of sleep + stress = monster. It also has to do with the fact that I'm so tired of being a push over, but I guess going the complete opposite way doesn't help the situation.

I was really close to quitting but held off; I saw the experience as liberating. Just now after reading ashlingfall's post, that's what I felt like then - what I wanted to experience from quitting. I'm not sure then exactly why I'm not - am I just comfortable with my monotonous life?

But I realized other things...like, quitting will not make my life "un" monotonous. It wont solve that. In fact...it'll probably become more monotonous, knowing me. So the problem lies with ME, not with work. I can't blame work for myself, for the way I am. The truth is I'm lazy and I CHOOSE to be lazy. For example I could be going to AYCE right now but nope, I'm here, lazy old me!

I say this with a touch of cynicalness (< a word?) but the truth is I don't feel cynical at all, in fact it's enlightening. And truthfully I accept myself, I accept who I am. I know also, though, that I work in waves - I never finish something, I'm always moving. That's ironic isn't it? Sag VS Cancer nature? hahahah. So I think that has something to do with itching to quit work. But yeah I totally see...that it's not my work, it's ME!

Always me, I'm always trying to change, for the better. But I realize now I've been changing to serve other ppl in hopes of serving myself ie. I'd be more liked (helps me). But that doesn't work, I feel bitter now (again!) for all the sacrifices I've made for other people, and their lack of appreciation. Mainly I relate this back to work. I'm tired of always being...left in the dark? Unimportant? I know I'm weird, I don't try to hide that. I'm also brutally honest; I'm not good at hiding what I think/feel. But at the same time, I'm timid. I retract the things I say, I smile and I joke. I refrain from telling people about my life when I see they aren't interested, even if I listen to their problems all the time. I hardly take charge, I go with the flow.

Mainly, I try to be nice to balance the fact that I "appear" so bitchy/sad.

I'll tell you all a secret. The truth is, I'm usually not bitchy/sad, but, this past year has been hard, and I'll admit, I haven't been happy much. But NOW, now I've been feeling more happy - and you know what? It hasn't made a difference. People still ask me why I look miserable, people still say I'm mean. So it comes down to I'M LAZY. I'm boring I guess? I'm monotonous? I don't smile like 24/7 cause I see no reason to? That doesnt mean I'm SAD. I'm cynical cause A: it's true and I can deal with it and B: I think it's funny sometimes! I'm not 100% serious when I say "I hate Christmas"............okay maybe I am. But that's besides the point! Why do I have to conform? Even the Grinch had a point and Dickens KNEW this. He knew Christmas was BS anyway....people should be nice/generous ALL YEAR; Christmas is a sham! Dickens wrote a Christmas carol with this intention!

I don't hate joy, I don't hate giving, generosity, or showing affection. I hate COMMERCIALISM. I hate the fakeness of it all!

Anyway I'm going to stop justifying myself. Isn't that another problem? Justifying myself too much?

And they all see through it anyway. They see that I'm always lacking in confidence. I need to change that without being bitchy.

Life story.

when I was a kid I was mean, selfish, bitchy. One day I woke up, I saw what I was, how I hurt people. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be better. And this is how I am.....always trying. I feel like, that "bitchy"/spoiled/selfish person is always there, always my default. And all my attempts to be good take a lot of effort, erego my laziness.

Maybe?

I don't know. Honestly I'm usually better with self-reflection than this, but I've ran off on a tangent. The truth is I'm really tired. I've been cranky with my mom and this is what got me going.

Sorry for the rando post but actually it helped me a lot. To think.

Hopefully when I get a good night's sleep, I'll get over this spell

lol

None Be Wise

2009-12-06T16:32:00.003-05:00

It's my birthday today, meanwhile I'm attempting to study for my Ondaatje exam tomorrow. I wonder what he'd think knowing that there's a whole class deticated to him, and that I'm spending my birthday studying his stuff freaking out over an exam instead of relaxing and celebrating. But I'm feeling a little cynical today. So blame that. Really, my stomach is very upset and I'm getting no where by studying. Looking forward to dinner but I hope my stomach problems don't interfere. Food should make me happy.

I've been playing my new flute quite a bit; surprisingly I find it pretty relaxing. The only annoying thing is putting it away after use: it takes forever.

God I sound boring! Like matter-of-fact text. But I suspect when I'm older I'll cherish these posts way more than I'll cherish more elaborate prose works that have nothing to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking of taking more pictures of peoples/events, rather than things/nature/landscapes et al.

Got nothing else. Stomachhurts. I should get coffee.

To Be Wise

2009-11-28T23:15:00.002-05:00

Even though it's late, I should at least try to start my essay.

So where's the inspirational words?

Got none. Jesus...

3 essays due. 2 on tues. 1 on wed.

....hmmm...

Sudden Asperations.

2009-11-24T17:15:00.002-05:00

Not sure if I'm using the word wrong, but, to say, I am aspiring towards something!! That's what I'm trying for. Recently I've felt like I've been going through a depression, and just now, miraculously (??wtf is my word check??) I feel like I am coming out of it - or rather, aspiring to come out of it. I feel happy. And I know it's strange, but I haven't felt happy in a long time. I feel like, without realizing it, I have begun to stretch out my world. I used to be so gloomy thinking about how my life is so one-dimensional; I used to stress over meeting new people, making new friends, and even dating other guys. Now though, after shutting down those thoughts, I've been finding happiness in what I have rather than what I don't. And being comfortable with that I've rediscovered the things I already have. Kinda like yesterday, I went through all my old clothes and realized - I don't need any new clothes, the ones I already have are perfect! And there was a sudden newness to them too, like their potentional hasn't been fully explored yet. I've started to feel this way about other aspects of my life, especially when it comes to people I just casually know.

It's a good feeling. I hope that by writing this I don't forget, and also, I feel like just by writing, just now, I've discovered these things about myself. Yes, it's good. =) Really cool.

I'm looking forward to my birthday...I just hope that, not only 5 people show up and I get hurt. I just flashback to the Indigo thing and well yeah. Point is to not care right?? Haha, well I don't care as much as I think I will an hour before going. Ah well, what can you do?

Anyway that's depressing stuff! Happy. Happy. lol 15 people are already saying they're going, that's a lot!!

Arghh Essay to write...later

in over my head

2009-11-19T13:14:00.002-05:00

Umm...what happened? I thought I had a lot to write? This thing is supposed to be 2500 words long (7-9 pgs ish) and I thought I had it in the bag...but now I'm on page 4 and I've miracously run out of steam? For the first time in forever I feel like I'm writing a *scholarly* essay, like, something that is NOT BS. Wow I know, right? And yet...here I am, running out of things to say. Class starts in 15 mins and there's no possible way I'll make it. It is suddenly dawning on me that I have failed to meet a deadline.

Hm..............Although not entirely bad, I'm amazed at how I failed to put it all into perspective. So much work has gone into what I have so far and yet it's only amounted to being done half the essay. I've seriously taken for granted the power of BS. BS could easily fill 7 pages instead of REAL research. Jesus. Less work too.

What the hell am I doing...plus I have work tonight. I called in just to double check and my manager answered, as soon as I told her who it was her voice suddenly lost all warmth and cheerfulness. THANKS! I guess she figured I was going to call in sick...just checking on my shift!!!

Sooo now what do I do? Knowing I've missed the deadline do I suddenly pull the reigns and chill out...OR do I maniacally (< is this a word?) rush to finish and somehow make it to class just before it ends?!?!?!??!?!

Hmmmm....

was doing good

2009-11-18T22:51:00.003-05:00

Impressively, I wasn't freaking out about my 2500 word essay due tomorrow until about a minute ago. I myself am surprised about how quickly I cracked. Having completed the introduction I made my way over to K who was watching a movie, "Across the Universe", with T, and showed him my intro, being pretty proud of it. After looking over it I asked them if they were ready to play some Beatles Rock Band since the movie was over, and the reply I got from K was, "But you're not done your essay." He has been jabbing at me about it all night, and at first I dealt with it pretty okay, although it was getting annoying, because I knew he was joking. This time something snapped in me and I let him know straight out that I was getting tired of it. He apologized to me and said he was joking, but it's at a point where it's not funny anymore. Now the pressure on my back is there, my palms are sweaty and my stomach is knotted: I'm stressed. And honestly, I'm less stressed by the idea that the essay is due tomorrow than I am by the constant nagging about it, like when my mother kept insisting that I finish up all the packing. Being quite aware of my responsibilites, and having, throughout my life, relied fully on myself when it comes to due dates, I find outside pressures too much to handle in part because they are pointless and also because I find them to be criticisms: only I am allowed to criticize myself.

Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to play and take a break. I just mumbled and left. It further annoys me that he asks me, when I had just asked him. It's like he's taking the power away from me, or something. As if I can only work on his suggestions: do your essay?, play rock band with us?.

I'm mad, and even madder that he is just sitting in that room as if nothing happened.

Jerkface.

I think I'll be a lot less mad about this later but for now I am completely turned off from this stupid essay....

Freaking out!!

2009-11-17T17:52:00.001-05:00

Self-explainitory. STUPID SCHOOL!

s-t-r-e-s-s

2009-11-10T18:32:00.002-05:00

It boils down in me but expression of it is hard to come by. It flares up and dies quickly, getting lost in the throat. Your fists clench and you find yourself about to burst out about how unfair it all is...but then you stop. Being this old you know there is really no use complaining. Your steps hit the pavement with a heavy motion, slow, like someone being dragged forward against their will. There is silence. You and your comrade are lost in your own thoughts, both worried about separate things. You both understand the silence. There is nothing more to be said.

Now

2009-11-03T18:26:00.002-05:00

All I hear is the slow heart beat -
The restless death of what can, what would,
What Could Never Be.
The stiffling cries of someone who bleeds,
Of something that struggles for air,
Lives inside me.
It can't grow without sun light,
It can't find a route of expression.
I'm dying here, slowly,
Like a wild rose trapped in the shade.
Unless these words come out,
Unless these leaves stretch out,
Into the sunshine and sweet rays,
I ain't got no fighting chance.
Find me a passage for expression,
Find me a way to sing my heart to life.
Because if I don't, even if I don't cry,
Just once -
I just may die.

Let's goooo

2009-10-31T13:00:00.004-04:00

So time to get back into the "game", mainly, get back to real life. I've been vegetating for the last week, doing pretty much nothing productive. Although I am still sick I wanna get back on course. If there was one thing I wanted to be proud of this year it was my marks. Hopefully I manage to make myself proud.

All other things have been literally going to shit. I haven't written in officially forever. Nothing productive or artistic has come from these hands. I also haven't been to work in forever. My capacity for caring about that place has been dwindling. My social life has also been completely reduced, and I realized, tragically, is that the reason I like staying at work is because I like the people there. I feel like I'm interacting with people, involved in a social world. Yeah...I'm sure a lot of them feel that way. Recently though my home/school life has been sucking me in. I'm starting to think though...well, maybe that's not so bad. If it's happening, it's happening right? I said to myself i'd "get out there" and "meet new people" but honestly right now I'm so just like...tunnel vision to complete school.

Jesus where does the time go? Seriously.

Well whatever, take it as it comes! I anticipate quitting work after this Christmas, and honestly I think they will be happy for it. S. has become a second K. to me, totally ruining my happiness that had emerged from K.'s leaving. Whatever...now she just seems like a joke to me. I guess it's true I do have a lot of sick time...but that's bad for me right?! Like I mean, do I WANT to get sick? NO! I don't go out drinking every night and all that crap...

Anyway enough ranting. This has fallen onto, CONFIDENCE! If my work says shit about me I'll be like...whatever I know who I am, right? I don't need this place. (Even though it's a pretty good place to work.) But time to move on right? I got plans, things I wanna do. I figure if I quit work I'll start volunteering and stuff. And most importantly I wont compare myself to anyone else.

Just do what I gotta do.

hell week

2009-10-26T08:28:00.003-04:00

Soo...last night I was talking on the phone (you know who you are!) when suddenly I began to feel super sick, like, dizzy and as if I were going to throw up. It felt like a mix of a allergic reaction to the cats and motion sickness. Bad thing was a got a huge headache as if my brain were being split in half, and weird thing is my eye turned all red and crap. Needless to say I went to sleep feeling really shitty, and this morning I feel better but, after much debate (and the fact that I am already super late) I decided to skip school. My head and eye hurt. What is this ailment???

Well.......why complain......................................? Why am I trying to defend myself? Or at least that's what I feel like I'm doing.

I just have no motivation. Sure, I could force myself to go. But when I think about it I feel so...blah.

If I thought 2 weeks ago was hell week, then I was wrong. this week is hell week. It's like the walls are all caving in, everything I tried to support is falling. The only question is can I survive even with all this half-assedness?

Oh my god this headache...wow. Maybe it's the computer screen?

I'll just take a break and then start the essay.

I'm hating myself right now, but can't let that happen.

rest

2009-10-15T15:37:00.001-04:00

finished, handed in. week's over...so tired

anxieties...

2009-10-14T21:22:00.000-04:00

Losing......steam..........................

Pg 2...still...pg 2...RAWRRRRRR

alright

2009-10-14T18:07:00.000-04:00

Starting now. 6pm, have until 5pm tomorrow, but ideally, till 1pm so I can attend class. 1500 word essay.

GO!!!

another tuesday

2009-10-13T20:09:00.001-04:00

Another time along, spent, not knowing what to do - spent wasting time. This is me without him; it doesn't make me sad, just, curious.

OR could it just be an excuse to not do my essay...?

2009-09-22T18:57:00.000-04:00

Medea represents every woman who has ever been wronged by a man; every one of them who has given everything to him, only to have it all thrown back in their face. She is the rage, the feeling of helplessness and injustice that courses through every woman's viens for all past and forthecoming predujice and hate towards our kind.

It is an anger we can barely describe, but surely, all of us must feel.

a feeling

2009-09-22T15:33:00.001-04:00

today i am missing him, which is strange...i have forgotten the feeling, living with him. i miss his hands, his kind words and his devotion to caring for me. even though he will just be gone until tonight, there is a void inside me. i am only half-complete,
whether this is good
or bad
that is debatable
but the truth remains that i wish you were here, to smile at me, to love me, and to be my life-long friend

lickin' my lips

2009-09-15T19:37:00.000-04:00

The infamous feeling of self-gratification caused by chocolate.

Infamous because it FAILS.

I suddenly feel fat, a little lonely, too.

Ugh...slow. Really slow.

Mundane, super super mundane.

(What happened to auto correct for firefox?)

Lately, when I talk to people, I try to be happier/livlier, and more honest with myself. As in, if I act weird and quirky, then I just let myself, and I don't kick myself (as much) over it.

Ohhhhhhhh............milk. Stupid...icecream. Ohhh lord stomach issues.

Thought. How long has it been since I've written something..."poetic"?

Far...far too long I think. HMMMMMMM. I got nothing in me though.

Still pottling (?) along, hurting my back, my knee. Ugh my back.

How old do I SOUND?!

Tag this one as "thoughts".

2009-09-13T01:42:00.000-04:00

just...why...

2009-09-09T13:07:00.000-04:00

STUPID OSAP WTF

Why...?

2009-09-03T22:05:00.001-04:00

Is it getting to me? Am I really depressing?

Why am I sad? Why shouldn't I be?

I don't know how to be what I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry I'm not fun, eccentric, exciting, interesting - beautiful?

Why do I keep getting upset about it, I don't know. I should just be content to live with my video games and books.

GPA

2009-09-02T15:47:00.000-04:00

lol...wow I've been watching that GPA climb over the years. In 08 it was a 2.27 - 09, 2.51. Now for summer, 2.61!!

Gotta get that thing up!!!

(Let's not get into how low it was first year...heh)

spawning motivation

2009-08-16T19:11:00.000-04:00

for cold blue.

studying

2009-08-14T10:35:00.000-04:00

G.K. Chesterton: “Children are innocent and love justice, while most of us are wicked and naturally prefer mercy.”

stress

2009-08-13T13:28:00.000-04:00

ahhhh osap, you and your newly added stress. i should have just went in in person and filled out my app. that way. well, i guess things can happen...parental income verification will be needed...etc

i haven't updated in so long b/c ive been so tired lately...today i feel super tired. tom i have an exam and i -should- be studying atm but...ugh ugh ugh so droswy. well i have the trip to quebec to say for that, but, it is also staying up late...working yesterday, etc.

summer is slipping away. blah blah blah, whine whine. what's new right? i've felt so bitter lately, pessimistic ? no bitter is perhaps better. i am not really expecting - anything -. Everything is exhausting...everything is one day after the other. but right now i feel like im dragging my feet, i guess i gotta keep picking it up until im at full speed again. even if im dragging through life, gotta make the best of it.

got a lot of stuff to take care of. hmm hmm...so uninspired.

doo do do doooooo

people are so exhausting...everythin is so exhausting.

i got nothing inspiring to say. i got nothing to say.

there's the tick tick of the clock and the impassioned bustle of the birds, the bees, the people around me. the sun is roaring and there's laughter, the roar of the lawn mower and the groan of the streets beyond. but me, me im in my mud puddle, im stuck in my own mud, my tears, my grimy feelings. stuck in that dark corner where no one can see me. struggling, squriming - can i get out on time? can i join everyone else in their gaity?

there's nothing. there's just this shell. gotta fill it gotta keep going. gotta roar, gotta laugh gotta cry. gotta be a flame that explodes, that never dies. like a pheonix, like a old, ancient soul.

blind but typing, typing away. tatter, todder, tittle, taddle, daddle. inconsistancy. imcomprhension.

finality.

reality check

2009-08-03T21:23:00.001-04:00

Will it help me get stronger? Will I grow from this? Time will only tell.

languid

2009-07-26T20:48:00.000-04:00

Rising up from lungs that can hardly pump out breath. Lost in the words of...everything else. It's so painful...but all you can do is struggle on. Struggle On. say it again. Struggle on.

slowly...

2009-07-26T19:47:00.001-04:00

..but steadily?

Haven't started writing - still -...I think I'll get it done though. Well, I'm pretty confident I will. I just feel so uninspired.

This weather...man, it's depressing.

and...

2009-07-24T17:55:00.000-04:00

the agony begins ALL over again...

Guess gotta start with the topic.

More of me going crazy coming your way soon.

done!

2009-07-21T22:59:00.001-04:00

nuff said.

another essay to go.

2 pages in...

2009-07-20T20:44:00.001-04:00

4 more to go and it's almost 9pm.

Feel relaxed, sleepy, actually. I'm not sure how this'll pull through but at least I'm not panicking anymore.

Random thought:

What'll happen when blogger dies? Will my words die with it? Makes me wonder if it was better to write it all on paper...what is the internet, anyway? It can disappear in the blink of an eye.

Tired, drained, full.

Relaxed, sleepy.

Must write approx. 4 more pages.

Later

10 minutes later

2009-07-19T10:53:00.001-04:00

The question:

Can I finish on time?

No the more important question:

Can I start?

-stares...

2009-07-19T10:35:00.001-04:00

at essay outline-

me bitching...again

2009-07-18T20:17:00.001-04:00

holy god all I have is a thesis and a little bit of outlines - but but but.

Is it really that I can't do it or that i don't want to? I think it's entirely the latter. Oh my LORD CAN I DO THIS!?

It's always like this...I just got to write, just got to write...

UHHHHHHHHH

What am I writing again1?!?!

Igha igggffff...fugeaaaaaa......................MSN DISTRACT ME!

-explodes-

p.s be ready for more of these

kiou kiou

2009-07-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

Oh blogger...I always turn to you when lost or frustrated.

Today I am frustrated. I can't build that bridge - I can't make those connections. Well maybe I can, but I'm struggling and I don't want to. I don't want to essay!!!!!!

But I should, it's due tues and this is the only way I can do it.

Essayyy essayyy

rawrrr

Pattern? I think so - I always do this to myself.

Ok this term come sept, I promise to keep up with my readings. Seriously.

p.s I married a whore named Steph and Jamie doesn't know about it. For now she's living in a carriage but I plan to buy Brightwood Tower and keep her locked up in there...so that no one can ever have her but me...heh..heh...heh

plans...?

2009-07-07T22:07:00.000-04:00

I want to graduate asap, so I'm thinking of quitting chapters. The only thing is I like it there a lot...but...well, I don't know, I don't think I can do 5 courses and work.

I'm going to see if I can apply to osap, if anything to pay for the cost of living. Yeah, seems like the best plan.

Goodbye chapters! Hello future!.........dur

"I wish you success with all my heart"

2009-06-28T23:57:00.000-04:00

It was in those words and the thoughts they expressed that she realized she had lost something terribly profound, something that had barely grown to its fullest potential and that she would never be able to obtain again.

when the shit hits the fan...

2009-06-27T09:42:00.001-04:00

...it happens all at once, not in increments.

Sometimes I tell myself - I'm being tested, I must be?

I feel like I am struggling to hold onto everything yet it's tearing away and all I can hold together are scraps. Yeah just like my mom said, "What can you do? That's life, just gotta hold your head up high."

Peaches almost died yesterday, I'm not going to hide it because I don't want to. Maybe I can go back and remember this, since I don't know the exact date Toby died. But Peaches is not out of the clear, she may die over the next few days, and even after. Her hip was dislocated and since we can't afford the surgery they just popped it back in, but there's no guarantee that it'll stay there. Already we spent 1000$ on just getting her there and getting it popped back in. There's no way we can afford the rest.

And then it's funny that small things kinda push you too far. Now I've discovered that someone might not be taking my shift tomorrow morning even though they said they would, and it's my responsibility because I didn't tell a manager. But I was too goddamn busy with -life- and all the shit that hit the fan that I wasn't thinking about some Sunday morning shift.

Whatever...I guess if I have to I will do the fucking shift...I need the money anyway.

Atm I am supposed to be getting ready for Betty's party. I feel tired. I feel drained. I feel like the summer heat is far away from me.

I remember swaying grass and the buzz of summer bugs. The trees move with the wind and birds chip from within their branches. It is warm and I'm sweating a little, but for the most part, I am at peace.

My childhood - I had no clue what pain or troubles are. I feel like even now, though, I still can't imagine how far pain can go.

Sometimes, though, I can't breathe and I feel like curling into a ball and just lying there. But I wont, I just wont.

I guess there's nothing more to say.

father's day

2009-06-21T19:42:00.000-04:00

It feels nice just to sit around with the family, even though I've been sick. Today was a really nice day for a long while, even though now it's grown cloudy and dark. I guess when it's humid it's safe to assume that it's going to rain.

Phew I'm boiling hot right now...not sure if it's that humidity or if it's a fever. Doh.

Tomorrow I'm going to the doc's, not because I think I need to but because I think I might need a note. My workplace has kinda been coming down on my ass *politely* about how I apparently take too much time off. What I don't get is that they are always cutting hours so why do they care so much...? Unless it's because they are angry that someone else coulda taken the shift - I don't know. What I do know is my *body* and I know when I get sick, I need time to rest. It's exactly the reason that I forced myself into work that I got more sick when I was feeling better - I could just tell.

Sigh whatever, I just keep telling myself if work fires you, it'll be politely, and besides they can't fire you for being sick just probably shift you less...Yeah.

Money has been tight but what's new? We knew this would happen and we overspent in the past. Yeah it's okay....yeah I think it is.

I've been thinking about friendship, recently, and I think I've shed a new skin of my childhood. I am too loyal to my closest friends, I choose to be nicest to them, to devote myself to them. Yeah, basically, immense loyalty. A person has to win that loyalty, too, and time is a long test. Recently I discovered that time wasn't enough, though, and that a life-long friendship can be compromised. I don't even mind talking about it here b/c I know she will never read this. She never has - I'm not saying that says something...well, maybe I am.

Maybe I am learning that beyond Keane there is nothing. There is the vast world and everyone is occupied within their own mini-worlds. Where is *my* world - a world that is solely my own? I'm not sure, it's probably here but I just need to grow it. I'm learning, I think.

I'm not bitter, I am...remote, and there is this little bit of passion burning within. I can't help it, I think I will always be a passionate person. But now I see that my devotion comes with heavy prices, even though all my life I've been proven that friendships are weak. People can drift.

I am not 100% devoid of my loyalty. This may sound corny, but there are still a couple of people that I still believe in, and I'm sure you know who you are. I just...am more aware now.

Memories of the past keep surfacing. Summer days with the buzz of bugs and the tall, wavy grass. Children laughing and sweating as they crawl through it. Later on, they'll be itchy but it was fun and it was magical, in its own way.

This is me being melodramatic, isn't it?

No, I don't care if it is. I'm an artist, goddammit, and the difference between other people and artists is that we dare to feel even if it hurts, even if it pushes us to the edge. We capture those feelings - we capture the intensity.

Yes, instead of being angry - be charming!!! Haha...Why be angry at myself for the way I am? I admit, if I let myself go 100% I would be WAY too impulsive and way too overemotional, but I don't. I'm my father's daughter just as much as my mother's. If my mom acts on pure impusle then my dad is the complete opposite. I take from both, I'm sure. And then there's the little bit that's soley me.

What is confidence? It's the ability to say "I can see these things about myself that are good, and if others can't see it, that's their problem. I will try my best, but that doesn't mean I'll comprimise my belief in myself."

I am learning.

I've been reading finally for leisure and I love it. (It's the Assassin one - I keep forgetting the title). And yeah, I must say it's been inspiring me as if filling up an empty jug of water. I don't know why reading other stuff inspires me, but it just does - it puts me into narrative mode. lol.

Yeah, completely, I feel more like myself after reading. I don't know why - who is that self, I don't know. It's like saying hello to a person I've never met before, but knowing them, recognizing them as if I've known they were always there. It's hard to explain...but basically it is giving me strength and I'm not sure why. Maybe it puts my mind at ease, or it makes me think...

"Shit I can write better than this - what the hell!"

Haha, and that gives me hope? I'm not sure. This particular story has got me thinking about the doc. called "Kobin" - the one about the Tower Witch. I like that one a lot.

Anyway I'm rambling...but I feel older now which is ironic because I wanted to feel younger. Oh...I wish I wasn't so sick, I'd try to get so much more done but it's like I've been on hiatus.

Well I'm done and left to do I'm not sure what cause I'm sick. OooohHH Well.

See ya'll

a horoscope?!

2009-06-20T13:50:00.000-04:00

I know, I just read one today and I fell for the trap. Yeah it did relate to my life a lot, but one thing that especially stood out was that it said, "Don't be angry, be charming." Which is how I think I've been acting - angry, not charming at all. Hopefully I can find time to be charming, and I want to be...but now being sick. Dammit dammit! And without the money from these days of work...sigh.

Maybe I should just move back home...especially if I can't afford to live by myself. I'm just lying, ain't I? I'm just pretending that everything can be okay.

Well...I don't know. Be charming...can I be? I hope so, I do.

I want to wear my summer clothes and I want to go swimming. I want to play the flute.

I want to...

Well, whining is not charming, is it?

I wont apologize, but I'll become stronger and I'll change. I will smile and I'll stop trying to be sad. It's stupid, isn't it? If a person has the capacity to be happy, why wouldn't they? Perhaps that's the biggest lesson I need to learn, that all in all my strength lies in my ability to recognize the things I do wrong and ultimately to do something for them.

Who am I? I don't know. I know I'm still young and that a year, a month, a week, a day...an hour a minute can make the biggest differences in all of us. But either way I will work on it - and towards something. What is that something? It's been allusive to me, but perhaps my problem is that I've been putting too much value on that "something".

I want to be an author. I want to go to teacher's college. And yeah I know that sounds a little ridiculous but I do want to, if it is for such a petty reason as to earn a decent living. I've never been one to measure beyond my capacities - I may not ever write to fullfil a career, but I know I -will- write. I know I will.

Anyway, inspiring? I don't know. Hopefully. I just want to stop being sick so I can earn some goddammed money.

Not angry, charming, not angry, charming.

New Mantra.

At parent's...sick...bored, but it's for the best.

Sorry btw Jade, I was actually really looking forward to Saturday night. I really want the chance to meet new people...but well, I guess seeing off a friend is more important than my own selfish reasons. *and of course I wanted to spend time with you*

Anyway, I said I wouldn't apologize for anything. I will not "sorry" vomit - nonononono.

Needs tos:

-Inquire about summer camp.
-Make a resume to put on file with the school's tutoring thingie.
-Select courses for next term.

AND HOMFG! I actually need to start *reading* all the crap I gotta read for school. Jesus.

Side goals:

-Write, as always.
-Flute?
-Meet new people...*** Change** Somehow....

Feeling sick...I want to email those ppl from the school though and find out where my 50 is....

I'm sick

2009-06-19T19:51:00.000-04:00

Of all things I have learned, if it's not one thing, it's another.

Can't I just be sad? Just say it...I am sad.

But ohhh wellies right~! What's *that* going to change?

Okay being sarcastic isn't going to help. Just gotta deal. Just gotta deal.

How to deal?

Something's going to give. Will it be me? Will I crack?

Or will I run away?

Or will I die trying?

Even if you say you're here, you have your limits, don't you?

don't tell me....

2009-06-17T01:06:00.000-04:00

...not to give up. don't tell me that shit...just don't...i'm so tired of it...why...i'm so angry...why...where is the sun, the sky? the warmth? why does it rain all the time? can't at least, the weather be agreeable, even if my life isn't?

I thought that doing this, I'd hurt people. But so far I have not even "done" anything...and I have hurt people, I have fucked up royally. I have hurt myself, which is one thing...but to hurt another.

I am alone, I am standing in the abyss. I am suffocating but slowly without struggle. All around me is dust and I can't see everyone through the haze. So far away, I am just cold. Totally cold.

I

You

Why?

Don't you miss the old days?

It is...

2009-06-15T11:19:00.000-04:00

...not probable but it is turbulent. My heart is self-destructive. It wreaths in pain and empty tears...capturing my breath...expelling toxic feelings.

At this point in time...

2009-06-11T14:00:00.000-04:00

...my body is slightly tilted towards the horizon, wondering at the tranquility of the sky. It is deep and harbours an inexpressible eternity that inspires me with wonder but also melancholy. What exactly does that sun rise to each morning? How does the sky rest peacefully above our heads? It's just there...it lives and breathes in its own capacity, it cares not for the millions of things that bother every single human that wanders in their aimless cycles.

It is the sky in all its glory, and I am slightly leaning to it, wondering what exactly it is that it can teach me - perhaps, that life is there, that empty sky? That all we worry for is naught, all we struggle towards is met in the end with emptiness?

No, it cannot be...the sky is there, and I am here. The sky knows not all my struggles, all my wants and needs, it cannot encompass me, it cannot fathom every fabric of me in the human world. I can wonder at the sky, I can love it and everything it stands for, for even, the fact that it is there. But can the sky love me? Can it wonder at me? No, it can't, and without humanity to wonder at anything...even with all the burdens they bear...then what would be left to wonder, to praise, to love?

I am slightly tilted towards the horizon, and I am wondering at it, a little lost, a little melancholy, but I am still walking forward into something, something real and something that matters to me. For all my worries, for all my smiles, even looking at the sky I am drawn backwards willingly. I can love it all at once, I can take moments to drink the empty sky and moments to cry from a full heart of human passions.

dammit I wanna wear my summer clothes

2009-06-08T22:41:00.000-04:00

Seriously though what's been up with the weather? (Ashling is probably tired of me ranting about this by now) lol But that was like...my highly, my JOY of the summer. That's why I spent hours through the pain of waxing and will again at the end of this month. It's all you Lee! Curse you for catching me in my weakness!!!

Okay enough of the crazy talk, but yeah. Just wanted to pull out those summer dresses. =3 Apparently we're going up to 20 this weekend. Yay!
Ok I love everything in this picture, especially the shoes....omg the shoes are so cute. And the shorts. The blue dress is awesome and I think Ashling will like it too cause of the colour haha. I think I like the orange dress and the bathing suit the least, only because I'm not sure if the bathing suit looks too childish...but it's cute. And also for the dress I don't like the buttons, it's like am I 12??? lol Joking....but those shorts and the shoes...loving. Damn I wanna wear them. The shooooeees! Ashling why can't we find shoes like this? Oh I got this off a UK site...dammit.

I swear if the weather doesn't improve I'm leaving the country (king of like what I assume these two girls did). And these two girls are me and Ashling, because obviously I'd take her with me <3. OH but apprently in BC they are being "baked by high temps" so maybe we don't need to leave the country just travel across it! Yay for free health care baby...! lol

For some reason I like this style....

http://allwomenstalk.com/17-most-fabulous-flat-shoes-for-summer/ <- Interesting stuff!

Anyway that's my list o stuff. Makes me bring more happiness for summer....It will happen no matter what!

no...it had never occurred to me

2009-06-08T22:35:00.001-04:00

Even though it was just some passing thought......

....I can't even seem to understand it...but it's overwhelming.....

...What is there then?....

...It just happens like it's supposed to...doesn't it? What can you do? It just is?

It hadn't even occurred to me...